Boyfriend made a new friend...

[Chillabilla]

Ok I feel silly putting this question here but my boyfriend of 5 years keeps texting our downstairs neighbor all the time. They have even hung out a few times, and he usually plans to go down there at night to sit on their porch and stuff. I have gone a couple times to hang out as well, but i dont feel very welcome so i stopped. This is driving me insane! We had a pretty serious talk about it and he said I have nothing to worry about and I believe him, but right after this whole emotional confrontation he kept right on texting her and apologizing for not hanging out that night.

I don't think he will cheat on me, but is it rational for me to feel a certain way about them texting 24/7 almost?

I can tell my feelings about the situation are putting a wedge between us a little.

I really don't dislike the girl, she's very nice, I just wish the circumstances were different.

How would most people react in this situation, or is it best just to not react at all?

[michelle23]

Its called an emotional affair OP. he has feelings for her. He could be lying to himself delusional pretending its all "innocent" and hes "not doing anything wrong" coz hes not "physically cheating" but hes acting like hes dating another girl, treating her the same way he treated you when you first met so yes it is wrong.

You could first give him a choice-an ultimatum "me or her". if he refuses then the only way to stop this is to follow it up with actions and to move out. Shift the focus off her onto you. show him that he will lose you if he doesn't stop this silly crush now. He needs to know that he is risking everything by getting all pally pally with another woman and you wont tolerate it. Then youll have to wait until he cuts all contact with her and literally begs you to come back and then only go back on the condition that you get relationship counselling.

Dont think he wont cheat? He very easily could. These situations never end well for anyone involved. Id leave now before it gets worse.

if it were me in your shoes, id leave and never come back coz he has crossed a line already and I consider emotional affairs cheating but it is your decision.

You have already told him you are not happy about this but nothing has changed and nothing will change until you take action and do something about it

[Chillabilla]

Thanks for the advice. The whole situation is a tough pill to swallow.

[michelle23]

heres some info on emotional affairs. This one is written in the female perspective but it works both ways and shows how it can damage a relationship and change the way your partner looks at you. http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/advice/emotional-affair-ll-2

heres another one: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Emotional-Affairs-Recognizing-and-Coping-With-Emotional-Infidelity

basically he is trying to escape from reality and instead of trying to deal with whatever he is escaping from-he is using her as a distraction. Hes infatuated and the damage could already be too big to erase. Especially if he has already started wondering if shed be better for him than you

[michelle23]

Thanks for the advice. The whole situation is a touch pill to swallow.

I know its tough. Something like this can turn your whole world upside down but Id see this as a sign that hes not the right one for you. Id see it as a warning sign, a red flag that there is someone better out there for YOU.

Some couples can work through this though and get past it but only if she is literally erased from his life and he realizes what a fool he has been and understands that she is just a fantasy and the reality with her would be much different to the fairytale ending he has likely created in his mind.

But he has to realize that on his own and the only way for him to do that is to lose you.

We saw the exact same situation here before a few weeks ago. In the end he admitted to having feelings for the other woman, begged his gf not to leave but refused to end the "friendship". This type of affair is addictive and he really does need to learn a lesson here

[Chillabilla]

We saw the exact same situation here before a few weeks ago. In the end he admitted to having feelings for the other woman, begged his gf not to leave but refused to end the "friendship". This type of affair is addictive and he really does need to learn a lesson here

Whatever came about of him refusing to end the friendship? I assume the relationship ended. The first time I voiced my concerns about this issue to him he asked me "do you want me to stop talking to her completely?" and I said I wouldn't ask you to do that(for fear of resentment). But as the situation goes on I've realised that I am not happy with this, and it either needs to end or I will have to leave.

It's hard to come to terms with the fact that I may have to leave, we moved to a new city together about 6 months ago and everything was great until this.

[michelle23]

I don't know. That girl didn't come back to tell us how the story ended. She was devastated though so my guess it they broke up.

I think you should search the web. Find an article that makes sense to you and show it to him. Ask him to read it and tell him you think he is having an emotional affair with this girl and see what he says. Explain to him that he is treating her the same way he treated you when you first met. Ask him does he have feelings for her? And in the end tell him he has to make a choice-its you or her and if he chooses you-you need to ask for relationship counselling.

Also tell him you are moving into the spare room for now, you both need some space and need to figure out what went wrong. tell him you are hurt and you do not approve of his new best friend who he is treating like a girlfriend. Tell him to think about everything, find answers and to come back to you to talk when he knows why this has happened and what is going on in his head.

[UnderTheMoon]

Ok I feel silly putting this question here but my boyfriend of 5 years keeps texting our downstairs neighbor all the time. They have even hung out a few times, and he usually plans to go down there at night to sit on their porch and stuff. I have gone a couple times to hang out as well, but i dont feel very welcome so i stopped. This is driving me insane! We had a pretty serious talk about it and he said I have nothing to worry about and I believe him, but right after this whole emotional confrontation he kept right on texting her and apologizing for not hanging out that night.

I don't think he will cheat on me, but is it rational for me to feel a certain way about them texting 24/7 almost?

I can tell my feelings about the situation are putting a wedge between us a little.

I really don't dislike the girl, she's very nice, I just wish the circumstances were different.

How would most people react in this situation, or is it best just to not react at all?

Well let me say this, you should have told him you didn't want him talking to her. In fact I would have told him if he wanted her so bad, move in down there and leave you be since he can't quit talking to her via text. I would have been insulted at him apologizing to a woman that should mean nothing. I would have been so damn angry if I were you, because you know what it is just wrong. You are being played emotionally, by him and her. So the question is, do you stick around and get physically cheated on? Or do you go now while it is still the emotional sting? You are obviously a very nice woman, who hopes for the best but don't let someone trample over your heart and emotions. You are better than that, it is time you held your head high and you told him more or less to piss off. If and when he gets defensive about it, you tell her the same cause I get the funniest feeling he will have her tell you nothing is wrong. That is when you tell that girl who is playing games with your bf, that she can shove it, and watch him get defensive when you tell her off in a "nice" way. You deserve better than this child like behavior. Set the standard and the ultimatum, this is your emotional well being on the line. Take control. I bet you haven't even seen all the texts yet, or even bothered to hover down there and listen in. Some would call this spying and an invasion of privacy, but guess what, the invasion started in on you when this happened. If he says one negative thing to you, its already over. Take all this advice and use it. You will get the truth one way or another.

[michelle23]

i agree that you should read his texts and if he gets defensive or angry when you confront him about this-it is already over.

emotional affairs are delusional and a person having one vould completely change over night.

its important that you dont go into denial now. dont ignore this-its a huge red flag and you need to act fast.

id pack my bags when hes not there and leave with no warning, turn off my phone for 48 hours and disappeear. leave the prick sweat and panick for awhile. then send him a text saying "have a nice life with your new gf, goodbye"

[Wakeup]

I think you should just move out and let them have one another. He's probably getting a leg over when you're asleep anyway. If you're not going to do that then at least tell him his behaviour is inappropriate for someone in a live-in relationship and if he doesn't outright tell her that he's not hanging with her anymore because it is inappropriate and disrespectful to you, and then agree to move to a new place with you, then you're basically just telling him in actions that you're okay with the shit they're pulling.

He doesn't even know you're freaking out. Make him aware.

... and, whats this not going down there anymore because you "don't feel welcome?" You're giving him permission again to go down there without you. Did you tell him she makes you feel unwelcome? Did you discuss anything with him to the point where he understood where you're coming from?

[michelle23]

just be aware OP that he could very well be physically cheating. a man was here a few weeks ago saying his gf had an EA 2years ago-swore nothing else happened. fast forward 2 years and 2kids later-he finds out that she slept with him-the other bloke

im not saying EA's always lead to physical cheating but id bet 99% lead to an unhappy relationship which eventually ends as a result of it so theres no point dragging it out.

id just end it now and move on with my life

[UnderTheMoon]

I just... I wont say I feel bad for you, this isn't about pity. I look at this and I feel my pride as a woman come out and I WISH, how I wish I could step in and do it for you so you wouldn't have to feel bad at all. This guy needs a rude awakening. You need to get angry, get angry and walk out and more or less say KISS MY ****ING ASS YOU DOUCHEBAG! You sound like such a nice woman, with a good heart and willing to love and you don't need this cunt mother****er ruining your life. If he HAS ANY sense whatsoever, he will recognize your leaving, and leave the EA behind. YOU ARE BETTER than all that mess. I know this is really pushy and I apologize, but if you can't tell, I have been there and done it. IT is worse to just leave it be. It can become EXTREMELY devastating. Be better than that. PLEASE be better than that. YOU ARE better than this mess!

[UnderTheMoon]

i agree that you should read his texts and if he gets defensive or angry when you confront him about this-it is already over.

emotional affairs are delusional and a person having one vould completely change over night.

its important that you dont go into denial now. dont ignore this-its a huge red flag and you need to act fast.

id pack my bags when hes not there and leave with no warning, turn off my phone for 48 hours and disappeear. leave the prick sweat and panick for awhile. then send him a text saying "have a nice life with your new gf, goodbye"

I think, if we were friends in real life, all men would hate us as a duo. Sweet baby jesus they would hate us. Straight to the point and **** all the bullshit. Go girl.

[michelle23]

I think, if we were friends in real life, all men would hate us as a duo. Sweet baby jesus they would hate us. Straight to the point and **** all the bullshit. Go girl.

the joys of beinga feminist. we go girl. any prick to mess with us willl get a rude awakening. its called SELF RESPECT. really admire you girl. we have a lot in common. finaliy a biatch like me who aint a doormat. we rock

people will treat you the way you allow them to. and with your attitude and high srlf esteem - youll attract the right kinda man. a modern man who redpects you as his equal xx

[Am I crazy?]

Most the "feminists" that I have crossed paths with started out just like you, thinking they had it all figured out and in relationships with men that they could keep under their thumbs. Eventually the men got tired of their crap and left and the "feminists" got angry, couldn't find other men to put up with them, began hating men, cut their hair short, began wearing fanny packs, and swore off men in general and became angry lesbians with other disgruntled "feminists". The above post reads like the first step in the process, lol!