Boyfriend has slept with many girls

[Emelie]

This will be a hard thread to write even though I am anonymous..

Basically, I have difficulty accepting that my boyfriend "slept around" before he met me. Party boy, and had been with approx 30 girls before reaching the age of 25. Myself, well he is my first boyfriend and my 2nd sex partner.

I have always held back and been quite modest with jumping into beds with people and I have always told myself that I never wanted one of those guys, as they appear to lack respect for women. But you can't choose who you fall in love with and since we are from different backgrounds I didn't find out until a bit into the relationship. I still find it difficult to accept this fact even though it has been almost 2 years and I can't see myself to forever be with my boyfriend. Every time we fight I bring this fact up.

He has been nothing but good to me, but I just wish his past was different. I kind of feel that sex is not special to him, but it is for me and I only keep it for people I love.

Plus another thing that upset me is that he was dating other girls whilst dating me in the beginning of the relationship. I understand that this is something some people do, but I feel tricked because I wasn't informed that I was in "a competition".

[michelle23]

Of for gawds sake. The answer is obvious. Dump him

You dont like his past or the way he treated you in the beginning and its pointless going round and round in circles.

Go and find yourself someone with a past you can accept.

I feel the same way as you. I wouldnt date a guy with a rep like that as I think you cannot trust someone like that and they are more likely to cheat. The difference between me and you though is: I wouldn't stick around for 2 years holding something I cannot change against him. I just wouldn't go near him in the first place and find a guy who lives up to my standards and expectations. I would also ask upfront about his past before getting serious.

You should just accept that there are too many things about him that you do not like and walk away

[Emelie]

It is more complex than that. We have a home together, he is sweet and kind to me, and he has after all done nothing bad towards me as long as we have been together in a relationship. The issue is only that I don't like his past. But I understand your answer... it is exactly what I would have answered a couple of years ago.

[michelle23]

Well you have two choices

1/. Accept it, get over it and don't mention it again or
2/. Move out and meet someone else

That is who he is, if you break up-hell probably become that person again. Either deal with it or dump him coz you cant have it both ways and its not fair to throw it in his face each time you argue.

[Wakeup]

Then if you love him, you're building a life together and he's done NOTHING to indicate to you that he's cheated or ever going to cheat and he's showing you in words and actions that match that he loves you and no one else but you, then what is your reasoning for being fixated on his past? There is NO good reason. PERIOD.

You are going to eventually whittle away at his respect for you if you don't cut out this silliness. If you can't stop obsessing then I suggest you go to your family doctor and tell him/her that you want a psych referral so that you can talk to someone about your obesession that is ruining a perfectly good relationship because of your OCD thinking on this.

[bcgirl]

It's been 2 yrs and you can't shake off his past. You will never be able to shake off his past and you can't turn back time. You deep down know the answer of what you need to do. So now you have a home together yet this fact of his past sleeziness keeps pissing you off. Are you waiting to get married and have a couple kids with him? If you stay with him, you'll forever punish him for his past and that is not fair. You'll also wish you had as many sex partners as he had so you wouldn't feel as bummed out about it, which is also not fair. Dump him, and find someone who's past you are more able to accept. Allow him to find a girl who doesn't hold a grudge about his past.

[Emelie]

Wakeup: I've been thinking that too... what is wrong with me. I guess it is something for a psychiatrist but I find it silly, there are people out there with more severe problems who they should focus their attention to. Perhaps michelle23's 2nd solution is easier and more fair.

[toknow]

Nothing is wrong with you and the stronger your feelings for him, the harder it will be for you to accept that. If you didn't care, then there is a problem.

Now he has to convince you none of those 30 girls meant anything to him. That's a tough one. I mean, even for a guy that's a high number...what was he thinking.

[michelle23]

You are not compatible. You have different morals, values, beliefs, views on sex and love and this has weighed heavily on your mind for 2 years. Is it worth it? The arguments/fights/stress/insecurity/worry/doubt?

Would you argue if he had less of a past? Has this affected your relationship in other ways? Do you trust him, feel safe and comfortable with him? Are you confident in bed with him? Are you confident that you are enough for him? Or do you fear that hell cheat or leave you for someone else?

You say you hate his past but you dont explain why? What is this really about?

[michelle23]

Now he has to convince you none of those 30 girls meant anything to him.

That is the thing that upsets her-that they meant nothing.

[toknow]

That is the thing that upsets her-that they meant nothing.

No I meant, that he should have been in a relationship with them if he was having sex with them, but they still didn't mean anything to him. Not that he just slept around.

[lamobatsman]

my two cents.
"Plus another thing that upset me is that he was dating other girls whilst dating me in the beginning of the relationship. I understand that this is something some people do, but I feel tricked because I wasn't informed that I was in "a competition". "

I love how girls say this. This is just silly from you. How does he know that u werent seeing or tlaking to other guys and i think its only fair to see other girls at the beginning cos if you had changed ur mind then what would he have done? this just annoys me lol

[michelle23]

It doesnt really matter what he says. It still bothers her and probably always will. There not compatible.

[Wakeup]

Wakeup: I've been thinking that too... what is wrong with me. I guess it is something for a psychiatrist but I find it silly, there are people out there with more severe problems who they should focus their attention to. Perhaps michelle23's 2nd solution is easier and more fair.

Its up to you what you decide. If you find just walking away from a man who loves you and has built a home with you and who you love easier then you having to do the work on yourself to get past your OCD thinking, then that is your choice. Me, If the relationship was good, he was showing me he loved me and he wasn't showing any signs of a man that still needed to have multiple partners, then I'd do the work on me that needed doing to be able to appreciate the man I loved in spite of his past. I would walk away of course if he was still a philandering cess pot.. but you don't give any indication that he is anything of the sort.

[michelle23]

I love how girls say this. This is just silly from you. How does he know that u werent seeing or tlaking to other guys and i think its only fair to see other girls at the beginning cos if you had changed ur mind then what would he have done? this just annoys me lol

Thats insecurity talking. "ill date others encase she dumps me" its Bull. Its not a healthy foundation for a serious relationship and he should have told her from the start he was seeing other people instead of making her think he felt just as strongly about her as she felt about him. Honesty is the best policy to avoid all this crap