How should I contact my ex-GF to reconnect??

[phantogram]

I've decided that I'm going to contact my ex girlfriend next week sometime. We broke up mutually about 6 weeks ago, and we agreed to remain friends once things settle, and to meet up after a few weeks for lunch or coffee or something. I haven't spoken to her since I picked up my stuff from her place about a week after the split, as I felt I should respect her need for space and begin to sort my own issues out, while enabling her to do the same.

I miss her, and on some level I want her back, but I won't know how she's doing unless the lines of communication are reopened. If there's no chance of anything, I'm happy to move on, but I just want to start to know how she's feeling at this point and if she misses me at all too.

What do you think she'd be most receptive to, generally speaking? Do I text? Do I call? What do I say (I'm planning on just saying something along the lines of "hey, what's up?" or "hey, how's it going?", or should I say more?) When is a good time of day to reach out?

PLEASE DO NOT TELL ME TO NOT GO THROUGH WITH THIS, MY MIND IS MADE UP ON THAT

Thanks in advance for the advice!

[jacksl8]

You do alot more than that, depending on your relationship, I would say to take things were they stopped and fix what was wrong.Come up a strategy.

[Vintazh]

Greetings Phantogram.

I do not personally agree with the prior poster, because rushing things would definitely NOT be the way to go. Perhaps you and she were sexual before the split. Taking things right back to BAM! Sexual! would not be the right way to go. It may be all fun and stuff during, but after, there may be regrets.

This is where you need to ask yourself how long you're willing to wait. How slow you're willing to take things. But most importantly, what this girl means to you. Is she worth sex right off the start, or is she worth it to take things slow? A friendly text saying something like, 'Hey, it's been a while since we've spoken. How are you?'

Keep things neutral until she is able to get re-used to you. Then gradually progress to chatting via the phone, perhaps a coffee date. (Lunch and dinner dates may be a bit too intimate, if it's the two of you only at this stage.) When you have her in the palm of your hand, when she sees that you're willing to take it slow with her, no matter what you want or how you may feel, THEN bring up the possibility of a more intimate date, perhaps even dinner. But if you feel that she's 'pulling away', then take a step back and say something like, 'IF you're ready. If not, we'll just do lunch or something'. Don't get offended, but act casual, so that she knows it's okay if she refuses.

Treat her with the respect and patience you would want her to treat you with. Before you know it, you may find yourself on the receiving end of the phone calls, or perhaps even a dinner date. Be good to her, Phantogram, show her what a gentleman you can be, and who knows? She may love you once more in the way you want her to. THEN cautiously bring up the reasons for your mutual breakup, and see what you can do to prevent the recurrence of said situations.

I wish you the best of luck, you seem like a wonderful, caring person who deserves to be happy.


Edit: I apologize, I overlooked your question regarding the time of day. Well, I'm not entirely sure it would matter, but I'd recommend around 5pm or so. People are usually far more busy during the 9-5 hours, and if you call her much later then 5-7, she may be cautious and wonder whether or not you are calling her for something intimate. I refuse to use the term 'Booty Call' as I believe it is lower-class.

[michelle23]

You should ask her to meet you for lunch and then at lunch tell her the feelings are there and you would love to start again if shes interested.

If she says no-tell her you respect that but you cant be friends as it would hinder your ability to move on.

Best of luck. Let us no how it goes.

Ps: if there are unresolved issues-you will have to be conscious to avoid making the same mistakes again. Communication is key in any healthy relationship

[jacksl8]

I didnt even mention anything about rushing in an being sexual,Derive a strategy as think about how he should see his relationship progressing in the future and would he could do to remedy the situation.

[Wakeup]

I miss her, and on some level I want her back, but I won't know how she's doing unless the lines of communication are reopened. If there's no chance of anything, I'm happy to move on, but I just want to start to know how she's feeling at this point and if she misses me at all too.

After reading that, it hardly sounds like it was a mutual decision to part ways.

Planning an elaborate scheme to figure out where her head / heart is, is just a waste of both of your time. So just use the K.I.S.S method.. Keep It Simple Stupid.

Just why did you break up, mutually or otherwise?

[phantogram]

She was suffering from depression/identity issues (triggered by a few things, including an abusive ex, she was seeing a therapist for that), and stress from school (her) and work (me). It was a breakup that neither of us wanted, and we tried to make things work in the end, but that we agreed was for the best so we could sort our respective issues out. I should make it clear, I have absolutely no desire to pressure her into anything at this point, and if she has no desire to see me right now, I will absolutely respect that. But I think in all likelihood she'll be happy to at least hear from me at this point.

But me being generally unhappy with the situation doesn't mean the split wasn't mutual (I know the idea of breaking up was she struggled to come to terms with as well). I hate that it happened, but it was absolutely, absolutely necessary, at least for a period of time. And she said before the split that she wanted us to remain in each others lives regardless of what happens to the romantic relationship, and we agreed to meet for lunch or something a few weeks after the breakup (that one was at my initial suggestion).

But as it stands, I haven't spoken to her in several weeks, and I haven't asked any of her friends for updates (that would just be sketchy), so I don't really completely know how she's doing at this moment (my only insights have been the occasional post that has popped up on my FB news feed, but that's not a reliable judge of anything).

If there's no such thing as a truly mutual breakup (as some would argue), then I think this is about as close to one as you could get.

[phantogram]

But I absolutely agree with keeping it simple! Right now, I'm looking for a quick chat over coffee at most!

[lamobatsman]

u dont want my advice cos it would be leave it bad idea and move on

[Wakeup]

and we agreed to meet for lunch or something a few weeks after the breakup (that one was at my initial suggestion).

Then call her up and do as your gut is telling you and keep it at a simple cup of coffee if she's willing.
You didn't ask for advise on whether or not she's in the right frame of mind to be dating or seeing exes or any of that so I'll just wish you...
Good luck.

[phantogram]

You didn't ask for advise on whether or not she's in the right frame of mind to be dating or seeing exes or any of that so I'll just wish you...
Good luck.

I didn't initially ask that, but in your opinion, do you think contacting her would be a bad idea? Do you think she would not be in the right frame of mind? I want to see her, and I think she would like to see me, but I can't be 100% sure I'm right about she wants. I just want you to be completely honest, and if you are, I'll appreciate it immensely.

[Wakeup]

Well, I think most people say things like "I want you in my life no matter whether its romantic or just friends" sort of thing and that's because they're just afraid of the finality of it. However; that's just surmising so I'll just say:

She was suffering from depression/identity issues (triggered by a few things, including an abusive ex, she was seeing a therapist for that), and stress from school (her) and work (me).

What progress could she have possibly have made in such a short period of time?

Since it was her that said she would want you in her life no mater in what capacity, I tend to think that you should wait until she reaches out to you. I'd not waste your dating time waiting for her to do that either. She's got a lot to work through in order to be ready for any type of relationship before she'll make a good other half. (friend or lover).

Just my thoughts... take them or leave them, Phatogram. (cool screen name btw).

[phantogram]

I'm gonna give it some more thought and see how I'm feeling next week. I'll post updates here. And again, thanks for the honesty

[phantogram]

Hey all, so slight update. She wished me a happy birthday on Facebook the other day, and all I've done is like the post (as with most of the other posts). I'm thinking of calling or texting this weekend, and I'm possibly passing through her area next weekend. Again, we loosely agreed to meet up a few weeks after the breakup, and it's pushing two months, so it seems like it might be a good time to make good on that. Should I just directly but casually ask to meet up for a quick lunch or cup of coffee, or should I go about it a bit more gingerly? Also, calling or texting, your thoughts?

[michelle23]

You should just do it OP. Its either going to be a yes or no. Ring her, ask her how she has been, tell her you miss her and ask her out on a date