what to do... if anything...

[cielo]

Story so far:
We've been together for 3.5 yrs and broke up a few times over un-founded trust issues from his side and a feeling of being ignored for his friends and pushed out of his feelings and new life (moved out of home and flatting) from my side. Been apart for two months. Miss him like crazy, wake up every day with his face in my mind. We still love each other but we always hurt each other. I'm going away for a few months now and he wants to wait for me and wants us to try again but I'm not so sure and I don't want to make him wait for nothing. Wrote this draft email for him (below - extra long, sorry I'm a rambler), but can't send it yet because I don't really know what I want and I don't want to play anymore games. I just can't decide whether I would be throwing away something that could be saved...??? Would you let go or try again? Some of the best times of my life have been with him - and some of the worst also!!! Any comments/ spelling errors/ complaints (if you can get through the whole thing of course - heh)?

" Well, like a fool I've been checking my email every now and then wondering if you'd send me one or call me (like you say you would). (But as usual your words mean nothing.)

I've been thinking about the possibility of us trying again and it really seems like there are so many problems before us. The worst thing is the fact that we always play games with each other you didn't want to tell me that you still loved me and I threatened to constantly get rid of you. Those are probably our worst issues, but no actually, probably the lack of trust is the worst. All our love and yet I still feel like you don't trust me. I put in so much work and yet I'm still apparently going to leave you in the lurch, unsupported and lost. If you had ever just let go of the branch that you hold on to so tightly and yet me catch you... but I guess that's too scary. Perhaps love is yet another game in life that I'm destined to lose. Maybe if you hadn't pushed me so hard, but your "now or never" attitude about commitment really sucks. It's not fair to put someone you love under so much pressure. I'm only 21 Matt - I deserve a break at this stage of my life. You take this relationship so seriously, but yet I don't see that seriousness translate to your behaviour. You put me in a tail spin all the time, playing games with my emotions - I constantly think "he must love me more than I'm worthy of being loved so I should never let him go even if I'm miserable right now". If this relationship really mattered so much to you I know you wouldn't find it so hard to try all the time. So please don't always over-dramatise how much this love means to you, unless you're really unable to suppress your smallest emotion I don't see how your feelings correllate with your intellect and actions. The trust issue is because - let's face is - neither of us know where we want to go right now, hard to trust another with your baggage if you dont' know where your trains are headed for...

I think we should not use our time apart to stagnate. That would be a mistake for both of us. You need to grow away from me and sort out your issues and I need to clear my head and decide what I want. I think you will find it much easier to get on with your life without me in the picture. Let's face it - our being together again would only put me through more frustration and pain (that you're not perfect) and doubt about whether I want to be in a realtionship that looks like its headed in the wrong direction. All my complaints about you (that you don't stick to something you've said you'll to, etc etc.) would in turn continue to make you feel shit, unappreciated, criticised and useless. The fact is, you self esteem issue aside, you are not useless and the sooner you realise that the better. I for one however can not cope with this constant excuse for not listening to my problems or taking them seriously. Like you said maybe I need more of a push over... or at least someone who takes seriously the same things in life as I do! Maybe one day that will be you, maybe one day you'll want to try saving money, maybe one day you'll think that aiming for a useful career will be a worthwhile life aim, maybe one day you'll want to travel recklessly around the world with a backpack and a lonely planet, maybe one day you won't mind considering the feelings of the one you love along with your immediate goal of fulfililng your own. I'm sorry to be so harsh, but really, you want me to sacrifice so much to be with you, you want me to have faith in you while ignoring my own happiness, you want me to give up the chance of a fulfilling life so I can watch you chain-smoke, drink and complain your life away. You say I'm not perfect so I should just stick with you, well that sounds like a crap reason doesn't it "hmmm.... I'm a shit person, I don't deserve anything better" - I realise know you probably feel this way about me or you wouldn't bring it up so often. These things (drinking) wouldn't be an issue if we were in a casual relationship - but you want me for life and I know I could love you for life (which is why I haven't been able to let you go so far). But maybe it's time for us both to truely let go of this old car, that costs more to maintain and is bound to put out soon?

Surely if we continued trying we would have to meet half way. But so far I am the one doing all the meeting and stepping forward, at least in terms of personal sacrifice (not in terms of confessions of love, which you've always been much better at than me). However all you give is your "love", a concept invented by men to convince women that the feeling of being protected and cared for is more important than any true will to respect or understand their beauty as separate individuals. You harp on about faith, but can I just point out that if you are forcing me to have faith then it's not really real is it? - it doesn't reflect my inner most feelings... if I have just the tiniest doubt (which you can understand I do have) then it is impossible for me (or you) to have true faith. Maybe you should just accept that I don't have faith in you at this point in time rather than trying to make me feel guilty for something I am so unable to control myself. I also can't control you trusting or not trusting me and I have decided to let this go while realising that your feelings can not really be altered by anything I say or do. I say this because it is high time for me to release myself from the burden of not living up to your expectations - something equally important which you must do for yourself! Release yourself from all the things I've said you've done wrong. Release and accept it. As my mum would say "move on".

Obviously you can't do the things I need at the moment and I can't hold that against you. I sincerely hope you find that perfect woman who will stand by you, put up with all your shit and still be there at the end smiling. But honestly I don't think she exists. If you don't mind settling for less, fine also - but I don't think that can be with me, because I would have to agree that being in a relationship is by far one of the most important priorities on my list at the moment. But I don't have that feeling. I'm sorry but moving in with you, devoting the rest of my life to being with you - I'm just not old enough for that to be all I want at the moment. I want more, I might end up with nothing but that's a risk I have to take. I might not have the chance to meet anyone as special as you again, but I guess I'm happy enough to have loved and lost if you know what I mean. I'll always have the most special memories of you and us together locked in my soul. But it will never be a "what if?" or a "it could have been so good" but a "I was so lucky for what I had while I had it" and an "I'm glad I knew this person, he'll always be a part of me" and when I'm sad I can think of at least some happy times that I had at some point in my life - things that we'll always have apart from whatever else may come our way... "

[shh!]

That is a really long post; can you please summarize? You might get more responses that way...

[Junket]

That is a really long post; can you please summarize? You might get more responses that way...

I agree with this post.

This is what we look for.

Shorter the better.

Paragraph seperation.

Correct spelling and punctuation (for the most part).

Just get to the point, the core problem. We don't need the whole back story, and if we do, we'll asking accordingly.

[Asip4u]

Seriously, figuring out what the actual problem is, shouldn't take so long...especially with some people who pack tight many sentences with no breaks. Like Fras mentioned above, don't worry about details, if we need more, we'll ask.

[marcus23]

well, maybe she feels better once she share her story with us.

[Asip4u]

true..and in that case, it's all good...altough if the intention was for her to get a lot of feedback, some people will just look at it and give up.

[artyemi]

Or maybe she just feels better typing it even though no one can really read that much.

[AmIASleaze]

I wish I had it so good... he loves you and wants to get back together?... but you're going away huh? Well that sucks... but I say if you love each other try again... if it's meant to be it'll work out this time. Good luck!

[cielo]

Quality is better than quantity - I don't particularly want many replies - if that was my aim I would have thought of an attention-grabbing title and filled my post full of made up smut. As it is I didn't see the point, you don't have to read it and you don't have to reply, but what's the point wasting your time with meaningless responses?

I don't really want replies from people who can't really be bothered thinking about problems carefully and always insist on analysing the world in simple bite-size summaries... I see a lot of useless replies in this forum from stupid people like this, and this was my clever plan to filter them out... I'm glad it worked...

[Only-virgins]

Im not answering to a person who doesnt introduce them-selves. Notice how people first make a post in the "introduce yourself" area cielo?. Basically as I read that book of yours only half way through did I even realize your a female...I dont know what to say because I dont know how old you are and I dont know what accent to have as I type as I dont know were you are from lol.

PS: AmIASleaze...What are you doing posting here?..shouldnt you be taking care of your "FWB"?

[stardust]

aww give her a break!!!

[Asip4u]

Quality is better than quantity - I don't particularly want many replies - if that was my aim I would have thought of an attention-grabbing title and filled my post full of made up smut. As it is I didn't see the point, you don't have to read it and you don't have to reply, but what's the point wasting your time with meaningless responses?

I don't really want replies from people who can't really be bothered thinking about problems carefully and always insist on analysing the world in simple bite-size summaries... I see a lot of useless replies in this forum from stupid people like this, and this was my clever plan to filter them out... I'm glad it worked...

The whole point of the forum is to get some feedback on a situation a person might be having, is it not? Also, in some ways people will connect with others on here. People's life stories are usually not something others want to read unless it's something that is totally out of the ordinary (in which case you should write a book), most people will not have fun reading it. You have to understand there are no therapists here so anything you get is simply from someone's similar experience.

[shh!]

Quality is better than quantity - I don't particularly want many replies - if that was my aim I would have thought of an attention-grabbing title and filled my post full of made up smut. As it is I didn't see the point, you don't have to read it and you don't have to reply, but what's the point wasting your time with meaningless responses?

I don't really want replies from people who can't really be bothered thinking about problems carefully and always insist on analysing the world in simple bite-size summaries... I see a lot of useless replies in this forum from stupid people like this, and this was my clever plan to filter them out... I'm glad it worked...

Please note ceilo that the only person who responded to you was an 18 year old self-proclaimed slut. If you want quality responses, I'd suggest you summarize. People will ask for more detail if it is needed, and besides, most people tend to make things more complicated than necessary when they go on forever in their posts. And by the way, your condascending tone will certainly alienate a lot of the more thoughtful posters.

[whaywardj]

shh! I find I agree with you more and more as time goes on. will you marry me?

[shh!]

shh! I find I agree with you more and more as time goes on. will you marry me?

Hmm... Is this "cybersex"?
:-D