Ladies, am I being too critical of his female friendships?

[lalalita]

They've been friends for 15 years.

How long have you known this guy for?

We've known eachother for 7 years (we work together).

[HeheMan]

We've known eachother for 7 years (we work together).

Okay and how long have you known about "sis"?

[Wakeup]

Says who, you?



Lol, eyeroll. Yes, pointing out that people who try to control who their partner is friends with are insecure is so "misogynist" of me. You just don't like what I have to say, but can't think of a good counter-point, so you're resorting to insults and worse, like a lowly pathetic person, you are trying to assassinate my character by calling me a "misogynist". Coming from the woman who sees cheating husbands in every shadow, that sort of comment is very YAWN...

I'll let my girlfriend know right away that she's dating a woman-hater. lol

Whatever... you can justify all you want. It comes out in everyone of your posts... turn it around all you want. It's clear.

[searock]

Hmm. Well, as I said, I think you should wait until you see them interact with each other. At that point, you'll know if there is something more than just friendship. How old is he? I'm just wondering whether they have been friends since they were kids, in that case there's a higher chance of it being innocuous.

I think that if they talk (text, chat, etc) to each other a couple times a month, if they don't go on one-on-one dates with each other (dinners, movies, concerts, etc), if he doesn't tell her most of the details of your relationship, if you don't get a strange feeling when he talks about her (do his eyes light up? does he automatically smile when he talks about her?), and most importantly if your guts don't put you in danger mode when you finally see them together... then chances are high that there really is nothing to worry about.

Also: if you are in an "official" relationship with each other, I think you have the right to ask questions about her. No need to be intrusive, but a simple "Have you ever been attracted to her?" is a very legitimate question, IMO.

[lalalita]

Okay and how long have you known about "sis"?

Our friendship, up until the Summer of 2012, was very casual and work based. He mentioned his "sis" pretty quickly once we started talking with interest in one another. This sparked a bit of worry in me right away, but I hadn't developed feelings for him yet and let it all go. Now that things are more serious, I'm taking it into much more serious considersation.

[lalalita]

How old is he?.

He's 28.

Thank you for all your insight and reassuance! You're definitely right about having to see it in person, and knowing what my gut says. He's such a great guy and I don't want to miss out on something that could be good for me over something that can honestly be nothing. (But, even if it's "nothing", I still feel the same way about wanting to be my future husband's best friend. So it's a rough spot!)

[HeheMan]

Bla bla bla bla.

Mmmhmmm okay then.

[Wakeup]

You should have kept it in serious consideration and NOT let yourself become serious if you are afraid to be with him when he has a female friend that he has no intentions of giving up for you or anyone. There is no sense you continuing on with him because the more you hang with him, have sex, become bonded the harder it is going to be on you when he doesn't change into the guy you want him to be which is the guy that doesn't have female friends that he hangs one-on-one with.

What would you like him to do? If he were to stop seeing her one-on-one and doing "date-like" activities with her would that be a good compromise that would work for you? Figure that out and then ask him for that and if he says no to your proposal then just end it because you're going to get hurt if you don't take control of yourself and figure out what would and wouldn't work for you. Compromise is key to both of you being satisfied.

[lalalita]

There is no sense you continuing on with him because the more you hang with him, have sex, become bonded the harder it is going to be on you when he doesn't change into the guy you want him to be which is the guy that doesn't have female friends that he hangs one-on-one with.

You are *so* right, and the truth is so hard sometimes. I've admitted to him that we sort of got ahead of ourselves and developed feelings and attatchments before everything was laid out on the table as far as relationship expectations. We got caught up in looking at the bigger picture of what we both want, and forgot that it's sometimes the little things that make or break it.

[HeheMan]

Our friendship, up until the Summer of 2012, was very casual and work based. He mentioned his "sis" pretty quickly once we started talking with interest in one another. This sparked a bit of worry in me right away, but I hadn't developed feelings for him yet and let it all go. Now that things are more serious, I'm taking it into much more serious considersation.

They've known eachother for 15 years. I think if they were going to date they would have done it already.

[lalalita]

They've known eachother for 17 years. I think if they were going to date they would have done it already.

It's not that I'm concerned about them dating, I just don't like the idea of the closeness/bond.

[searock]

So they have been friends since he was 13... that's good, it means they basically grew up together. There's a good chance they really are "just friends". lalalita, I think you should ask him directly whether he has ever been attracted to her and/or vice versa. It's a very important piece of information that you should have before you decide whether to continue getting serious with him or not. You have a right to know, seeing as they are still so close.

If there are no romantic feelings, chances are that you will eventually become his best friend, lover, confident, the whole package (as it should be). But this cannot happen unless he respects basic relationship boundaries (such as not being in contact with her every day or almost every day, not going on dates with her, etc). What I'm saying is that even if their relationship has nothing romantic about it, it is still an emotional, intimate relationship, of the kind and strength that he should only have with his girlfriend. So he should at least be willing to change the parts of it that constitute a threat/disrespect to your relationship.

[HeheMan]

It's not that I'm concerned about them dating, I just don't like the idea of the closeness/bond.

Well then you have the option to not date him.

But it sounds like they've been friends for almost 2 decades now. It makes sense that they have a close relationship. It's really not your place, at this point in time, to try to come between them. Your concerns are understandable (but I do sense some trust issues/jealousy issues) and you should talk to him about them.

In the end you can either accept the situation, and trust him, or you can disengage from current activities.

[searock]

HeheMan, you still haven't answered my questions...

[HeheMan]

HeheMan, you still haven't answered my questions...

Nope and I told you I wasn't going to.