My boyfriend has major commitment issues.

[xoxlynn]

I really need advice, so please help me! My boyfriend and I started dating when we were freshman in high school. I am now 20 and he is 19. We have broken up a few times, and it always comes back to the same problem. Things will be going great (or so I think) and then he will randomly feel the need to tell me that he isn't sure if he wants to marry me or even get married at all. He knows that I want to marry him, as I don't really make it a secret. And the thing that makes it worse is that he will tell me things like last week he said he wanted to get engaged in the near future. He will also talk about having kids together eventually, so it's not always me initiating the conversation. Monday, he decided to tell me this again over the phone. I have been mad for the past few days because it hurts me, and I questions whether I should be with him. I mean if he doesn't know whether he wants to get married to me after five years together, will he ever want to? I would really love any advice on what I should do or anyone who has had feelings like his before so maybe I can understand. We are still together as of now.

[fearoflove]

Being 20 or 19 is too early to get married. People change alot in their mid 20s. Why don't you two just enjoy life for now?

[BennyJamesField]

Being 20 or 19 is too early to get married. People change alot in their mid 20s. Why don't you two just enjoy life for now?

getting married so young and before you even know who you are your self would be stupid.
obliterate that thought from your brain
it will kill the relationship completely

no wonder he has commitment issues

you are scaring the shit out of that poor mother ****a

[xoxlynn]

If we were just a fling it would be different, but we have been together for FIVE years. If a man doesn't know after that long if he wants to have a future, will he ever?

[VincenzoG91]

If we were just a fling it would be different, but we have been together for FIVE years. If a man doesn't know after that long if he wants to have a future, will he ever?

Normally I think that would be an extremely valid point. But you two are really young by modern standards. Both of you are likely to go through some significant changes over the next several years. Better to wait and see how you two are doing in a few years than to waste a bunch of time and money on a starter marriage that will end in divorce in a few years. And he is probably going to feel great regret if he doesn't bang a few more women before he gets married.

[BennyJamesField]

Vince is right
i spent allot of my early 20's hesistant to get into relationshipd for that very reason

shit goes through a guys head

"this is my prime, i should be conquesting, this is my time now"

human nature is human nature.

i am 29 now and though i still enjoy racking up numbers i would be more than happy to put that behind me when the right girl comes along.

[xoxlynn]

Well I don't feel any better now...

[BennyJamesField]

ok
well. what you need to do is speak to him.
maybe say to him that when he is ready to get married then that is fine with you.
try and take the pressure off on the subject, if he loves you he will appreciate it.

you need to talk to him.

what Vince and my self said does apply but not to every one
My cousin is married to his high school gf and he could not be any happier

communicate, take the pressure off
enjoy your 20's
they are over with before you know it.
also be a part of ensuring he also enjoys his 20's
these are the years you should embrace.

you remove the pressure from a young man of marriage and family and let nature take its course

trust me, when it happens you will be happy as a pig in shit

if i was pressured into having my son for example i doubt it would ever have happened. but because there was never any pressure i have a gift for the rest of my life and a testiment to the fun times i had before he came along.

make sense?

I hope you do feel better

sorry for being so raw like that i probably should have explained more but hard with co workers breathing down my neck

[xoxlynn]

Thank you that was helpful. I guess it's just different being a girl you don't really care so much about feeling the need to be with a bunch of people. At least I don't. I'm definitely going to take the pressure off I just hope I haven't done too much damage already.

[BennyJamesField]

you can undo damage by talking to him
simply tell him, when he is ready then he can choose
he obviously enjoys being with you

after you talk to him do not mention marriage at all.

[michelle23]

OP not all men feel the need to have a certain number before settling down. Its a stereotype and a myth that men need to do that and its all BS. Only a certain type want to sleep around and i know plenty of men who don't. That is just two guys opinions so don't let it get to you.

I agree that you are both young-too young for marriage and I wouldn't consider that a "commitment issue" anyone with common sense would be weary of marriage at such a young age.

Im 23, I have been with my bf for almost 5 years and I don't want to get married yet. Id happily wait another 5 years. You said that he talks about the future. Marriage/kids with you. Why isnt that enough for you?

How many times have you split up and why? Was it him doing all the dumping? Thats not a solid foundation btw and its unlikely that you and he will get married if its on/off.

[Wakeup]

Are either of you working? Have you left the family home? Have you started to save for a downpayment on a home? Are you finished school?

Unless or until you've done at least two of those things, I suggest you relax and enjoy your relationship and worry about the next step up in it once you've accomplished one of those life-steps first.

Take if from someone who married their high-school sweetheart. He said he never wanted to get married too and here we are.. over 30 years later still enjoying one another having married, bought a couple of homes, had a daughter and enjoyed seeing her get married and buy her own home this year.

[xoxlynn]

Thank you for your input everyone. I talked to him and decided I'm not going to pressure him anymore. He seemed very relieved and I really don't want to be one of those girls who is always pressuring their boyfriend. Although we've "broken up" a few times, it never lasted more than two months and normally it was just a few weeks. We haven't had any issuers for the past two years since we graduated high school so this just kind of threw me for a loop. But it looks like everything will work out.