Urgent advice needed

[sadfrog]

The most awful thing has happened to me. Last Friday me and my beautiful girlfriend were getting ready to move into our first flat together and were so happy. She moved down to be with me while im at uni and was staying with me until we found a flat. My friend was having a party and as my girlfriend had been stuck in my small student room all day we thought that going out for a bit was a good idea. So we went to the party on an empty stomach and everything was fine until we both got extremely drunk. Then the first incident occurred.

Some people decided that they wanted to go to a club and my girlfriend wanted to. I said i thought it was a bad idea as we had to move tomorrow and i wanted it to go perfectly. However, when it was time to go she said she was going and I reacted extremely badly and shouted across the kitchen 'where are you going, we cant go we've got loads to do tomorrow." She went outside in to the taxi and i rushed out to appoligise about how i spoke to her and asked her nicely to stay but she said to lighten up and have fun, so we went to the club.

Everything was fine in the club until i wanted to go as we had alot to to in the morning. She had real go at me about not having her cloakroom ticket to get her coat back and was shouting at me. Anyway after a short period of this she found it in her pocket and we went for a taxi back.

Once we got in the taxi i began to argue and shout at her saying how could you treat me like that and I wasnt going to put up with it. I then said it was over and she should leave and she started crying. I then came to my senses and appoligised and said im sorry i dont want it to be over etc. However she wouldnt speak to me. I then began to get very frustrated and began horribly shouting at her to try and get her to speak. I was saying that she was being disgusting for not speaking to me but i continued to shout at her for a period of time. I cant believe I acted in this way, it breaks my heart writing this now and its hard to type because of the tears. How could I be so horrible to someone I love so much.

She wouldnt speak to me so i asked the taxi to pull over so we could walk and talk. When we got out she walked ahead and wouldnt speak the entire way home. I continued to be horrible and say she was being selfish and disgusting. We got back to the accomadation and I stood outside and asked if we could talk about what had happend. She refused and said she needed the toilet. I said can we talk quickly first but she refused again. Then she said if i dont let her in this time she ll just do it outside. I said can we please talk first but she refused and went round the back of the building to do the toilet. Im so ashamed by my actions, why couldnt I see sense in all this.

So we got inside and had a large argument and she said it was over this time. I got rather angry and said well you can sleep on the floor then. She then said she was going to go and stay at my friends and i said she goes i'll throw her stuff out of the window. She went and in the morning came back to get her stuff with one of my friends but wouldnt speak to me and moved her stuff to my friends house. She then went to stay with her sister in 2hours away. She then asked me to get her stuff from my friends and if i could take it to her. She wouldnt speak to me for days until she said could i take her stuff through to her. I took all her stuff through and she told me it was over and that she would never let me do that to her again and would put herself in that position again. I said i was horrified about what happend and i was so sorry. I said i wouldnt drink again if theres any possibility i might be like that. I asked her for a second chance but she refused.

I am utterly ashamed of what happend and cant belive i acted like that as im always so nice to everyone. Its cutting me up inside that ive spoilt and lost the best relationship ive had over one moment of madness. I realise I was verbally abusive to her and im so scared that i could hurt someone like that. I didnt want to hurt her, i wanted her to speak to me and for us to talk about it. I know thats no excuse and alcohol is no excuse, I just dont know what to do. I hope someone can help me. I'm in total despair and distress. I have to meet her tommorrow to give her the last of her things and she is getting the train back to scotland, i have no idea what to say to her or what to do. I wish we could sort things out but maybe I dont deserve another chance.

Can someone please help me

[Ann S]

I think you two should stop drinking!!!!! When you drink you apparently lose all your social guidelines! And you rage! A total recipe for disaster. And just where did you ever get the idea that shouting at someone would draw them closer to you or get them to listen to the point you are trying to make. And YOU wouldn't let her use the bathroom???? WOW is that ever bullying and controlling! And ABUSIVE! I applaud your ex girlfriend. She has some boundaries that don't sign her up for verbal and emotional abuse. YOU need to take a look at yourself and make some changes. There is no excuse for your behavior. None! You're a mean drunk! Ann

[sadfrog]

Hi Ann,

I agree theres no excuse, im ashamed. I never wanted to shout at her and have ever done that before. I have no idea what happend. I agree it is totally out of order. I wasnt preventing her from using the bathroom, I only asked if we could speak first. Thank you for replying though, I do realize I need to get to the bottom of why this happened to ensure it doesnt again.

[pcmaster]

IF you cant completly control your drinking or any other potentaly addictive stuff then you wont be able to control yourself too. It must have been evil buzz talking tru your mouth.

[Ann S]

Not to say that you are one, but abusers are always sorry afterwards. Google the cycle of abuse. " I never wanted to shout at her" but you did! Alcohol,"pickles," our frontal lobes in the brain, and that is where good decisions are made. So now that you are sober, are you a binge drinker? A maintenance drinker? Please honestly look at your drinking history. You might want to go to AA to find some answers for yourself. Good Luck, Ann

[sadfrog]

Hi Ann,

thanks again for replying. Yeah ive looked it all up. It seems rather mixed tho, some say abusers dont say sorry some say they do. All i know is i certainly don't want to be like that with anyone again. Ive never been like that before even when drinking excessive amounts. Yeah, i was a binge drinker but im never drinking again. Went to an alcohol support centre today to try to understand more. The lady said I need to control my drinking by setting limits but theres no way i will drink again.

[sadfrog]

Would she be foolish to give me another chance? We have been best friends for over 6 years and she knows me very well. I'm as shocked as she is by this.

[pcmaster]

Its not just from drinking addiction. I once found out that I cant force myself to go to sleep early(was dreaming with my eyes open about the girl). It lead to being tyred which lead to bad mood which lead to abusing girl I liked so much. Girl was the reason I didnt slept in first place so maybe it was natures way to get me back to healty sleeping.
Anyway drinking affects mood and sleeping too.

[skeeziix]

If you really don't want to be like that then it is up to you to get help, and serious help. I had an emotionally abusive relationship with my mother, bipolar. I learned love was chaos and a lot of times I bring stupid issues like that into my relationship. I am sure you loved her, but you have to love yourself first and fix your head. And definitely stay away from the booze. Sometimes when we are hurt and not getting a reaction we want to make them hurt more just to try to get some sort of emotion, when deep down all we want is love. dumb.

[Valixy]

I totally understand you not wanting to go clubbing the night before the house moving. Maybe if she had drunk less, she would have been able to see you had a point and remember how important it was for both of you to find yourselves in a good form the following day. So, you said no to continuing partying for obvious reasons but she simply ignored you and decided without discussing it with you any further that 'she was going'. I think quite a few people would have got upset over this especially if it had happened in front of their friends. You shouted at her, very bad yes, but it still made no difference to her since she rushed outside and got in the taxi. Then you realised you made a mistake by shouting at her and said sorry but she didn't think that she should have apologised for ignoring you and simply leaving you behind... Even after more drinking, you realised that you had to go home at some point while she couldn't care less and found a way to have a go at you by blaming you for not finding her cloakroom ticket. She then found it her pocket, but again she didn't feel she had to apologise for having an unfair go at you... Only natural that you felt hurt and frustrated but you have no excuse for losing control like you did.

The way the night finished makes you look like you're the only one to blame, but she made several mistakes too. If she's considering at the moment to never let herself being put in that position with you shouting at her, I think that she should at least try to become aware that she holds equal responsibility in the break-up because in my opinion she set the fire and started to trespass the boundaries before you did. So maybe you should also be asking yourself if you want to be put in that position again, where your girlfriend after a few drinks starts ignoring you and disrespecting important things you plan together, decides to go partying without you and finds pretexts to have a go at you for 'ruining' her fun. And all this without any apology.

If there isn't a history of arguments like this one, and she's willing to take part of the blame for what happened that night and very important, if you both decide to revise your drinking habits, then yes, there should be a chance for your relationship. Meanwhile she ignores that alcohol makes her passive aggressive and disrespectful towards you and only blames you for losing control when you've had enough, you two would have a long term problem to deal with.

A six years relationship is no doubt worth try saving it. Nobody is perfect, we all have issues that start manifesting at some point and hopefully you'll both be willing to have an honest look at the argument you had and the different influence alcohol has on each of you. Good news is that how you two behaved that night it's not who you really are and if you both realise that alcohol ruins your chance for a decent, loving interaction, then you could still have a future together, definitely.

[basilandthyme]

I agree with Valixy. While we all agree that your behaviour was extreme, I can certainly understand why you got mad with her.

[michelle23]

i think it was a stupid drunken fight-all couples have them occassionally-i dont think its a big deal. you were both drunk, both aacted badly and now she needs some cooling off time.

thats all. just tell her your sorry, you love her and hope that you can work things out soon. tell her youll be here if she wants to talk.

shit happens-but if you love each other-youll get over a drunken row and forgive each other.

[Ann S]

Sadfrog - I know about this topic. Whoever you saw today, doesn't specialize in addiction. PLEASE go to AA AND find some treatment for yourself. Binge drinker is a sigh of alcoholism. Do you have addiction in your family? It's easy to say right now, that your negative consequence is fresh, but the mind tends to forget. If you are an addict, controlled drinking is ridiculous. Never works. If you decide not to drink again, which I hope you do, you have to take it one day at a time......not look so far into the future. "Just for today, I will not drink." Do this day after day. I think you would like AA, but you have to shop for groups that feel comfortable for you. The cycle of abuse is not mixed. It is clear. The, "I'm sorry," stage is called the honeymoon stage.
Good luck. Ann

[Ann S]

I think you should show her you are getting help for YOU so your behavior doesn't repeat. You have crossed a boundary of acceptable behavior. You have crossed the line with your drinking. These are things we can't fix by ourselves, because if you could, you wouldn't be here on this Forum. Ann

[basilandthyme]

Sadfrog, I'm going to respond because the Aussie view of alcohol is closer to yours. The US model of alcoholism really doesn't resonate so well for us, does it?

Binge drinking doesn't necessarily mean addiction. It doesn't mean that you have to give up alcohol. Heck, my hubby and all his friends were terrible weekend binge drinkers, but they've since grown up and gotten far more responsible. I know my hubby lost a lovely girlfriend primarily because he drank and partied too much, too often....but when he got older, he just naturally cut back.

However, getting yourself in trouble does mean that you have to reassess how you manage your alcohol. It means learning the signs that you've had enough. I can means having a soda between drinks (this is how I survive parties!).

I'd also suggest that you reassess your relationship. I've known some lovely people who when in the wrong relationship turn feral. If a person doesn't bring out our best, then we have to reconsider. Tell me, was this behaviour from your girlfriend unusual?

Lastly, I would say that if you can't control your drinking on your own, then seek help. But there are more models than AA out there, so choose the model which fits you. Personally, I could never do the AA model....I disagree with the 'disease' model and with the idea of the higher power.