A girl I like likes me and another guy at the same time

**jawman** · 22-04-13, 12:14 PM

This is going to be a long one, so I apologize in advance. New here and looking for some answers, not sure what to do. Never been in this position before. Here goes...

So I met this girl a while back out at a bar one night back in October 2012. We talked and hopped to a couple bars that night and had fun, hit it off, kissed, got each others number, and agreed we should hang out more sometime. We texted quite a bit, but never really hung out. This went on for a couple months, our schedules just didn't really fit and I wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue her. I did tell her in one of my texts that I'd like to take her out to dinner, and she said she was down for hanging out but didn't want to date anyone right now. I was 10 months single after having been in a long relationship (I broke up with my girlfriend of nearly 6 years Jan 2012), so I said I was totally cool with her not wanting to date. Also, since I hadn't been single in so long, this is also why I was apprehensive to pursue her in the first place. And honestly I wasn’t sure if I was that attracted to her. I did find her attractive but I am just so picky that I felt I shouldn’t bother. Even though I wasn't sure if I wanted to pursue her, I told her I wanted to hang out because I felt like that's what I should have been doing since I broke up with my gf of 6 years and hadn't really dated much in the last 10 months so I was trying to get myself out there back in the dating scene. So while we did text each other quite a bit over the next couple months, it wasn't until January 2013 (2 months later) when I was hosting a house party that we hung out again when I invited her to the party. We had a ton of fun during the party/after hour bars and she slept over that night.

We started hanging out more frequently, and she was open and honest with things so she told me that she was in love with another guy who lived far away where she used to go to college. They split when she graduated, as he stayed in the college town and she moved back home. She still talks to him and messages him almost daily. Anyway, I respected her for telling me this and being open and honest with me. Knowing this, I decided to keep hanging out with her. We started hanging out more and more, and she wouldn't let me call them dates, she said they were "hang outs". Anyway the more we hung out, the more we both realized we really liked each other. We agreed on so many things and were constantly on the same page, yet we still had enough differences that it drew us toward one another. We were both falling for each other. The more we hung out, the more we wanted to keep hanging out. We spent so many nights staying up late together, even with work the next morning because we just wanted to be with each other. She keeps telling me how hot I am and how much of a good guy I am and she loves how I treat her like a lady, open doors, pull out her chair, etc. She says that all her friends think I'm hot, she says I'm the hottest guy she's ever been with, and says that her family likes me too. She says I'm so hot and such a nice guy and she is shocked that I have both of those qualities. Anyway....

She used to always refer to our dates as "hang outs" because she didn't want to admit she was dating someone. Even if I said date, she would correct me and tell me that it's not a date, it's a hang out. Well eventually she started slipping up and calling them dates herself, and if I said I had a date planned, she stop correcting me and no longer labeled it as a hang out. She was okay with it being called a date, and she would call them dates herself now. I was on some dating websites and was seeing a few girls, and eventually stopped pursuing and dating these other girls from the websites because I was spending most of my time hanging out with this girl.

The other guy even asked her if she was seeing someone because she hasn't been talking to him as much since her and I started hanging out. She kind of lied to him and told him she wasn't seeing anyone (she wasn't "officially" seeing anyone, but she was "unofficially" seeing me). When I asked her what he knows about me, she told me he knows about me but she only tells him that I am a friend. However, I know much more about him than he knows about me, because he is being led to believe I am just a friend even though it is much more than that. In a way I feel like she is being more honest to me than she is to him. Maybe she is afraid that if she tells him the real details with me, that he will get upset and she doesn't want to upset or hurt him. Or maybe he will want to cut things off, or ask her to stop seeing me, and she is afraid of that. Who knows, but she is definitely keeping some things from him.

She would also tell me multiple times on different occasions that I am really making her life difficult because she really likes me but also has feelings for this other guy that stem from their past. Maybe she’s afraid to let go because they had something special. One time when we were out at the bar, and after a couple drinks (we all know that alcohol can make someone say or admit something they wouldn't say when sober), she told me that she likes me too much. She has told me before multiple times that I am making her life difficult and that she is confused, but this just felt different because she said "Jim, I really like you. I like you too much."

Even when she would travel with family or her girlfriends for a weekend trip, she would constantly text me and want to Skype or facetime chat at night once she got back in because she missed me and wanted to see me. We talk almost every day now and see each other the majority of the week/weekend and are pretty much dating, except she is afraid to admit it because of the other guy. Everyone thinks we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but I assure them we are not because I don't want her to choose him over me and get myself hurt, so I just say that we aren't a thing, even though we kind of unofficially are.

Anyway I'm just really confused because this guy is visiting her for a week right now and staying with her. The trip was something that was planned a while back before I came into her life/before her and I started to become this serious. I know she still likes or even loves this guy, but I can also tell that she is falling in love with me. She tells me how she misses me and things that I do and say to her make her heart skip, flutter, etc. Anyway what do I do here? Do I tell her that if she wants me she needs to fully choose me and finally be honest to the other guy? Do I not waste my time on her since she can't make up her mind? I really like her though. At first I was very apprehensive and cautious that she was using me since I live 15 minutes away from her and the other guy lives about a 15 hour drive from her. I was worried I might just be her local fun since the other guy was so long distance, but it's obvious we're both falling for each other so I don't think it's that. We've planned out trips together for the summer, and she's flying to LA in a couple weeks with her mom to visit her brother at school, and she asked me to go with her. We're going to some festivals together too, so we really like each other but I just really want her to pick me and end things with this other guy, but I don't know if she can. She said they were so close and loved each other, but then again she is starting to love me and she wants to see me as much as she can. I don't have a problem meeting girls whatsoever, so it's not like I found a girl that finally likes me and I'm afraid to lose her, not like that at all. I honestly just really like her. Any advice?? Thanks. Any and all responses are much appreciated. If you need more info or have questions for me that will better help you answer, let me know what else you need to hear from me.

**jawman** · 23-04-13, 12:11 PM

Anything??

**Boisdevie** · 23-04-13, 12:29 PM

Leave her alone until she makes up her bloody mind. Makes me wonder if she's just an attention whore.

**Ann S** · 23-04-13, 01:38 PM

"Knowing this, I decided to keep hanging out with her." And you set yourself up for just the predicament you are in now! You went in second place with your eyes open, and now you are trying to rationalize it and win first place....."but she still loves the other guy!"????? This is a triangle, and I hope you get yourself out.

"Maybe she is afraid that if she tells him the real details with me, that he will get upset and she doesn't want to upset or hurt him." So this is a reason to lie by omission? SHE doesn't want to upset HIM? Well, not only is she gamy, but she is not forthright. She is playing both of you.

"I know she still likes or even loves this guy, but I can also tell that she is falling in love with me." So you have a woman who isn't being true to her boyfriend, can't tell him the truth, can't decide between the two of you, isn't a, "stand up," woman, and YOU are focused on if she is falling in love with YOU????? Is this an ego boost for you if YOU WIN????

Honestly, can you explain what is up with you that second place is acceptable? Ann