A troubled relationship involving depression and drugs

[MrProblem]

Is this the same GP that's prescribing narcotics to her, despite the obvious drug-seeking behavior? If so, he's not her doctor, he's her contact

No, this is the GP who knows as much as I do and only prescribed at the very most antidepressants and maybe a little sleep aid. But he's very reluctant with her. Its more a chat thing she has going with her doc, and I'm surprised he hasn't referred her elsewhere. Well, he has, but nothing useful to her.

Wow, thanks for that story, it's quite touching.

[pcmaster]

So what are you gona do in the end?

[MrProblem]

One last, heavy chat I think, and a week/month of determining any improvements otherwise I'll have to leave. Some how.

[michelle23]

OP i dont agree with pcmaster that they need love and support. plety of addicts have a whole network of support and love for years and it doesnt change a think. they have to WANT to change-really want to and they have to find the strenght to do it alone. family/friends dont go to rehab with them-they go alone.

i think you are sugarcoating this and trying to make it seem "not so bad" its classic denial. you have to first admit how bad it actually is to yourself. im sure shes a nice person but that doesnt change the fact she is self-destructive and you cant change that. not only does she need rehab-she also needs a whole pile of psychiatric care and even if she does beat this once-she could go backwards any time.

your a young man and you need to focus on making the most of your life. if you do have shining knight syndrome or whatever its called-get some counselling so you dont end up in a similar mess again in the future. in order to have a healthy relationship you both need to be emotionally/mentally healthy when you meet each other. ya life could throw a whole pile of shite at you and one of you could end up unhealthy at some point but then you have each other for support so you can get back to your normal healthy state again.

if one or both of you are unhealthy when you meet-it just results in co-dependency 9 times outa 10

[MrProblem]

Thanks

Really thought I was in the wrong when I initially posted this. Thought I should be the one to stick by her, but the majority of you are right it seems.

A little professional help on my side wouldn't go amiss to be honest, but that can wait for now.

Thanks.

[michelle23]

no you can only do some much. i think a healthy relationship should be 80% happy 20% unhappy and if it becomes 80% unhappy over a long period of time-its time to give up.

you could have 10great years and then hit a rough patch for 2years and once you get through it have another ten good years.. life gets in the way sometimes-death if a loved one, losing your job, stress, a new baby brings a lot of change and can take time to adapt etc. thats life and its normal to affect a relationship but your sutuation and all her problems are not normal.

[MrProblem]

An 80-20 split? Bah I've never had that with anyone! Maybe I am the problem after all

[basilandthyme]

An 80-20 split? Bah I've never had that with anyone! Maybe I am the problem after all

My acceptable split is much higher than that again. I'm more like 95-5 as a minimum. And my actual relationship is damn close to 100. Hubby looses points because he comes into the living room at night when brushing his teeth and makes weird teeth brushing noises.

It's not so much about you being the problem if you haven't had an 80-20 relationship. The problem is you settling for something which isn't nearly good enough for you. Do you think that you can't do any better? Or are you truly attracted to women who need rescuing?

[HeartIsAching]

My acceptable split is much higher than that again. I'm more like 95-5 as a minimum. And my actual relationship is damn close to 100. Hubby looses points because he comes into the living room at night when brushing his teeth and makes weird teeth brushing noises.

It's not so much about you being the problem if you haven't had an 80-20 relationship. The problem is you settling for something which isn't nearly good enough for you. Do you think that you can't do any better? Or are you truly attracted to women who need rescuing?

Daaaaamn... beat me to it. Was going to say much the same thing.

In the last two years I think I've been upset with my wife once.

[MrProblem]

I guess I have my parents abusive/hostile relationship to blame for my low expectations. I thought 50-50 was deemed as normal (not ideal) but evidently not!

Thanks for restoring some faith

[MrProblem]

Whaaat? That just seems impossible to me. Are you guys robots? You ARE aren't you.

[michelle23]

im the same actually. my relationship is close to the 100mark. i meant that you cant walk into a relationship expecting it always to be perfect coz life could throw a pile of shite at you when you least expect it. when my aunt died for example-i was grieving v bad-litterally like a zombie going throw the motions for 6 months and even 2years later i still have some really bad days. that put a strain on our relationship it was hard for me to feel anything for him coz i was so numb and it was devastating for him to see me so low but we got through it.

thats y i said 80-20 coz life can get real bad sometimes and you have to stay strong during it to survive it. that really put us to the test but were still together and happier than ever.

but if you walk into a relationship expecting the honeymoon phse to last forever, not prepared at all for the bad times-youll crumble when something like that happens and tear each other apart. thats y i said 80-20 coz if you spend 20 or 30 years with someone its not always gonna be easy.

life is full of tests-if your strong together-youll pass them all.

[HeartIsAching]

Whaaat? That just seems impossible to me. Are you guys robots? You ARE aren't you.

Can't speak for bnt, but my wife is my best friend, and we both know how to communicate effectively. We're also both well-versed in what are acceptable and unacceptable behaviors. If I say "Babe stop that and go do your homework" she'll say "That's awfully controlling."

And that's the end of that. Which is why I don't say those things.

No fights.

[HeartIsAching]

I guess I have my parents abusive/hostile relationship to blame for my low expectations. I thought 50-50 was deemed as normal (not ideal) but evidently not!

Thanks for restoring some faith

Actually yes, you do. If your parents have an abusive and hostile relationship, you almost certainly picked up multiple behaviors from both of them... and probably don't actually know how to communicate in a relationship. Counseling is probably in order.

[basilandthyme]

I guess I have my parents abusive/hostile relationship to blame for my low expectations. I thought 50-50 was deemed as normal (not ideal) but evidently not!

Thanks for restoring some faith

I see where you're coming from. The fact that I never saw my parents fight, yell or treat each other with disrespect is probably why I won't settle for much less than 100. I know it's achievable! And hubby and I are now modelling the same for our children.

I think when discussing what makes a good relationship, it's important to make the definition between a disagreement and a fight. Hubby and I disagree from time to time, but we both can approach the issue with respect and the desire to resolve the issues. But we always resolve the problem before it turns into a "fight". People say things like "all couples fight - it's normal and healthy". I would amend that to say "all couples disagree - but a healthy couple can resolve it before it turns into a fight".

One of the assets we have is that neither of us is so strong willed that we won't give way. If something is really important to my hubby, I'll keep my peace even if I'm not so keen. Likewise, he only ever disagrees with me if it's something which is REALLY important to him. We NEVER have 'silly fights'. If the issue is insignificant, then it's not worth fighting over.

We both have a policy of "letting the ball through to the keeper". (Does that translate for US sport?) Anyway, it's about not reacting to every perceived slight or disagreement. We all get tired and grumpy from time to time. I know that when I'm tired, I can get irritable and I may snap a little. But instead of jumping on every mistaken word, hubby just lets it slide past and just puts it down to me being tired or whatever. And I do the same to him. He may say something which makes me raise my eyebrows, but I know it's just a temporary glitch - or an issue not worth arguing over, so I just let it slide on past. I must add though, letting it through to the keeper is not a regular thing. If you're having to bite your tongue daily - or multiple times daily, then you need to look at the issues.