20 yr age difference?

[Emereldess]

Hello everyone.

I am a 22 y/o female with a 42 y/o male. I am young, he is middle-aged (he calls himself old) but I am happy and so is he. I have worked two jobs so far since graduating from school. I've been in multiple relationships, each with their ups and their downs. We will not go into detail on how far down the downs have been in some of my relationships.. A question for the men out there: for those of you reading this and not giving me a chance past the part where I tell you my age versus his; please respond to this thread and tell me why it is that I get frowned upon for being with this man? I realize I'm young. I realize he has "been there, done that." I also realize I have a longer length of time laying ahead of me than he likely does. But. I have been with him nearly a year. I have accepted him and his four children, who now refer to me as "mum" or their step mom to other people. We have not once had a fight or argument in the entire time we've been together, and everyone around us tells us on a constant basis that they've never seen us happier. But why, while his friends tell him this, do they judge me and approach me when he's not around, accusing me of being "along for the ride" or "digging for gold" etc. etc.? I have told each of these people that I will not bend over and kiss their a$$ for approval to be with him. But I have also said that they should let time tell them the truth, and if they ever see him sad or miserable in the days that he is with me, that I will much respect if they approach me and then say their piece or ask what I've been doing wrong to or with him. I am not going to start putting numbers on paper, but for the record I would also like to clearly state that I have contributed equally to anything and everything between him and I, and money has never been an issue to either of the two of us. I am just getting fed up with this hypocritical behavior and starting to wonder if it is some sort of vibe I am giving off due to (appearance? attitude? maturity?) what I do not know..

Thanks for your time

[surfhb2]

If youre going to be with this guy, youd better get used to the comments and judgements girl. Sorry, but those are the ropes and you know it.

In other words, Stop your bitching and just be happy youre with a guy who truly loves you

[Emereldess]

Interesting

[Emereldess]

I appreciate the post but it did not answer my question?

[searock]

It's not you in particular that's giving off any "vibe", it's the simple fact that you are dating a much older guy than yourself that is. It's not about YOU, it's about your type of relationship.

[Emereldess]

So there really is no stopping it then. I suppose I can only let time soothe things. I appreciate your input, thank-you.

[searock]

So there really is no stopping it then. I suppose I can only let time soothe things.

Yes, as surfhb2 was saying, you just have to get used to it and stop caring about it, just enjoy your relationship.

[Emereldess]

I don't quite agree with that. I don't have to take garbage from anybody due to a poorly formed assumption based out of a media-born misconception of a certain "type" of relationship. Of course I do not want to care about it but I do to an extent because I worry that it could somehow impact my relationship. I don't ask this question for the sake of giving people something to bat at. This forum is meant for people seeking advice. I should not get defensive but I'll admit that this is a bit frustrating, as I'm not looking to be told to ignore something, I'm looking more so for an idea on how to gently handle it. I enjoy my relationship to the fullest. There is no doubt. But I do know the impact of words. Especially when it comes out of the mouths of your close friends/family. Before you think of a quick snap response that will probably "put me in my place" think of it this way: perhaps you would be a bit frustrated if you began a new relationship, watched all her friends/family smile at you and welcome you with open arms, and then as soon as she is not around you get approached by those very people, telling you straight to your face that they do not trust you, and they think you are there to freeload/take from her. Thanks

[searock]

You can't control what other people do or think, you can only control what *you* do or think. People will always judge if that's what they want to do and there's nothing you can do about it. You can either stop caring about it, or you can keep feeling bad about it and let it ruin your relationship.

[michelle23]

as the saying goes "you made your bed, lie in it". Stop caring what people think. Its your life so f**k everyone else and what they think.

[vashti]

I don't quite agree with that. I don't have to take garbage from anybody due to a poorly formed assumption based out of a media-born misconception of a certain "type" of relationship. Of course I do not want to care about it but I do to an extent because I worry that it could somehow impact my relationship. I don't ask this question for the sake of giving people something to bat at. This forum is meant for people seeking advice. I should not get defensive but I'll admit that this is a bit frustrating, as I'm not looking to be told to ignore something, I'm looking more so for an idea on how to gently handle it. I enjoy my relationship to the fullest. There is no doubt. But I do know the impact of words. Especially when it comes out of the mouths of your close friends/family. Before you think of a quick snap response that will probably "put me in my place" think of it this way: perhaps you would be a bit frustrated if you began a new relationship, watched all her friends/family smile at you and welcome you with open arms, and then as soon as she is not around you get approached by those very people, telling you straight to your face that they do not trust you, and they think you are there to freeload/take from her. Thanks

I've been in your shoes. You need to grow up and accept that the whole world doesn't owe you their approval, and actually, there IS a reason people think of you this way, whether or not you like it. What you probably don't realize is what they are thinking of your boyfriend, which is probably less kind.

The best thing to say is "I understand why you are concerned. I guess time will tell." There is no witty response that will change the world's mind.

[Emereldess]

This website seems only to be a place where people get attacked and criticized.. Some of the comments I can appreciate, while some are just outright rude. You people do not understand what a conversation is? That is fine. I will take my questions to a place more positive. I am not just speaking of my own conversation. I've so far witnessed several of you users involved in this discussion beat down others and criticize and judge them when all they are asking for is some POSITIVE feedback.. Do yourselves a favor and get off the computer, maybe go outside and smell the flowers. Obviously life is pretty boring for some of you if you sit at a computer all day making other people angry. I came here in the hopes of sparking connection with other people dealing with love/ relationships. I wasn't expecting trolls. Thank you anyway and don't bother making a reply just for me, I will not acknowledge petty comments any longer. If anyone is interested in discussing this further, a better bet may be to instead send me a private message.

[Wakeup]

I don't quite agree with that. I don't have to take garbage from anybody due to a poorly formed assumption based out of a media-born misconception of a certain "type" of relationship.

yes you do because you don't have control over other people or how they perceive things or, what they think. You only have control over how you respond to the way they think. Get that down and you'd not give a crap what they think when you know you're both perfectly happy.

Of course I do not want to care about it but I do to an extent because I worry that it could somehow impact my relationship.

Then tell your bf to tell them to cut it out. See if he can convince them to mind their own effing business.

I don't ask this question for the sake of giving people something to bat at. This forum is meant for people seeking advice.

yes and you've gotten some. Change your attitude about what they're saying. Afterall you appear tough and opinionated, ignore thier crap. They are entitled to what they think, you can ask them to keep their opinions to themselves. Be more assertive, straight forward about not wanting to know what they think.

I should not get defensive but I'll admit that this is a bit frustrating, as I'm not looking to be told to ignore something, I'm looking more so for an idea on how to gently handle it.

As I said, don't get defensive, get a little more assertive about not wanting to know that they think. Include your partner so that he can be just as assertive in not wanting to know their opinions.

I enjoy my relationship to the fullest. There is no doubt. But I do know the impact of words.

Then do something about not hearing them anymore.

Especially when it comes out of the mouths of your close friends/family.

Smile and tell them that's your opinion but I KNOW we are happy.

Before you think of a quick snap response that will probably "put me in my place" think of it this way:

Oh how defensive you are... and for no good reason.

perhaps you would be a bit frustrated if you began a new relationship, watched all her friends/family smile at you and welcome you with open arms, and then as soon as she is not around you get approached by those very people, telling you straight to your face that they do not trust you, and they think you are there to freeload/take from her. Thanks

Have you even told your bf what these people are saying to you? If you haven't why not? If you have what has he done to defend your union?

You sound like a little girl who is unable to handle this thing alone. There is safety in numbers so as a team, take care of business. It can be done with straight forward communication from the two of you.

[Wakeup]

This website seems only to be a place where people get attacked and criticized.. Some of the comments I can appreciate, while some are just outright rude. You people do not understand what a conversation is? That is fine. I will take my questions to a place more positive. I am not just speaking of my own conversation. I've so far witnessed several of you users involved in this discussion beat down others and criticize and judge them when all they are asking for is some POSITIVE feedback.. Do yourselves a favor and get off the computer, maybe go outside and smell the flowers. Obviously life is pretty boring for some of you if you sit at a computer all day making other people angry. I came here in the hopes of sparking connection with other people dealing with love/ relationships. I wasn't expecting trolls. Thank you anyway and don't bother making a reply just for me, I will not acknowledge petty comments any longer. If anyone is interested in discussing this further, a better bet may be to instead send me a private message.

It becoming clearer why they don't like you.

[Boisdevie]

This website seems only to be a place where people get attacked and criticized.

Well you're not obliged to be here are you? Why not go and see that old man you call your boyfriend and cheer yourself up.