Help needed

[battleship7]

Hi ladies, I am a guy 23 years of age and I am in r/shp that has span now 4 years. I met this girl and loved her so much. She had a broken past (no real family) and a lot of pain from her previous lover. I wanted to change her life..show her that she is special and can trust me with her heart forever! Yes I was that serious because I had never felt anything like that with a girl. It got serous and we began to see the future together. I got offers to go and further my education abroad and after i considered my relationship with her and how much she needed me I decided to stay. I began distance learning as a solution and God blessed me with a well paying job in a reputable institution. As I mentioned above, she had a broken past and I took it upon me to even sponsor her future and career studies.

Today our road has been long and we had great times together..We have been living 200miles apart for 2 years as I will be at work and her at school. There are times i found messages from another guy on her fone when i visited. it broke me but I confronted her and she promised never again! When I am angry I get short in words.

Throughout our r/ship it hasn't been smooth all the times but there were moments she'd emotionally withdraw from me.. like now! I fear she is cheating because what she loved to do with me (staying late chatting,, or even just chatting, visiting me frequently or nagging me 2[which i loved]) is no longer there. I got fed up and hacked her email and found out that she has a thing for someone and she achieved a message reply on an inquiry about the guy with a friend

I feel like I have done a lot and sacrificed a lot to even get her where she is in her life. As I am trying to talk about it she's not taking me seriously. To be honest i love her deeply and don't understand why she'd do that to me after all did

Please guys help me out here!!!

[smackie9]

Sorry but just because you sacrifice so much don't entitle you to anything. She has needs dude and being 200 miles away had made her lonely for attention. Long distance isn't for everyone, most of the time puts too much strain on a relationship and makes it fail. It has made her grow apart from you. There is nothing you can do now but to offer her to leave this relationship. If she wants to stay, you will have to work out something to live closer together.

[Valixy]

She may have needs but so do you and if you can stay mentally, emotionally and physically (and even financially) committed, why can't she? You are both equally responsible for this relationship, she knows it but she tends to fail. Is it a personality thing? You say that you found texts from guys on her phone on several occasions and she promised to never happen again, but this implies that she actually broke some of her promises and made new ones for you. If you forgave and forgave, you allowed it to happen and she must have felt that it was safe for her to behave like that while she didn't risk losing you. Is it possible for both of you to start living together/closer sometime in the near future? This might change things. If it's not possible soon, you need to speak up for yourself. She may have had a difficult past and still be vulnerable in many ways but so are you in front of this relationship and you should be feeling loved and respected, just like she does. Anything less is unfair and you shouldn't accept it not even in the name of love you have for her. You don't need a Pygmalion myth in your life, you need a real happy mutual relationship. Stop accepting a behaviour that makes you feel you hurt and miserable, realise that you actually don't have to and shouldn't have to put up with something like that. If the behaviour doesn't improve, stop accepting the person. You deserve better.

[michelle23]

i think the girl has issues and you tried to save her but this happens a lot when you meet someone who is emotionally/mentalky unstable. they take take take until you cant give anymore and then they stab you in the back.

there is no excuse for her cheating on you. if she was unhappy or couldnt handle long-distance she should of had the decency and respect for you to end the relationship instead of sneaking around behind your back.

i no you love this girl but she doesnt love you enough. not as much as someone else could. shes lying to you a lot and probably cheating. i think you can do a lot better than that-you sound like a great guy so dont settle for her.

there are billions of people in the world and you deserve someone who can give you the same loyalty and respect you give.

i think you should look up co-depency and shining knight syndrome-even consider getting some personal counselling. you cannot fix or change somebody so why are you trying?

[battleship7]

Smakie you are probably right.. people differ in terms of relationships with physical distance in between. I had no issue with that and she appeared that way most of the time.... Yes i visit regularly (at least once a month) and phone everyday. We believed it gave me and her time to build somewhere better to eventually get together(get married)... Remember I am working and she's at school. Finishing her school was our priority and building enough to make our start together i.e getting married etc.. (this we talked and agreed that it's what we gon do) On vacations there isn't that distance thing because she will be here! Lately she been wanting to go visit her relatives further away and stay with them(Did it b4 and asked her to come back cause it was becoming unhealthy for me). When she says she's lonely i try my best to get her mind off it! She says she doesn't want to lose me but as we are just going back & forth I am thinking i might have made a mistake being this kind of support (financial) though i did it in good faith and pure care.

I spoke to someone about it and also said i may have a tendency of "silver amour". To be frank I am proud by nature? Yes!! In other words i don't exactly need someone to give me gold medals...my veins pump enough diesel to tell me i earned!

I have trusted her and been faithful for these years but now I am overwhelmed that it might not be the same with her given her loneliness issues.

[smackie9]

All relationships start out with firm promise, future plans and goals all set, but there is another factor, even without distance, is change. As we get older, and time passes, our ideas of how we see our selves, our future goals, and what we want to be doing in our lives right at this moment, changes. People do change their mind on what they want to do. She might feel that she wants to hold off on marriage, etc and have new experiences, explore new relationships, etc. You know, to experience independence. This is probably why she is confused....she likes the idea of a life with you, but way down the road.....it's bad timing. I've heard people say "I wish we had met 6 years from now."

[michelle23]

does it even matter what her reasons are? seriously? it just sounds like your making excuses for her bad behaviour smackie.

dude you dont trust her and you cannot have a healthy relationship with someone you do not trust. she has shown you what she is capable of so either grow a backbone and show her you are worth more by dumping her ass or stop complaining and deal with it.

people will treat you the way you allow them to and if your gonna put up with her crap even though you no exactly what shes like then nobody is gonna feel sorry for you when she does it again.

[smackie9]

It's not bad behavior, it's life. And people do change, or end up wanting something different.... it happens. It may seem selfish on your end, but I find it to be fair for her being honest about how she feels, and to express it now rather than at the alter. Just because people start to back out of a relationship doesn't mean they are evil.....they are just being human.

[michelle23]

yes i agree if your not happy you should leave. Not sneak around behind his back, lie to him and cheat on him.

[smackie9]

If she talks to a guy or she tells her friend she thinks the guy is cute, doesn't constitute as cheating unless in those emails or texts had talk of intimacy. There was no mention of that in his post. He fears that she is cheating doesn't mean she IS cheating. He just needs to man up and deal with whatever is going on, her cheating or not. It's the relationship, and where things have failed is the true issue....her talking to some guy is just a symptom. Ah they are just young, they will figure things out.