A troubled relationship involving depression and drugs

[MrProblem]

Hi there.
I feel a bit rude coming in here as a newcomer demanding some advice about my relationship! But I've gradually disconnected with forums over the years and don't really have an anonymous place to pour my feelings out. So I'm sorry if I appear to be rude.

Okay, firstly I'm a 23 year old male who's with a 22 year old female.

We e-met when we were 14 many years ago on a teen forum and continued to be extremely close e-friends right up until I was 20. She was the best friend I had ever had even though she was only virtual (bit sad maybe?).

So I decided to step it up a bit by visiting her (so scary) and it wasn't really a success at all. Mainly because I'm a bit anxious in new places with new people, I couldn't really let myself flow. Also looking at a physical human being who I only just met, yet knew everything about was strange.

Anyway, we agreed taking things further wouldn't work. Until she visited my home, which seemed perfect. And things started rolling from there.

Then it came to the next step, she agreed to move here and get a job, temporarily living with my parent until we found a place for ourselves which happened a few months on.

After a few happy-ish months, our path took a very dark turn down the path of drugs. But before you judge, please understand at this point I was against most substance abuse.

Y'see, for all that our relationship was extremely honest, she did manage to hide her (at the time) small problem with prescription drugs (just a mild codeine abuse).

However, as she experimented, the curiosity inside me inevitably grew so I joined in and in the course of time have taken a variety of things, but always tried to make sure I had control over myself, which I think I succeeded in. I think.

Sadly it wasn't the case for her, as she descended into deeper pit falls with her peek being the 'almighty' heroine. Thankfully that supply ended a while ago, she's now injecting some histamine crap.

Anyway, as I sit here now, home from work in one of my thoughtful moods, she'll be at work probably shooting up in the toilet on her break.

She's diabetic, so already has circulation problems, so clogging her veins up with this chemical which has destroyed all her veins won't be helping.

Anyway, it's been several months of this now, and with it has come stealing and lies. Our strongest attribute in our relationship was our honesty and now that's gone.

She's majorly depressed and has endulged in self harm in the past but never since being with me for 2 years until the other day. Her arms are a maze of track lines, infections, self harm cuts and lumps. They're ruined.

She has some serious issues that countless counsellors haven't solved since she was a child and her GP isn't much help in terms of drug abuse. However she is at least trying to solve her issues by seeking this help, albeit from my urging!

Now to me. I'm not a perfect person, no one is. But what drew me to this person initially was the troubled side of her. I enjoyed the challenge of helping her through obstacles throughout the entirety of knowing her. However, as you can imagine its becoming extremely exhausting to keep up with after 9 years.

All she seems to do now is wake up, work, get home, eat, take drugs and sleep. And repeat until the weekend where she will usually sleep 3/4 of it. She's extremely irritable, has no interests or hobbies, doesn't get dressed, doesn't cook or clean, just a general slob. I try to advise, but it's shot down as nagging.

Now I understand depression gives a lot of these symptoms - I've had my fair share as many people have - but my patience for it is ending. I can't tolerate her anymore. She won't listen, she just argues. I can't seem to get anywhere with her. It's been going on for so long now that I feel like a carer. And I'm tired.

There's no love, affection, lust, companionship anymore. Most evenings we argue.

It comes to my attention that I used to be the man for her. The one to guide her to a good life. But either me or her have changed because I'm not that man anymore.

Am I a bad person for changing? Or is she taking things a bit too far? I'm really bad at these grey coloured things.

I do try my utmost to help her, but it seems she doesn't like my advice. All I can picture is us going our separate ways and her probably ending her life as I'm the only person who means something to her.

I've tried chatting, being open, suggesting she should get a hobby like I did to stop abusing drugs but she disregards it.

FRUSTRATING. Help me.

And thanks to anyone who reached HERE. You star.

P.S. please don't tell me drugs are bad - I already know evidently!

[michelle23]

What im gonna tell you-your not gonna like but there is only one answer and that is to break up. Im sorry to say this but all addicts are bad as there only love is for their fix but heroine addicts... Lets just say in the underworld (crime/gangland) they are put down like dogs coz they can never EVER be trusted no matter what.

Next your girl will start selling her body as well as her soul. Shes ****ed and you can either accept that she cannot be "fixed" or "changed" and walk away or let her drag you down so bad-that youll never be able to climb up again.

Im sorry but its not gonna get any better-probably just worse and worse till she ends up killing herself, getting raped or attacked or in prison. You cant control it-with or without you shes on that path and you should run as fast as you can from her

[VincenzoG91]

I was in a somewhat similar situation 12-15 years ago, except that I never joined her in the drug use, and she had a couple of young kids. It took me a few years of on-again/off-again drama, plus getting ripped off a couple of times a year, before I finally gave up on her. She was in prison at that point, for violating her probation again. I had a bad case of White Knight syndrome and tried really hard to help her and her kids, but most of the people in her life at that time were addicts or dealers. Enough about me. I made my mistakes and moved on.

You can't save her. Maybe her childhood issues are so bad that she can't help doing drugs, or maybe that's just a convenient excuse, but either way, you don't have the ability to solve her problems. I don't know what kind of resources are available where you live, but she needs some kind of serious intervention, by family or doctors or the authorities. Find out what can be done for her, and get help, so you can live with yourself afterwards. It might even save her. It's possible that her best hope now is to get arrested or committed to psychiatric care.

You can save yourself. As soon as you have gotten help for her, if possible, then you need to get away from her. Otherwise, she will drag you down with her. It's like she is drowning and you aren't a strong enough swimmer to rescue her. Stay too close, and that drowning woman will pin your arms until you both drown.

[pcmaster]

Well just say she wont argue with you and do all you say her or thats it you gona leave. You cant help her if she dont trust you and keep doing her own thing. If loved ones cant help then no one can. Only option is some drug clinic or mental hospital. Basicaly how in old days(90") people healed their close one is - they shut them in their room and give food from hole in the door.( I thing you will need metal bars on window too.) After few months they become clean.
Thats the only option - isolation, not leaving choices or oportunity to leave. Dont think your words gona help here. Its all about actions now.

[MrProblem]

Thanks for your replies, really really appreciate the input.

But maybe I portrayed her a bit dramatically - she's by no means a heroine addict. However she just has a desire to escape and sadly her methods are destructive - drug abuse or self harm.

I understand the dragging down part. I can't blame her entirely for my actions at all, but without her I certainly wouldn't have had my experience of drugs. I could've so easily slipped down where she currently is.

I just can't picture a scenario of me leaving this troubled human being who isn't a monster at all, for her to probably commit suicide. The guilt would be too much. but who's to say that would happen anyway. She needs restoring, rehabilitating and resurrecting, but I don't feel like I'm the man for that job.

Again, cheers for the replies.

[basilandthyme]

You ask if you're a bad person for changing. By 'changing' do you mean that you are starting to realise that you can't support her through this and give her the help she needs to recover?

If so, then hooray for you! You've just had a huge reality check. Thing is, it's not just you who can't be her white knight. Nobody can. It's 100% up to your girlfriend to save herself. She will only get clean if and when it's what SHE wants to do. If she does it for you, it's bound for failure.

Yes, I know what you mean about the fears of her spiralling out of control if you leave. It was the same with my ex-husband except his issue was depression instead of drugs. But the upshot still was a suicide attempt on his part. Thing is though, we can't hold ourselves responsible for everything a partner does. And we can't live in misery to in order to try and keep them from self destructing.

[MrProblem]

Yes, exactly that. The problems I once enjoyed helping with have escalated to a degree where I'm exhausted, fed up and resentful. But I should be helping her through this, surely? Is it not my duty? Am I going to get that 'white knight' phrase thrown at me? I don't know where the line is between me helping her, and her helping herself.

Thanks.

[Starnique]

People on drugs have to want to get help. You can be there for them but you can't save them. Most of them do steal. You have to be stern and stand by what you say. They will say their sorry and cry...their going to change but no..they need help. Professional help. You need to tell her you care for her but you're done with that mess and she needs to go get help or you are out of there because i know. I seen people deal with this. Don't play with her.

[MrProblem]

Also, there's the part I forgot to mention. Like a lot of couples, financial issues get in the way of a split. We're pretty much 50-50 with sharing that burden, but if worse came to the worst and we had to go our separate ways my family are here to help me. But she left her home for mine so I have no idea what she would do. Another tipping point for her depression I would guess.

I guess I'm just hanging on to the final threads of what she used to be hoping she'll come back. Expecting the worst though.

Thanks for your input.

[basilandthyme]

Yes, exactly that. The problems I once enjoyed helping with have escalated to a degree where I'm exhausted, fed up and resentful. But I should be helping her through this, surely? Is it not my duty? Am I going to get that 'white knight' phrase thrown at me? I don't know where the line is between me helping her, and her helping herself.

Thanks.

No, she should be helping herself. And it's NOT your duty to help her. Where on earth would you get that idea from?

What would she do for accommodation if you break up? She would have to do like everyone else does. Find somewhere to stay while she works and saves enough money for new accommodation. If it makes you feel better, make sure she has enough money for a bond on a new flat and food for a month.

If she spends all the bond money and earnings on drugs, that's not your problem. At some stage, you are going to have to stop enabling her and let her take responsibility for her own self.

[MrProblem]

Is that not what a relationship in our current social climate about? Support? Sharing responsibilities? Enduring life together?
I feel like it would be the cowards way out, to leave her in this dark hole while I move on. But at the same time I don't want to be stuck in this thing if its going to be forever.

[Valixy]

The relationship you two have can't overpower her addiction. She is of course the only one that can do that by getting the proper treatment but any extra support would help. Does she have any family that can intervene too? Sometimes the family can exercise more pressure than a partner. They may succeed to take the addict person to a detox centre or influence him/her to follow a different kind of treatment.

I think it's quite common for the main carers to be afraid of abandoning the addict person and to feel it's their responsibility to continue giving him/her their support. In a couple of strong addiction cases I know though, the psychologists recommended them to stop giving their support in order to make the addict person react. They agree it was one of the hardest things they had to do in life but it was worth it. Both people I know chose to fight to survive then and once they performed their detoxification, their families were again by their side.

[michelle23]

You havnt been together that long and your whole relationship has had more downs than ups in that time. If you were not living together-you probably would have split ages ago. It does sound like a relationship completely built on co-dependency and its so unhealthy and destructive.

The only thing that is making you want to stay right now is guilt and fear of feeling like a failure. You have nothing to feel bad about so please dont beat yourself up. Look up the signs of a healthy relationship-you have none of them and you cannot stay in this pit of despair. I know you feel responsible for her and its admirable that you are strong enough to last this long but you only have so much strenght and you have to put your own happieness first.

Imagine a normal stable healthy relationship with a normal healthy stable woman. Where there is lots of love, affection, lust and all the other things your missing out on.

She has to hit rock bottom-thats the only way for her and as long as she has you sticking around putting up with all her baggage and garbage-shell think its somehow okay when its not.

If she does attempt suicide-you vannot blame yourself for that. You are not responsible for how others behave. You should try to get her some help before you leave but other than that you cant do anything else for her.

As for the issue of paying rent-tell her youll pay the next 2 or 3 months of your half which will give her time to get a roomate for herself.

I no its hard but you have to do whats best for you in these situations.

[MrProblem]

I can understand it being hard to give up support, but its an option that seriously needs considering. Thanks for your reply, and thanks for everyone's patience.

And cheers Michelle, lots to consider. Seems so daunting to put it into actions though. Boooo!!

[basilandthyme]

Is that not what a relationship in our current social climate about? Support? Sharing responsibilities? Enduring life together?
I feel like it would be the cowards way out, to leave her in this dark hole while I move on. But at the same time I don't want to be stuck in this thing if its going to be forever.

Yes, a relationship is about support and sharing responsibility. But this only works with two balanced individuals. I have depression, but as a partner in a relationship, it's my DUTY to take care of my own issues and be the best I can for the relationship. My partner does support me - as I do with him - but it only works because both of us take care of ourselves first and foremost.