I can't understeand that all, i have a chaos in my head

[Vanadain]

It's kind a long sad story, but impossible to shorten. I will be gratefull for anyone who will even manage to read that. A little bit story of my life.
And sorry for all mistakes, english is not my main language.


Once I was in love with somebody. She was my world and i sucrfised a lot for her. Lost dozen of friends and a lot of time to be with her. She was from copletely other side of country, so i was spending lot's of time even to visit her. Lost three years to fight her socio fobia problems. Finally i have won, she started spending time with other people.. And than, she decided that rather spent that time with them than with me so it's end of "us".
I was completely broken but after a long time managed to deal with that problem and started to live again. It was two years ago.
Next year was totally tedious. Just tried to pass some exams in school and there was no one interesting in my life.
Something changed in the last year of my life. It was never so.. various..
Once I just sat down and started thinking. There was only one thought in my mind "I'm alone". And next day I've gained a message from unknown girl on facebook "You are my male version!".
It was totally abstract. I wanted a change in my life and it just came to me next day..
We were very similar but also very different. She is one of my best friend now but we couldn't become a pair. Couldn't create realtionship. We had same interests but totally different charakters and that was not possible. After her there were two more girls. One of them loved me but i couldn't love her. The second one couldn't love me and i was suffering but that wasn't a long suffer.
That year was interesting. I met a lot of people, tried to create something in my life and didn't manage to but I was still trying.
And something changed a few months ago.

I've met a girl which was a really female version of me. Long talks about everything., very same sense of humor. The same political and religious views. It was amazing, so we started spending time with each other.
Our first date was best day of my life. It was like a scene from a soppy film. I started a sentence and she ended. She was talking that saw something and liked it very much some time ago and i had it in my pocket. We were looking at each other and telling same sentence at same time.
It was just obvious that that first date couldn't be the last one. Soon we meet again and again couldn't stop talking and laughing. That one time in my life i really felt that there is someone very same as me so i vill never again be alone. I gave her a rose and still remember her smile.
After that we started talking a lot in free time, every day. It was unbelliveble how similar we were.
And she was.. the most happy person i've ever met. Smiling all the time..
One day i just kissed her and now don't know what it was. After the kiss she reacted very strangely, started whispering something like "im totally ****ed up, i'm nothing" with a great sadness.
But it soon gone and next weeks were best in my life. We were talking all days, laughing. We were talking with each other just like we was already a pair. Best one in the world.
I knew that it was a matter of a few days to create a real relationship. Just needed to meet one more time.. Just once..
But life was cruel. It became impossible to meet. Every time we tried something was happening and finally we couldn't see each other.
It was three weeks without a date and once she told me that she met a friend of her ex - boy on the street. (They spent a year together but he was kind a mental sick. Treated her like a bitch. He was calling her a slut and lot worse. He was threatening to her and her friends with a knife and after breaking up was stalking her for next few months.) She told me that she started to ponder about her life and concluded that dateing with a psychopath changed her. Concluded that she can't really be happy. That after all of that she has a cold distance to her life and don't feel many emotions.
She also told me about next boyfriend which was her friend before. They knew each other 4 years and were together 8 monts but one day without a reason he just left her wothout a word of explanation. Just left.
After her ponderig she started talking about them a lot. She hates them but also were thinking about them and talking a lot. And became totally cold for me. Every time i sent her some nice words she weren't even responding. She couldn't find a time for me to meet. She was just ignoring me. I was already in love with her and couldn't stand that. After one of such days of being ignored i asked her to be honest with me, because i prefer a honest talk even if she don't want to create further realtionship with me than to stuck in something like that. Told her that don;t feel like she respects me any more. It was a great argue, she denied everything of that. I can't understead why. If she didn;t want me, she had a great opportunity to end that but she didn't.
So we were still talking but couldn't even meet for nearly four weeks. After that we spend some time together but not alone. We met her friend and spend that time with her, not just each other. A week later also meet with her so nothing changed between us. Once she stopped to respond to my messages for 4 days. I asked her again for a honest talk and again she denied it just teling that she still wants to meet with me and everytning is OK.
But it wasn't.. Three weeks ago she asked me to go with her to the theater. I agreed and after that we were finaly alone just with each other. First time for more than a month so i tried to kiss her and she told me "thats very bad idea"
It was very painfull but i manage to stay strong. Just told her that she could be honest with me becaouse i asked her to, and could tell me not to waste my time. She couldn't say a word, she was just looking at me very sad and i turned back and went home.
At night she sent me sms. I read it so many times i know it by heart..
"You are right, that i didn't treat you well. It has totally nothing to do with You, i really liked You. I'm stucked in a strange circle of my ex-boyfriends, pondering the past with the exception of bad, forgotten, serious mistakes with which i didn't ever come to terms.
I am the last person to create a realtionship with but i've never wanted to give you false promisses and to deceive You. I've never thought about all of that that, that way. I'm sorry i'm telling that in sms but that situation overhelmed me and i think i will probably have no another chance to tell that."

I felt most terrible in my entire life. Like she never wanted me. Like she just wanted to forget about the past so started spending time with me but never really felt anything to me. And i loved her.. I had no idea what to do with all of that. It was too difficult so i ust responded that if she really ponder her past every day she does it only because she wants to and can stop that every day. I wished her all the best and said that i'm happy i once met her.
It was saying a goodbye to her...
But she never responded.. She never told me goodbye and i cant forget her. I still wonder if she hates me because of that or can't forgive that i ended everything.. but i loved her too much to become a normall friend.. I have no idea what really happened. It was something amazing, we could talk with each other like with no one else in the world and vere happy together.. But it just ended.. Without a real reason.. And I miss her so much i have no idea what to do. I have her smile oin front of my eyes, all day and can't forget. I love her but we will never meet again, we will never talk again... I spend all days on trying to understeand why that all happened.. we were so close.. like it was the matter of 2-3 days to be the happies people on earth. And instead i miss her wondering if she sometimes even thinks about me..

[Nom]

I'm sorry, Vanadain. That sounds painful.

[smackie9]

Painful as it seems now, down the road when some time has past and look back at this you will say to yourself "Wow I was so foolish to feel that way."

[Ruganzu]

Let me start off by saying Oh how i wish my situation was a bit more similar. This girl AT LEAST was WISE enough first of all to not Wholly drag you into a spiral of confusion and heart shed. She was wrong maybe to have led you on but right to understand her emptiness and have a compassion to sort it out. Vanadian you dont know the clogs that lay in the darkness of that womans heart. Respect her wish to want to sort out her agony and leave her be. A person who has not come to terms with their vexations are deadly and she realized that (a little late mind you) but she did.I know it sounds biased a bit to write like this to you. Here you are thinking you may have found that person to liberate your drought of pain but realistically she seemed to have alot more demons in her closet. I think the closeness she developed for you opened her eyes to a realization of whats going on inside of her. Dont rush to be in love. Being in love with another is not the answer to happiness. You should meditate on your life and begin to love yourself and not look to another to love you for you.. You may or may not ever talk again.. Is that an end to your happiness? Were those feelings you had during a few dates what defined you?

[Vanadain]

Maybe you are right..
It's just, that i saw it in her eyes. She really cared. I promised myself to be noncontommital. But i saw that she cared, i saw that there is much more between us and She saw it too and was glad of that. Was full of happiness
And suddenly everything just ended leaving only emptiness.

yea, it's not end of my hapiness in my life and those feelings are not everything that define me. I'ts not about that
It would be childish to think like that, to think she was to be my great only love and i lost eveything. Heart always say us something like that but it's not true, i know that..
But during live, everyone meet lot's of people. Thousands of them, but just a few of them are supposed to become someone more to us.
There are milions of people with which you can say words but just a few with which you can talk, exchange all your thoughts.
Most of people are just acquaitance for us.
But there are those few people in the world who are just like us. You meet just a few of them in your entire life.

Some of them become your friends forever, some of them are most importand people in your life, with some of them you create a real and strong realtionsips that will last for years. And one of them you marry.
I'm not saying that i believe we would be together for years or that we were meant for each other because i can't know that.
But what I know for sure is that she was one of them and everything that was between us, everything we could create between us would be real and unique
I felt that and cared of her really much. Felt in love with her. And everything just broken into pieces. It was impossible to stay friends. I would not stand that but i've done everything to let her know that she was really importand for me, that i'm really happy i've met her and honestly wish she was happy.
And didn't even gain a reply. The thought that she hates me for leaving is just unbearable.. The thought that we lost something special that happens only a few times in life. And didn't even tried , just lost that because of the past, because of.. i don't know because of what..
Or maybe it was just an excuse for an stupid idiot in love, which she didn't want

[Ruganzu]

Maybe you are right..
It's just, that i saw it in her eyes. She really cared. I promised myself to be noncontommital. But i saw that she cared, i saw that there is much more between us and She saw it too and was glad of that. Was full of happiness
And suddenly everything just ended leaving only emptiness.

yea, it's not end of my hapiness in my life and those feelings are not everything that define me. I'ts not about that
It would be childish to think like that, to think she was to be my great only love and i lost eveything. Heart always say us something like that but it's not true, i know that..
But during live, everyone meet lot's of people. Thousands of them, but just a few of them are supposed to become someone more to us.
There are milions of people with which you can say words but just a few with which you can talk, exchange all your thoughts.
Most of people are just acquaitance for us.
But there are those few people in the world who are just like us. You meet just a few of them in your entire life.

Some of them become your friends forever, some of them are most importand people in your life, with some of them you create a real and strong realtionsips that will last for years. And one of them you marry.
I'm not saying that i believe we would be together for years or that we were meant for each other because i can't know that.
But what I know for sure is that she was one of them and everything that was between us, everything we could create between us would be real and unique
I felt that and cared of her really much. Felt in love with her. And everything just broken into pieces. It was impossible to stay friends. I would not stand that but i've done everything to let her know that she was really importand for me, that i'm really happy i've met her and honestly wish she was happy.
And didn't even gain a reply. The thought that she hates me for leaving is just unbearable.. The thought that we lost something special that happens only a few times in life. And didn't even tried , just lost that because of the past, because of.. i don't know because of what..
Or maybe it was just an excuse for an stupid idiot in love, which she didn't want

You speak with observasive language which is a trait of wisdom, It gladdens me to see someone who is analytical like you... What you need to do now is be patient. Patience brings alot of things to light and with it you will inherit someone for you. Don't base your actions on your understanding of love or what you think you should do. Be Patient and yourself and things will get better. You will meet more people. Just learn from this and guard your heart from just anybody and I hope to hear positivuty from you next time.
God bless
Ruganzu