Am I crazy?

[Am I crazy?]

I am what I have always consided to be a happily married man. I have been married for over 15 years to my high school sweetheart and I can honestly say I have no real complaints with our relationship. We are now in our 40's with two kids and life has been very busy lately. Again, I have no real complaints with our relationship and I would even consider my wife to be my best friend and a very good friend at that but over the last 10 years it seems like we have become better friends than lovers.

Recently I became friends with another woman. This is a platonic relationship and there has been no innappropriate behavior. She knows I'm married and there are no secrets. She is a divorcee and single. Again, there has not been any inapprorriate behavior between us.

Here is my dilema. I think I have fallen for this woman. I cant get her out of my mind. Iook forward to when I know I am going to be seeing her and feel like a young and giddy high school kid when around her. We have a playful banter of words but nothing suggestive and I have no idea if she even feels any feelings towrds me like I feel for her.

In all my years of marriage I have had many opportunities to meet other woman but have been a faithful husband and have never strayed and have been thankful to be in a stable relationship. I can even honestly say I love my wife. What has been driving me nuts though is that for the first time in the entire time that I have been married I now have feelings developing for this other woman and she is the first and only person to ever make me for a second wish I were single. That is driving me nuts.

Before anybody chastises me, I know what I have with my wife is a good thing and I would be nuts to throw that away but where my wife and I are the best of friends I just cant shake the notion that this other woman and I could potentially become the best of lovers. I will not cheat on my wife and in fact this other woman is a very classy woman and would never be a mistress, but I just cant get her out of my mind. Further, I have no idea if she would even be interested in me if I were single. Removing myself from her presence is not an option.

So, What the heck is a guy to do who has a great friendship at home but with no romance when he falls for a woman that could give him both?

Do I just resolve myself that I might just be a Romeo who has found his forbidden Juliet? Do I risk a good thing to take a chance on what could be? or stay with my best friend knowing that I have a good comfortable life with very little romance.

And finally, I have discussed the lack of romance in our relationship with my wife. She has openly admitted that at this stage of her life she simply just does not have much interest in sex but also agrees we are the best of frieds.

Im all twisted up.

[Valixy]

Would you mind if your wife started a platonic friendship with a single divorced guy, fell for him, couldn't get him out of her head and looked forward to meeting him just like a school girl every time? Would you mind if she would suddenly classify you as her best friend but would consider him the best possible lover?

If you're not willing to make things work with your wife but instead you're concentrating on how to keep happy and interested your new emotional affair, maybe your wife should also meet someone to make her wish she was single, don't you think? Instead of fighting the temptation and try to forget him and avoid him, she should consider that removing herself from his presence would not be an option and little by little she should start considering that the new guy could be both her best friend and her lover, so much better than you actually.

Maybe she should even take a chance with this guy, break your heart and your trust, ruin your children's home, just because instead of counting on you as her partner as she swore she would do 15 years ago, she would prefer to go the easy way and let herself fall for another guy who seemed so much more interesting and appealing than you. Would you mind?

What would you say to your wife if she was in this situation? What advice would you give her? What do you think she should do?

[basilandthyme]

It's pretty normal for a person to get a crush even if they are married. What's important is how that person deals with it.

At this point, I suggest a two pronged approach. First; as much as you hate the idea, removing yourself from her presence is the ONLY option with her. If you aren't prepared to do this, then you may as well say goodbye to your marriage and family.

Second; talk with your wife about the need to re-kindle the marriage. You've been given a warning sign - and you'd be a fool not to take heed of it.

[michelle23]

this is called an emotional affair OP and it happened because you became friends with another woman. it wouldnt matter who the other woman is-it could be anyone but becoming too clse to anyone of the opposite sex-this is what happens.

i think you should cut all contact with the other woman and get marriage counselling. you have a great thing with your wife with a few problems that can be fixed if your both willing to try.

believe me if you leave your wife for the OW there is a 1%chance of it working out. right now your looking at her through rose-tinted glasses-your infatuated by her and only seeing the good but if you ended up in a real relationship with her-youd see the bad and the ugly too and youd prob just wana run bavk to your wife.

This happened coz their is obviously something lacking in your marriage and your trying to esvape from reality into a fantasy. Your reality IS better than the fantasy-you just have to fix what is wrong.

Tell your wife you are unhappy with the lack of romance/sex/intimacy and you need it as part of your marriage. Tel her you want marriage counselling/sex ttherapy or else your not sure if you can go on like this.

You need to get the OW out of your life-she is just a delusion, a fantasy and an escape from reality. Your not in love with her-just infatuated and your playing with fire.

Please dont throw 15years of marriage down the toilet with your best friend for a crush. Stick with the devil you no and work your ass off to be happy together.

You just have to rekindle the romance and its well worth it.

[Am I crazy?]

I appreciate the responses however i am a bit surprised in the hostile and accusatory tone of the first response. I will try to answer the questions posed to me as honest as possible. First, the lack of romance in my marriage is not for a lack of trying on my part. Over the past 5 years I have taken my wife on several weekend trips, concerts, dinners, brought her flowers...you name it, I've tried it. On the weekenders we were usually in bed watching TV by 10:00 with maybe hanky panky one time over the weekend. Dont get me wrong, I enjoyed those times with my wife but there is just no "romance" between and we act more like good friends than lovers. Is it so wrong for a man my age to wish to have passion and romance? And yes, we have discussed this but as good of friends as we are romance is just not high on her list of priorities and so that is the way it goes. What can i say.

What would happen if my wife met sombody in the same manner as I have? Sure, I would feel hurt just as I would hurt her if I were to develop a relationship with this other woman. I would probably deal with the situation the same way she would. Either way it would not feel good. I'm not sure what your point was but if it was that I am supposed to think about how I would feel in a reverse situation you are a little late. I already have thought that through. So I will again ask, am I supposed to spend the rest of my life living with a woman that has no interest in romance ?

Also, what exactly have I done wrong? There has been no innapropriate behavior in any way between me and this woman and quite frankly she probably has no idea that I like her as much as I do and its very likely that she does not feel the same way about me. In discussions with her I can say that she is of high moral standards and even if I did try to make a move she would not recieve the move favorably knowing I am married. Thats actually part of the attraction, that she is such a good person.

Again, My wife and I have a great friendship and do have a very comfortable home. I do love my wife. I have on many occasions discussed my feelings on the lack of romance in our relationship and she has no interest in counseling and does not see any problem with just the way things are right now. Just for the record, when I talk about "romance" I am not referring to sex. Sex is great but there is so much more to romace and being in love than sex.

Now, as far as the other woman goes? I have no idea how things would be if by some twist of fate we were to develop a romatic relationship. Again, I dont even know if she even has an interest in me anyway. Am I trying to escape reality for a fantasy world? maybe, but what is so wrong with that if reality is not providing everything that an individual needs to nourish their soul? I have made plenty of efforts to rekindle our relationship and have had many discussions so when does it become my wifes responsibility to make a change?

And finally, This other woman is doing and has done nothing wrong. She is not the "devil" and is not some flame that I am playing with. She is just a very nice woman who I feel i have made a very nice connection with. My dilema is do I want to live the next 40 years of my life in a very comfortable but passionless marriage wondering what could of been even if there is a 1% chance of that "could have been" even happening? Or do I want to take a chance on spending the next 40 knowing that I gave it a shot even if I dont get the girl? I just dont know. What I do know is that I have no intentions of making it known to the other woman how I feel any time soon if ever so its not like i'm going to leave my wife tomorrow or anything. Also, I cant and wont go into the situation but just trust me that removing myself from the situation is not a possibility. Besides, I enjoy her conversations and lets remember we are adults and the only way anything could happen is with consent.

Now, dont be so hard on me. My story is the sort of thing that make the romance novel industry flourish and LMN movies so popular. Of course, lots of guys end up dead on LMN flicks. LOL

[MsMaccoby]

Some excellent advice given here from the above posters, and there's not much to add. I agree that fancying others is normal, but especially as you don't seem to be fighting it too much in that you are entertaining this idea, this is some level of emotional unfaithfulness... I'm sure your feelings for this new person are powerful - but the fact it's only happened now does not necessarily mean that it's a sign of something extra special, no matter what those chemicals in your brain might tell you. You cannot have one best friend and another amazing lover - that's a fantasy. You need to fix things at home.

I think it's urgent that you open up to your wife about your need for more intimacy and romance, rather than just accept what she has said and use that as an excuse for anything else. Tell her you love her and you miss some of the stuff you used to do or whatever applies to you. Be creative. Get out of your routine. Talk. You never know, you might find that she is more receptive than she made out when you first discussed it.

Even if there is any chance that you have grown apart from each other and it really has to end, you will absolutely regret things unless you know deep in your heart you have exhausted all possibilities of making it work. You are very lucky to have a wife who is your best friend, and you have to re-learn to appreciate this truly in your heart. She definitely will not be your best friend anymore if you acted on this temptation.

[michelle23]

Your already cheating emotionally which is just as ba d as physically if not worse.

I get that you have tried to fix things. My suggestion is to cut contact with the OW and then pack your bags and leave your wife. That may be enough to make her wakeup and realize something has to change.then you can say your not coming back unless you can get marriage counselling.

That is what i would do in your shoes. You have to stop this silly fantasy though.

If you do walk out of a 15year relationship-it should NOT be for someone else. It should only be because you dont love her anymore and cant see any chance of fixing it. And then you should be on your own so you can grieve the loss before getting with someone new. That is how an emotional mature person ends a marriage/relationship.

Hopping from one relationship to the next normally just becomes a rebound and it usually becomes a much bigger mess

[MsMaccoby]

I've just read your response to the earlier posters, Mr Am I Crazy. I do feel for you... If you have really grown apart romantically, then so be it. But greater than yourself is the wife you LOVE (put her feelings first) and your family. Greater than your lust. Which is what passion is, without love. Could this be a phase of craving a bit of excitement?

[IndiReloaded]

There are experts (not here) who can help you with this. Read this site before it's too late.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5024_qa.html

[basilandthyme]

Valixy wasn't being accusatory or hostile. And compared to what you could have been told (trust me, other posters have had it way harsher than you) I think the responses you've received are very balanced.

Yes, you do deserve to be loved. And if your wife won't do counselling, then you need to put a rocket up her and do all you can to make her listen. While she may be happy with the status quo, she also needs to understand that if you're NOT content, then the marriage is at risk. Michelle's suggestion of separation pending counselling is a last resort, but may have to be stored away by you.

Now, you've written a lot about how you feel and your lack of feeling loved. But you haven't said much about the kids. If you left, how would this affect them? Thing is, once we become parents, our decisions will alter the lives of those depending on us.

To be honest - as a woman who's your age and with kids - life with my hubby would have to be really awful before I chose to tear their lives apart by ending the marriage.

[Am I crazy?]

Again, I appreciate all the feedback but I still find it interesting that I am somehow through all of my efforts to rekindle my relationship with my wife portrayed as "the bad guy". What about my feelings? why are none of you chastising my wife for her lack of a romantic relationship and how her decision affects my feelings? I "get" that you are all woman her and you will naturally see the side of the woman first but none of you seem to be able to relate to my feelings for this other woman in any other way than to make me sound like an emotional cheater that should immediately repent and crawl to his wifes feet and beg for her to forgive me. Really? Why?

Additionally, these feelings I have for this other woman are not tied to a sexual lust. Although she is very attractive on the outside she is even more attractive on the inside. Look, the bottom line is if i were a single man you all would be telling me from what I have shared about this other woman that it sounds like the foundations of something I should go for, am I wrong? I am not saying that I am going to "go for it" but I think the notion that I am some sort of an emotional cheater is a bit rediculous.

[MsMaccoby]

The problem is that your wife isn't at fault for you wanting to cheat. No one is suggesting you crawl to your wife's feet and beg forgiveness!! And this exact post was given by a woman, I think the same advice applies - go communicate with your man, try harder, forget the other guy and cut contact with him, and if you love him, you would not be emotionally unfaithful.

[Am I crazy?]

I never said I wanted to cheat on my wife or start a relationship with another woman while I am married. I never said that i want to leave my wife either. I do not consider having feelings that develop from a strictly platonic relationship with another woman cheating. What i have been talking about are the possibilities about how I should address my feelings and whether I should consider taking further steps.

Of course my kids are of consideration. No matter what turns my life may take my kids will always know they are loved and will be well taken care of.

[michelle23]

We have seen it all before OP. Emotional affairs, thinking the grass is greener, confusing infatuation for love etc. If you were a woman-we would be saying the exact same thing and we have had very simal stories to yours by both men and women numerous times so please dont think you are getting unfair treatment just coz ur a man. Its not the case.

I do actually understand how you feel. A sexless, unromantic, unintimate marriage would drain most people and in your shoes-id feel the same but i wouldnt become all pally pally with another man and linbup a plan B before leaving A

You are either looking for a temporary escape from reality to self-soothe as you are unable to deal wth your marital problems OR you have a fear of being alone and need someone to run to when you finally end your marriage.

Neither is a good thing to do. If you are unhappy and want out-what you waiting for? She doesnt have a chain around your neck so go but if you do leave you should give yourself at least 6months to be absolutely sure you have mad the right decision before you persue a new relationship.

You cant have both these women in your life. It is not fair to your wife what your doing right now and you know that which is why you are being so defensive and you keep saying you wont cheat, your doing nothing wrong etc but your not trying to convince us here-your deluding yourself. Deep down you no its wrong

i think you need to leave your wife-it may save your marriage if she realizes that you do need counselling. The smart thing to do would be to forget the OW and cut her out of your life.

I dont think your going to listen. I think you wanted us to say sure take a risk on her but we have seen these situations before and believe me they do not end well if you start acting on impulses

You could quiet easily **** up your whole life here and we are trying to help you. The OW is not as perfect as you think she is-noone ever is and no matter who your with-every marriage has its problems-how you deal with them is whats important.

You want counselling? Demand it! Put your foot down, be a man and show her if she wants to keep you-shes gotta get off her ass and work with you. Your supposed to be a team, life mates, you dont give up on each other, you fight to save what can be saved.

Right now your tryi.g to take the easy way out. Nothing worth anything in life is easy.

And btw the only reason we are being nice to you here is coz you have not acted on it. If you had-the responses would be a hell of a lot worse.

And tbh i think you would get very similar responses off the men here. Lets hope they show up soon and give us their input.

But if you want to type emotional affairs or cheating or other woman other man into the search-youll find similar stories and see what they think if you are looking for male perspectives

[TablesandChairs]

Too many words can often complicate a simple matter. You have a few choices. They are:

Cheat on your wife. Carry the burden of guilt. Risk ruining things.
Seek a separation from your wife and go off with the other woman, should she be keen.
Work on your marriage.

Truth is, with kids, work and the various stresses of life; the flame of passion can die. It can't be reignited through complacency...or by falling for other people. There's every chance that you and your crush could end up in the exact same situation in 10 years time. Communicate with your wife; tell her you want more our of your relationship, not just 'co-existence' and that you're going to work on getting that back. All you need is for her to be on the same page.

Real life and passion often don't go hand in hand and of course, the grass will look greener on the other side because what we're seeing isn't the full picture...we see glimpses here and there, we see what people want to show while they're in public. Your wife can't hide her imperfections from you...you're there when she's tired, sick, moody, angry...that's reality.