Feeling Neglected

[Nom]

Hey all, I just want some opinions. I'm not sure if I'm crazy selfish or just crazy, ha.

My boyfriend and I come from different backgrounds. The only thing we have in common as far as our childhoods would be that we both moved around a lot as children (every 2-3 years). He comes from a large family (1 of 9), the second oldest. They are very close, abnormally close. He and his brother are best friends and live together (until after this summer), and his two sisters are best friends and live together. They were all home schooled, are crazy well educated, were brought up proper (manners, nice people). His mother and younger siblings are super religious. He has the same views but they don't control his life.

I, on the other hand, look like white trash compared to him. I have two sisters, one of them lives a distance away, not sure where the other one is as she disappeared. I'm not close with either of them. I went to public school, I'm so uneducated compared to his family. My family is not close. I just wasn't raised the same. I have manners, but I literally am just trashy compared to him. I have no religion. I guess that makes me atheist.

So, anyway, he's back home for the summer (college kids) with his huge family. The youngest sibling is 5 and the oldest is 17. He's always babysitting. He's so close with them. It's weird to me. It's like he's a brother-father or something. He says that he's just like an uncle to most of them because of the age difference, and that apparently makes up for the behavior. They spend so much time together, do everything together, make dinner and watch movies every night, he takes the younger ones to the library and the park. Is this just weird to me because my family is so distant? I feel like he acts like a dad to his siblings, and it makes me uncomfortable.

I'm also just being jealous and whiney, though. He barely has time for phone calls. He calls and then one of his siblings interrupts and tells him his mother wants him to make dinner or run to the store for something, idk. It's annoying and weird.

Am I making a bigger deal out of this than I should? We're in our early 20's.

[overanxious]

my situation was a bit different...but my ex was abnormally close to her family....to the point that it shocked me...of course i am an only child which was much different(we had discussions about this many time as i was concerned about her attachment)....at the same time i had many friends with siblings and families....and though i spent alot of time around them not nearly as much as i did with my ex and hers...my friends and their families never had the same types of constant conflict yet undying devotion.....it bothered me...it seemed like i could never get her fully to myself unless she was in my hometown...even then she would phone them 5 times a day.....early on i had witnessed her fighting with her mother and her siblings when id go to visit....theyd all live under the same roof most of the time...she was always fighting for her parents attention(and was way too old for this kind of stuff)....her sister was always stealing her clothes or her money or whatever....then i later moved up there and her sister had moved there on her own and it was like they were best friends again without the day to day interaction...my ex would pick her sister up 40 minutes away to bring her back into town to take her to the doctors over something minor and then bring her 40 minutes back....it was crazy.....but i didnt feel like i was the number 1 priority....and it sucked...although she was there for me too....she was all i had.....

there were times early on shed show me pictures of herself and her parents before they were born and laugh and say "thats when things were good"....looking back i can say she had some type of childhood attention injury when things shifted from her being her parents primary focus.....id even say "do u wish they were never born"...."oh no of course not"....but its some sort of crazy injury that haunts her.....and while she would talk about a future with me id say "you know someday your brother and sister are going to move somewhere with spouses(maybe not far) and you wont see them everyday and your lives will be different...everyone will have their own thing going".....but it never seemed to register.....her mothers 3 other siblings had all moved out of state yet her mother lived literally withing a 5 minute walk of her mother....

i understand i grew up an only child....i mean...i learned to entertain myself and enjoy some moments of solitude...while others might have learned to enjoy the chaos of a larger household....me and most of my relatives had a very good relationship....cordial...casual...mutual respect....but i didnt understand what it was like to grow up in a chaotic household where you are fighting to feel loved and for attention......sadly...even at the age of 26 i dont think she knew how to outgrow that whole thing.....and if someone cant give you everything and all of their attention thats probably how it will always be...i thought maybe moving close to them would help her....so she could see them and id still be there...i thought it would make it easier and better...but in the end i should have known they meant more than i did...i felt more like an extra...a part of her life instead of what she professed as being her "whole life"

[smackie9]

This guy will make the most amazing father to your children. Remember when you marry or have a long term relationship, you become a part of his family. Stop standing outside looking in and be a part of something you never really had. Embrace it and let it fill your heart.

[smackie9]

Also to add, there is nothing wrong with furthering your knowledge by taking up some studies at a community college....there is no age limit to educating yourself......pick up a book and read.

[Nom]

Yeah, the problem here is that I do not plan on having children. It's not something I want. And I don't come from a family where I had to assist in diaper changes and watched my siblings grow from infants. I also do not have a healthy relationship with my father. So, I see him being a weird brother-father to his brothers and sisters and it just weirds me out. He has such a weird attachment to his older brother. They've been together for 24 years, and this summer is the first time they wont be living together. He cried. He cried when his brother was moving out. Am I heartless? I don't see this as a life altering event.

[smackie9]

BTW the proper term for no religion is agnostic not atheist, unless you don't believe in god or are not open to some spirituality.

[smackie9]

It's love, not an unusual attachment....pure love. Someday you may break out of it....you never learned to truly love unconditionally because you were never raised in that kind of environment. You are shut down emotionally. You can seek out help with a therapist if you wish to break out of this.

[basilandthyme]

Yeah, the problem here is that I do not plan on having children. It's not something I want.

Does your boyfriend want children? If so, you may as well end things now. Having children isn't something you can compromise on

[TablesandChairs]

The family your were born into does not make you 'trash' - the only person that can make you trash is you. Secondly, a lot of very educated people are atheists so religion has nothing to do with it. Thirdly, some people are close to their families, others aren't - this has nothing to do with class, education, financial status...it's just luck of the draw.

I think you feel inferior - him and his family are not making you feel this way. If there's some aspect of your life you would like to improve, do it. I don't come from a wealthy family but my ex did; the difference was huge. His parents would have arguments over where to holiday next (France or Sweden?) whereas mine would argue over which bill to pay first. Big deal. Sure, I was aware of the difference but I couldn't care less.

[michelle23]

I agree with smackie that you should get some therapy to help you heal emotionally and overcome any past trauma. It sounds like your family was dysfunctional and it makes you fear family life.

A close family is a blessing. You should embrace it. It is nice to have that kind of support system especially if you do have children in the future.