Really confused by his hot and cold actions....i could use some advice.

[Mefree143]

Hello everyone! I'm a bit sad and bothered...obviously enough to seek reach out and advice.
Here is my situation...I appreciate any advice that can help me gain insight and peace of mind. Thank you.

I have been spending time with this great guy since February 10th of this year. I met him last year through mutual friend of ours. Anyway, our first time hanging out was so awesome, we sat and talked/laughed for about 6 hours at a restaurant, and there was an undeniable spark/ connection. The second time we hung out I met his sister and his friends, and he even kissed me and was holding me as if we had been dating for months! The third time weet at the beach, and I told him I wasn't looking for a relationship (so dumb) and that I wasn't going to have sex with him right away! He agreed with me, and we continued to have a great night! Well since then, there have been three instances where I've somehow expressed too much, and he tells me that he's not looking for a relationship, he doesn't want to label what we have, and he even said if I felt I wasn't getting what I needed I could date other people. He says we have a connection, and he could love me, but he's just not looking for that right now. 4 months before we started hanging out his fiancee broke things off with him. He didn't want it to end. :-( So I understand his heart may not be healed....but why does he spend every weekend with me? We had sex one time, when we went camping together. We've messed around a lot. I sleep over at his house, pretty much every time we hang out. We act like were together when were out, my friends like him, people tell us we look cute together...this last Saturday he even took me to his friends bday party and I met more of his friends! I don't know what to make of it.......does he really care, he's just scared? Do I have patience and wait for him? I'm at a loss....he is so worth waiting for to me....but he doesnt even want to define anything. It makes me really sad and confused. Please help! Any advice is helpful...I have only been on 2 serious relationships, the first was 5 years and the second 7, pretty much my entire 20's! And the last one left me pretty insecure.

Thank you guys. He told me if I'm fine with where we are now, then were good. He loves what we have, and our connection. He really does mean a lot to me...I just dont like the hurt I feel. Bis last text to me was

"Lets just relax and see where it goes".

[AdminOnline]

Hi Mefree143 and welcome to Love Forum - Online Relationship Discussion! Hope you enjoy your stay here.

[Kromat83]

McFree, this is from a guys perspective ... i think he likes what he has with you, but doesn't want to rush it ... and you've had sex once, that's all good, but the enjoy the moment you have with him ... is this what you want ?

you even said that you weren't looking for a relationship ... so are both of you committed ? it seems like a long few months, to still not be sure what you two have

[Mefree143]

McFree, this is from a guys perspective ... i think he likes what he has with you, but doesn't want to rush it ... and you've had sex once, that's all good, but the enjoy the moment you have with him ... is this what you want ?

you even said that you weren't looking for a relationship ... so are both of you committed ? it seems like a long few months, to still not be sure what you two have

I know it seems like it's been awhile to me too, but then again I am really new at the dating scene...sounds sad to admit out loud! lol Its going on 4 months now..maybe I am just being delusional, but when we are together we really do seem like a couple. Even his cousin was telling him, "I really, really like her!" We are not children, he is 33 and I just turned 32 in april..I feel like were a bit old to be this ambiguous..but then again, he was in a relationship for 4 years, that was not his choice to end. Could It be my own insecurities that are poising my mind? Why do I want to know where I stand with him so badly? He said he could love me, that I'm amazing..but he's just not looking for that right now. He doesn't even want to have sex with me, because he wants to keep things simple at the moment! But yet, we are together all the time. We laugh and laugh and are so silly...Ive never had this before with a romantic relationship! If i can even call it that..ugh! See how confused I am. :/ Thank you so much..what I REALLY want is a guys perspective/point of view. Hes very laid back and chill..this all came about yesterday after our great weekend, I asked him about a hair tie I found on his couch. I asked him if he's dating anyone else (Soo lame, it turned out to be his little sisters from when she came by to visit) He then proceeded to tell me he's not dating ANYONE, nor putting labels on what he is doing. He is simply enjoying what we have. Is he scared of being hurt again, or is it that his heart still aches from the loss of his fiancee? Any Gentleman reading this, please tell me, am i scaring him off? Be 100% honest in your feedback, I am at a total loss with guy emotions. <3

[Mefree143]

*Also, he says he respects me so much, and that if he didn't things would be way different between us. Huh? Is that why there is such a lack of sex? Because there was sooo much tension in the beginning! He was very passionate. We were going to have it this sat..but my monthly "Visitor" was in town. I wish I wasn't so confused...and now immensely embarrassed! I feel like Ive exposed too much to him.

[michelle23]

OP hes emotionally unavailable. he cares about you but you will just be a rebound coz hes not in a good place emotionally and is unable right now to truly fall for you.

its not his fault, hes not a bad person, he prob doesnt want to hurt you but he WILL unintentionally.

i suggest you let him go so he can grieve the loss and heal emotionally. if your both still single in 6months time then maybe you can start again but dont wait around for him hoping that will happen.

[smackie9]

Mefree143 what the hell are you doing? You want a relationship or not? If you do approach him on this. If he blows you off, cut this crap out and move on.

[Mefree143]

OP hes emotionally unavailable. he cares about you but you will just be a rebound coz hes not in a good place emotionally and is unable right now to truly fall for you.

its not his fault, hes not a bad person, he prob doesnt want to hurt you but he WILL unintentionally.

i suggest you let him go so he can grieve the loss and heal emotionally. if your both still single in 6months time then maybe you can start again but dont wait around for him hoping that will happen.

Thank you. No he is a great person. And he has been honest. I do need to back off..it's hard when he contacts me. I may be addicted to the good feelings he gives me. lol. He got us a little cruise for next weekend, just a small little booze cruise around the Newport harbor (we live in Southern California) But still really sweet. I should make myself a little more un available, obviously. *Sigh. Thanks Michelle

[Mefree143]

Smackie9, i don't f-ing know. LOL How screwed up am I?? ughh. My last relationship was controlling, unloving, demeaning, cold and frightening. I honestly hated the man. So I am in no rush to be "Tied down" again. But with this gentleman things are very different. He actually understands me.

[Mefree143]

Seriously, I LOVE ALL this feedback!!! Thank you guys soo much!!

[michelle23]

your welcome. all of this is a red flag so please dont ignore. wish him well, cut contact, cancel the cruise and be alone for awhile

right now you are just each others emotional tampons, your leaning on each other to help you both heal but it wont result in a healthy relationship. in order to be in a healthy relational with a solid foundation-you both need to be emotioally and mentally healthy when you meet.

you both need to heal and grow emotionally alone. go find yourself, your independence, do some soul searching, try to figure out why you stayed in a destructive relationship for so long and how you can prevent making the same mistakes again. learn to be happy on your own. then you will be ready to commit to someone

let him go-if your really good for each other, youll find your way back to each other maybe in 6months time. or you may meet someone even better for you

[Kaetey]

Hey,

I know exactly what you're talking about!

I know it's not what you want to hear but neither of you seems ready for a relationship. I know what an abusing man can do to your self-worth and if it's still not back up there then I guess it's too early to commit and subconsciously he can feel this. Having been hurt himself he needs a strong woman now - someone who is confident and does not get panicky when things are not 100% defined. Not sure you're there yet!?!

Take some time to love yourself again and the right one will come to you! I'm on the same path at the moment - it's hard but you'll get there! Good luck!

[Mefree143]

Thank you both so soo much!!! You really have helped me out tremendously. Well everyone who responded has! I appreciate the honesty immensely. :-) I needed an outside perspective...outside me, him, my friends...sometimes you just need to hear it from someone on the outside. You guys are great....I wish you all nothing but the best! Xo

[smackie9]

Let us know how things go!

[michelle23]

best of luck