hard lesson I'm learning

[tink]

I'm completely new to this board, so "Hi" everyone. The name's Tink (for the tattoo on my back ). I wish I had less of a mess to post, but I guess the situation I'm in is just what it is.

I've been in a serious relationship for a little over a year and for the past six months I've simply been trying to hang on. My story is a little crazy and to think about it makes me wonder where I find certain people I somehow manage to make contact with (haha!)!
Everything was just great between my S.O. and I, until the subject of marriage came up. He'd expressed that he would like to marry again after his divorce from his ex, in the beginning-- who did quite a number on him (emotionally abusive woman-- she even scares me). So when I knew in my heart that I wanted to marry this man, I designed a ring for him and presented it on Christmas Eve. He just looked at it and asked me why i would do such a thing. I was devastated. I thought that we were unbelievably close and real partners-- especially because his ex pulls a lot of really hurtful catastrophies out of jealousy. We've survived quite a few painful ordeals that would split others apart.
He then told me that he won't marry a second time-- he's afraid of financial ruin, he can't take another divorce financially. Marriage is simply a financial contract that cushions the woman. Divorce is inevitable, etc. Then of course he had to add in "no more children", he already has a son with his ex, and that's enough... so here I am, with a man I fell crazily in love with and he's telling me that I can't get married or have children.
I eventually became numb to it though and for some crazy reason, i couldn't leave. I was stupid and thought that if I was perfect-- If I continued to treat him well and show him that marriage can work with two caring people involved, things could be okay-- he could learn to trust me. Yet I only wore myself out, while he showed me how little I matter. He's failed to support me after major surgery-- instead he goes to visit his friend 80 miles away who had an appendectomy three days before. He allows his ex-wife to treat me horribly and accuse me of things I haven't done-- like drive past her house and harrass her (who does that?), and he even allows her to walk in our house unexpectedly-- and she stays sometimes for an hour or two talking with him. His reason is that he doesn't want to piss her off because she will take his visitation rights away. The big kicker is what happened on Mother's Day-- and this is the last straw that led me to fall out of love with him:

She invited his family out to brunch, including my boyfriend, and requested that I be the only one not there. She told him that she felt as if she was not a part of the family anymore, she felt like a third wheel with me around-- this was her day. What does my b.f. do? He comes into my place of work and tells me that he's going to brunch with his family and that his ex had a special request that I not be invited. After he saw how hurt I was, he said, "You know, that was a bit rude. Now I won't go to show her that she can't get away with it". But he did go anyway and left me home alone as my family was out of town for Mother's Day.

There are countless times that have been like this and I used to calmly sit and explain how I felt. I'm just now getting over clinical depression because of this relationship and now I am very blunt with how I feel when he hurts me. In fact, I am very resentful and bitter and as soon as I am able to financially get out on my own, I certainly will (which will be soon). But for now, I am trying to find some hope again in love. Right now, I don't trust and I know it will take a while before I can. There is a man that I'm friends with who I know has a good heart. I'm attracted to him and when I'm ready one day, I may try a relationship with him. But right now my head is spinning because of all the pain that is present. I guess my point is, that it's a hell of a lesson for me to learn and I never thought I would experience this. I have a good heart too and don't know how anyone could hurt me in such a way. But I guess that no matter how much pain you endure, you can always get better with time and a good man or woman to show you how love is supposed to be.

[Asip4u]

You're going through a rough time now but the important thing is for you to find some closure and move on. From what you're saying, it doesn't look like he loved you very much (and you seem very caring) so he doesn't deserve to be with you. Find someone who will appreciate similar things as you and even though it may be hard to let the past go, you should concentrate on bigger and better things.

[whaywardj]

Damn. Tink's HAS to be one of the most rational and well-balanced responses to a bad situation I've yet read on this board. (Maybe TOO well balanced. Might scare off all the lunatics we find so entertaining and take so much pleasure poking fun at.) Good for you, Tink. Yep. Just sucking it up and moving on sounds like a highly appropriate response to your circumstance.

[spartacus]

(Might scare off all the lunatics we find so entertaining and take so much pleasure poking fun at.)

Im not sure if I read that how you meant it to sound, but I dont think people who are suffering an enormous amount of turmoil is a topic to be poked fun at. It can happen to anyone, at any time, under any circumstances so I hope one day you dont find yourself in the same position as some of he lunatics.

[whaywardj]

Oh, I believe you took it as I meant it. And you're correct, of course. But every now again come along some who dwell on something so ridiculously that all a body can do after so much of it is ask what kind of cheese they'd like with their whine.