Single built foundations: am i settling?

[lostlass]

Me and my partner have been together for five years, and we have always had a couple of issues. but... he is an amazing, amazing, devoted man and in some ways we work very very similar - no bullshit, talk about everything, don't flip out with quick emotional reactions to things. i love this.

the issue we have always had however is his emotional disconnection. i was aware of this a long long time ago, right at the start - and he has let me down and not been there for me at key areas and points in my life when i desperately needed that support rock. he was unaware - he just didn't realise of the emotional impact and how this has led me to feel lonely, even though he is physically there. My siater in law who is a therapist says we operate on a child to parent level, me the parent, him the child. never adult to adult - meaning im constantly supporting him emotionally, having to overlook a lot of hurtful reactions and being ignored emotionally, and also never being able to rely on him should i ever crumble and need support.... i always bomb down to my mum and dads or go to a friends. im physically sat with him, but i feel lonely.

the way it is now is that he has said, in me ending it last week cuz i feel exhausted, that he understands and will provide that support. he did things like run out and buy flowers for me for the first time. he says he gets it and has taken me for granted and will shower me with love and provide those emotionally stable foundations that have always lacked on his part. but i am hurting, and feel very responsible for him (parent/child?) and guilty if i left. tremendously guilty. and also like i said there are things i love about him, and we have fun, he is my best friend. i also don't know if i can trust it will happen fully. and am i someone who needs those foundations to be built naturally without him having to think about it and learn how to use the tools, almost as if its a foreign language to him?!

he says he will prove it to me, but last night when i was very upset, he still asked if i could clear my clothes off the bed and not just leave my penknife on the bedside table and put it away somewhere proper. if it was the other way round, **** clearing the bed, i can do that for him!! he'd need looking after in that moment! but he asked me to re-visit parent mode when i was in a melt down.

there are brilliant things about him, but this is seriously lacking. and i don't know if i met someone else who lacks those brilliant things about tim but can offer me the emotional stability, if that a better weigh-in, if that makes sense. if i will feel satisfied.

im dead scared of making the wrong choice. part of me thinks, work with your head, youre stable, you have a house, planning a future, but the other bit of me thinks screw that, think with your heart and go and try something else and stop panicking that im 30. you live once. don't settle. (am i settling???)

Thank you!!

[Eng.Jackadmans]

Its not like you have a better option.

[lostlass]

How do you mean?

[michelle23]

First of all I think you should tell this therapist to keep her nose out and stop putting ridiculous ideas in your head. It sounds pathetic to me

Now give us a few examples of his emotional failings and stop going on about this parent/child thing. I need more info before I can give advice. Nothing you said in your post makes it sound like your settling for second best. It could be that your standards and expectations are too high. but I do need some solid examples. Him asking you to clear your crap off the bed is not a good one

btw you feeling so much pain and guilt for leaving him is NOT because you feel like his parent. Its actually because you LOVE him deeply and deep down you think you made a mistake.

[TablesandChairs]

OP, have you read anything about Asperger's? Your partner reminds me (very, very much) of an ex of mine who was on the autism spectrum (high functioning). I only figured it out because I have a psych background, otherwise I would have been scratching my head trying to figure out why he wasn't quite 'normal'.

[searock]

OP, ignore Eng.Jackadmans, it's a troll.

Has your husband understood how much you need that kind of emotional support and stability? Why have you waited so long to tell him? It's going to be more difficult, now that so much time has passed since you first got together and that he has gotten used to things being the way they are, for him to change. You should be patient. And be careful about getting into emotional affairs, right now you are very vulnerable to falling into one.

[Eng.Jackadmans]

OP, have you read anything about Asperger's? Your partner reminds me (very, very much) of an ex of mine who was on the autism spectrum (high functioning). I only figured it out because I have a psych background, otherwise I would have been scratching my head trying to figure out why he wasn't quite 'normal'.

Getting his partner to do things for me, doesn't mean he has AS. Infact its quite the opposite.

[basilandthyme]

Getting his partner to do things for me, doesn't mean he has AS. Infact its quite the opposite.

So, what is your knowledge of AS?

[Eng.Jackadmans]

So, what is your knowledge of AS?

unable to comprehend another persons intentions.

[TablesandChairs]

People with AS are not good at 'knowing' what is expected of them when it comes to certain responses. They can seem selfish, negligent and childish, despite being intelligent and well functioning and successful in other areas (such as their jobs). They can follow instruction but are not too good with just instinctively knowing/initiating kind and supportive gestures. They're also not good at reading facial expression, body language and vocal tone.

I was bewildered by my ex, it was like he was from a different universe. I couldn't even really get angry...I knew it wasn't malicious...but from what I've read, partners need to understand that they might never get the emotional connection from them that they need.

It's worth looking into if nothing else.