Is long distance a really bad idea for us?

[michelle23]

Hey all.

You will see in my other thread me and my bf are considering moving to Canada for a few years. The problem is right now we have no money saved. The only option I can think of is for him to fly out there with his friend in the next month or two and get set up there. He could send home the money for my flights while I get everything sorted here and then I could follow him out there the end of August or September (if I can fly the dog out with me) and try to get a job.

I am just wondering would it have a bad affect on us if we were long distance for 2-3 months. I dont want anything to come between us and I am worried about it. I also am worried about being alone in the house. I don't like sleeping alone as I get nightmares and I know I will miss him terribly.

Im not sure if Id cope living in a big house on my own and I know it would be very lonely. I cant move out until August when the lease is up and we are owed a 750 deposit on the house.

Maybe it would be a better idea to wait until August for him to fly out so I could live with my parents for two or three weeks and then follow him out?

What do you guys think?

We have not been apart for almost 5 years and I know distance can break a couple even if it is only short term. It scares me but I really want to get out of here.

Any decision we make on this will be made together and we both have to be happy with it. I know he doesn't want to go without me but the company would pay for his flights and accommodation and then he could easily send money home to me. It does seem like the only option. His friend said he could save 20,000 in a month or two so we could get a flat and id start looking for a job straight away

[Am I crazy?]

If you feel that your relationship is not strong enough to withstand 2-3 months apart and could possibly be broken in that short of a time apart then I would have to say that your relationship is more based upon spending crap loads of time together as a way to keep the other from straying and less upon love and trust.

[michelle23]

we are a strong couple and I do trust him. That is not what I am worried about. I know distance can lead to depression especially when we are so used to seeing each other everyday. It would be hard and there may be unexpected delays. We are very close and I would miss him like crazy. I don't want to lose him but I know he wouldn't cheat if that is what you are implying.

[Am I crazy?]

Michelle,

Seriously, I know you and I butt heads on a lot of topics but I am going to be quite sincere on the advice I am giving you. Just from what you have shared of your relationship in the past you seem like you are the type of person who is almost obsessive about your relationships to the point where your identity is "you and ?" and less "you". I think some time apart would probably open your eyes to some of the relationship realities that you are unable to see or comprehend now. I'm not saying you need to break up, but rather you need time to rediscover your own identity. Its ok to be two separate people in one relationship, in fact its healthy. The foundations of a good relationship do not need to be constantly maintained by spending time together each and every day. Between dating and marriage I have been with my wife for 23 years. My work is such that I am unable to take vacations so my wife will often take the kids and leave town for a couple of weeks to visit family in another state. Half the time it is days between the times we speak. I love my wife but I gotta say I also love our time apart. Its good for a relationship. Again, and I don't mean this to be harsh, but if you feel that you would be depressed over a couple month separation then you may need to evaluate if you have obsessive tendencies regarding your relationship and whether your identity is "individual" or "couple". The best couples I know are the ones who don't need to constantly be together for their relationship to work and be successful.

[Am I crazy?]

Let me say it another way. If your happiness is dependent upon another person, then you have lost your own identity in the relationship and need time apart to rediscover how to be happy as an individual. One you rediscover happiness as an individual, you will be amazed in how the worries and insecurities will disappear. When you know your happiness is dependent upon others you will never be truly comfortable in a relationship no matter how hard to work to convince yourself you are. You and your BF may be perfect for one another, but until you are perfect as an individual you will always have your worries and insecurities.

[michelle23]

oh for gawds sake can someone else give me advice on this topic please? I am not dependent on him, I am not obsessive or whatever else you said coz I didn't read it. You have your own opinion of me which is fine but I did just ask for advice on a long distance relationship. I didn't ask to be psycho analysed but thanks anyway

and the reason we see each other every day is coz we live together. I do have my own life, job, family, friends, interests and areas of study. My life is perfectly balanced. I do suffer with anxiety since a close relative died and I have a fear of losing people (especially him) but I do not obsess about it and I am working through it. Other than that there is nothing wrong with me so please stop making assumptions that I am some sort of loony

I am a strong person and I know if he walked out the door today and never came back, I would get over it, Id grieve the loss and move on and meet someone else. My happiness doesn't depend on him but I do love him and we enjoy quality time together.

Your marriage may work for you and your wife. My relationship works for us.

[Am I crazy?]

Well, I tried to be sincere and offer you good advice. I will now just take the "high road" and say. Good luck.

[HeartIsAching]

I think 2-3 months can be no problem for you. Both of you have computers? Skype a lot. Sleep "next" to each other - helped my wife and I.

[michelle23]

Well, I tried to be sincere and offer you good advice. I will now just take the "high road" and say. Good luck.

Thank you for your advice. I do see where you are coming from and I know it is sincere but you have the wrong impression of me. We dont cling to each other or smother each other. We have many friends and great family and hobbies and we both work 6 days a week but he is a big part of my life and I would find it difficult to be separated from him for a long time. I know 2-3months is not long but the thought of it scares him too. He is my best friend and the first person I turn to and same vice versa. Id hate not seeing his face everyday and not have him cuddling me at night. Maybe we are a little dependent on each other but we are happy that way and this is a normal relationship to us.

I know people who travel a lot for a living and have a lot of distance in their relationship and I think that is crazy but they probably think I am. Each to their own. It doesn't mean I have lost who I am or my individuality.

[michelle23]

I think 2-3 months can be no problem for you. Both of you have computers? Skype a lot. Sleep "next" to each other - helped my wife and I.

Thanks. He doesn't have a computer but if we go ahead with it we will get him one

[Valixy]

If you have any insecurities, Michele, they are probably born from being so young and facing such a major change in your life suddenly, so it's only natural for stress to appear. From what you've shared about your relationship and the way you both view this possible moving to Canada, you should encounter minimum couple problems. You'll miss each other very much and look forward to being together again but two or three months isn't really a long time. I suppose some external difficulties will be inevitable, especially in the first months, year but you already know this.

Good luck!

[fearoflove]

You sound like a little kid. 2-3 month is not an issue at all. It won't break your relationship. But ya, as HIA suggests, skype and send each other texts though out the day. Why does he need to send money out to you? Are you financially dependent on him too?

[FlaCooln]

Hey Michelle,

I think some time apart is good and can make your love stronger. So IMHO I would not worry much about the time apart. However, I would be a bit concerned about you being alone in the house for 2-3 months since you said you get nightmares and are VERY used to having someone there for you. Thus, I think it would be a bit easier on you if he waited until the lease is up for him to go to Canada and you could then stay with your parents. However, you can look at it like a growing opportunity for yourself. If he does leave soon and you have a few months in the house by yourself it will be harder, but in the long run it will make you a stronger person.

I know you did not ask this...But, moving from Ireland to Canada is a huge move. You will possibly be away from most if not all your family and friends, the life and country you know, and just your normal routine. So please make sure this move is something you both really want to do and that it is for the better. The grass is not always greener on the other side. I hope everything works out beautifully for you guys!

[stev123]

asking people on the internet for advice on a very serious and commited subject is a very bad idea, you know the situation better than anyone else, and perhaps you have family to talk to. asking a bunch of strangers isnt really a good idea.

[mydnyght]

I am going through the exact same situation, except I am five months pregnant and we are moving to Oregon. My boyfriend is leavig next week and I have to get out there in about a month, before I get too far along. We do not live together and sometimes we don't even see each other for two weeks a a time because of the way we both work. The worst part is he will miss the next ultrasound on June 10 and possibly my birthday on July 3.

I know it sucks, but if you focus on other things and don't look at the calender every single day, marking off the days, it will go really fast. Two or three months is nothing compared to the five years you've been together and you will be together before you know it.