He said that he doesn't love me as much as I love him

[racergirl]

My boyfriend and I have been together 11 months. We get along awesomely. Everyone said that we get along so well and that we were the perfect couple. His neighbors went out of their way to tell me how great we were together and they'd never seen him happier. He and I had so many good times and so much in common. We'd finish sentences and well, it was like we were old souls. He was always affectionate with me. We connected on every single level, sex was great, everything perfect. I met his family, he met mine and would come over to my parent's for dinner every Sunday. I am 35 and live alone and he's 37 and lives alone. He's getting his life on track, he had lost his job, he went back to school and is on the right path.
Everything was perfect. Wednesday we had a normal day together for us.

Last night I was a little suspicious about why he had deleted a pic of us on facebook and started to wonder why he had cancelled two family events. So I confronted him and he had reasonable explanations. The fb thing was a total accident and he had cancelled two events one because his father was recovering from surgery and he wanted to hang with him while his family went out. The other thing was he had wanted to hang out with his cousin and his cousin's kids after his cousin had finally gotten them for the weekend. They are extremely close. I asked if he was unhappy and he said no. Then he said that he was nervous and scared about it and that he thought we got serious too soon. I asked him why he thought that and he said he just felt that way. He said that he loved me and everything about me and hanging out with me but he didn't love me as much as he thought I loved him. I was completely blindsided. He said that he wasn't sure about things and he didn't want to hurt me. I point blankly asked him three times if he wanted to break up with me and he said no. All three times. I asked if there was someone else and he said no. He said he hasn't even looked at other girls. Long story short, we agreed to take a break from things so he and I could think about things. We were supposed to go to a wedding tomorrow and now we aren't. A little background: he is divorced from his first wife, they were married six years, he's been divorced for 4. I haven't spoken to him nor have I heard from him. I love him with everything I have. Everyone is saying that he got cold feet about the relationship. I feel that may be the case but I am also wondering what happened in a day that everything went wrong.
I asked him also when we had this discussion if he was ever going to say anything about how he felt about things and he said yes. I don't get it, he did almost a complete 180 on me. I'm crushed to say the least. I almost feel like calling him and breaking up with him to end it. But on the other hand, I love him and I don't want to trash a good thing based on one conversation and one doubt. Any thoughts?

[UnderTheMoon]

It really sounds like he does have cold feet. While you both are taking a break consider your own feelings and I really mean think deeply about how you feel. Everyone gets nervous, we panic and do the unthinkable and sometimes things work out, and other times it doesn't. It really seems like he is backing off because of what he has already been through and maybe you two really did get serious too quickly. It happens, so take this time to mend yourself and strengthen yourself because you don't know yet what he may do but be prepared, I don't think it will end badly though. I think he just needs some time. Sounds like he has had to deal with a lot in his life already. Nothing wrong with taking time to make sure you know how you truly feel. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. So don't rush into breaking it off, you could end up hurting yourself and him for no reason, I know your upset and should be, but just take a deep breath and let it take its course. I hope things work out for both of you.

[michelle23]

not even a year in and he has cold feet. Id see that as the beginning of the end. Sorry I know thats not what you want to hear but it sounds like the honeymoon period has faded, his eyes are wide open and he is thinking you are not good together for one reason or another. It may seem like a 180 for you, but he could have these doubts for 6 months. You cant read his mind.

I had doubts about my relationship last year, my bf ignored them-put it down to me grieving and just hoped for the best. It worked, I got over the doubts on my own without him doing anything, without taking a break etc and we are happier than ever now. Were together 5 years though so its different but sometimes in these situations-it may be better to do nothing for a few weeks

[racergirl]

I slept on things and feel a little differently. I do miss him. I don't want to break up with him and I think we need some more time. I was considering reaching out to him today but I sort of think it may be too soon and my wounds are still kind of open. We have never fought so maybe this is why its so difficult. I think we were right to confront the issue. That's how he felt and I needed to know that. He knows how I feel, that I am dumbfounded but I also told him when we were parting ways the other night that we would find a way to work things out. Im going to give it another couple of days, the only thing is that we do play on the same softball team and we have a game on Wednesday so I am not sure what to do. He had mentioned to me on Thursday that while he loved me, he wasn't sure if he was in love with me and that while he was married to his ex he didn't even love her. Which I don't understand.

Maybe the honeymoon period is over and he doesn't want this. I kind of think that if that was the case we would have broken up. As I wrote in my first post I gave him three opportunities and he said no each time.

Thanks for the advice : )

[michelle23]

Its possible that he thinks love is infatuation (the honeymoon period) and once that wears off he gets confused coz hes not sure what love is supposed to feel like. if that is the problem then he needs to figure that out on his own. You cant do that for him.

however, it is important to bear in mind-when people say "I love you but im not in love with you" it normally means there IS someone else and they are having all those new infatuation feelings again.

Dont chase him. Dont make the first move. If he wants you-he knows where you are. Id give it a week and if you hear nothing then move on. Also go to softball on Wednesday. All you have to do is say hello and then ignore him unless he talks to you

[Valixy]

People have different emotional make-up and deal with things differently. I think that you should allow him to withdraw if that's what he needs for some time, maybe he just needs to get in contact with his feelings and think about things. Don't put pressure on him, don't ask more questions but don't give the impression that your life has stopped right now and all you do is waiting for him. Do happy things for yourself, look confident and just give it some time. If he is the right one for you, he'll look for you.

[TablesandChairs]

I wouldn't be making the first move; he's the one who wanted the break and so he's the one who should contact you next. The fact that he didn't love his ex wife either is a concern; seems like a bit of a habit.

I think you'd be wise to protect your own feelings somewhat - hope for the best but be prepared for otherwise.

[UnderTheMoon]

I'm glad you slept on it. Definitely go to your game and put on your best self. Don't swoon over him whatever you do just be happy, and have fun, laugh a lot, be friendly and just go. I am sure that when he sees you being the way you probably were when you both first met, maybe he will be reminded why he loves you. Don't talk about what happened and just move forward. I am sure this will benefit you. Being this way I found seems to work because I have had this problem myself. Granted the guy I was with when he did this to me, is no longer in my life, but that came later and at my own choosing not his. Good luck and don't get down about it! Just be charming as ever!

[fearoflove]

He isn't in love with you and you are falling for him way too fast. Guys need space and uncertainty to fall in love. Maybe you are doing too much for him or giving your commitment to him without him earning it.

Tell him that you are not sure about your feelings about him either now considering what he told you. Then, give him some distance. Start having a social life of your own and have your own events to attend to.

[HeartIsAching]

however, it is important to bear in mind-when people say "I love you but im not in love with you" it normally means there IS someone else and they are having all those new infatuation feelings again.

Dont chase him. Dont make the first move. If he wants you-he knows where you are. Id give it a week and if you hear nothing then move on. Also go to softball on Wednesday. All you have to do is say hello and then ignore him unless he talks to you

Michelle's obsessed with cheating, pay no attention to that - "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" does NOT normally mean there's someone else.

However it does mean that someone's confused love and infatuation (as she said) and once the butterflies in their stomach go away, they think it's over.

The rest of her advice is good, too.

[basilandthyme]

Michelle's obsessed with cheating, pay no attention to that - "I love you, but I'm not in love with you" does NOT normally mean there's someone else.

However it does mean that someone's confused love and infatuation (as she said) and once the butterflies in their stomach go away, they think it's over.

I'm going to give yet a different definition of what it could mean. When I said that to my ex-h, I meant that I love him like I would love a friend - but not how I should love a partner.

[searock]

I'm going to give yet a different definition of what it could mean. When I said that to my ex-h, I meant that I love him like I would love a friend - but not how I should love a partner.

I felt the same way about my ex boyfriend.

I don't understand why some people think that saying "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is a lame excuse... most of the times it is precisely what happens and what leads a person to leave their partner.

[W.E]

He's getting his life on track, he had lost his job, he went back to school and is on the right path.

This is why.

He is a man. He has been through a busted relationship already. He wants to make sure that he has his crap together before he gets serious with you, for your sake. Guys need certain things in place before they feel comfortable committing, especially if they have been down that road before. It is not cold feet. It's a guy thing that is actually a sign of maturity. Be patient. The best thing you can do for him at this point is to accept him as he is. The fact is, he feels less of a man because his life is not fully together and he's been divorced. He is afraid you will reject him, so he is taking things slowly while he builds himself back up. If you move away from him, you'll lose him.

[fearoflove]

This is why.

He is a man. He has been through a busted relationship already. He wants to make sure that he has his crap together before he gets serious with you, for your sake. Guys need certain things in place before they feel comfortable committing, especially if they have been down that road before. It is not cold feet. It's a guy thing that is actually a sign of maturity. Be patient. The best thing you can do for him at this point is to accept him as he is. The fact is, he feels less of a man because his life is not fully together and he's been divorced. He is afraid you will reject him, so he is taking things slowly while he builds himself back up. If you move away from him, you'll lose him.

If this is the case, he would make it clear this is why he doesn't want to commit yet. But he is telling her he doesn't love her as much as she loves him which is basically saying she is coming on too strong.

[racergirl]

I'll give you guys an update. I spoke with him last night he reached out to me the day before. He sounded despondent and depressed. Couldn't talk. I asked him what he wanted to talk about and he said I don't know. I'm not going to play some game with him...don't contact him, don't do this or that. While it is good advice, I feel every relationship is different. We are getting together to talk tonight. I have a feeling it will end in a break up but I did all I could. I can't and I won't deny my feelings and play a game with him. We're adults. I also have a suspicion that he's using drugs again (he was in recovery from roxy's for a year) which while it might explain things, it doesn't excuse things.