I need to leave my BF and I am terrified...

[Maple1714]

My boyfriend and I have been together for about 3 years. We have a 2yr old child together. He wants to marry me, but I am having the opposite feelings. I am not being a good girlfriend to him...I just think he deserves someone who is head over heels in love with him and I am not that person. I love him and think he is an amazing person...but that spark is not there. I'm scared to break up our family and I'm scared to be a single mom. I'm scared b/c of money reasons and I don't want to hurt him and our extended families. He feels that I am pulling away. I have found myself thinking about other men and wondering what it would be like to date? I'm scared b/c what if I am wrong? What if I leave my BF and father of my child, only to realize that it was a huge mistake?

I read a quote the other day and it said "The grass is greener on the other side b/c it's fertilized with Bullsh**t".

How will this affect our child? She loves us being together...should I suck it up and wait until she is older? My life is a mess...I am depressed...this sucks. I just want to be happy and I feel like me breaking up our family is the ultimate selfish act. I feel guilty for having these thoughts, after all I did make the decision to have a child with this man. It wasn't planned, but we agreed to try to make things work. My heart is not in it. I need some serious advice.

[basilandthyme]

Maple, you have a kid together - of course the spark has gone. It's never going to be like it was in those heady first six months.

Now, before you bust up your daughter's family, give us some decent reasons for wanting to end it.

[smackie9]

You need to communicate this to your BF. He needs to know what is going on with you....I also suggest that you two should go to couples counseling. There you two can work out what direction to go, and how to deal with things afterwards. Stop being so afraid to open your mouth.....it will not solve itself if you say nothing. So what if it's hurtfull....you have to feel the hurt before you can heal.

[Maple1714]

The main reason is b/c I feel restless.

I have never really been single in my adult life...I have never been single since I was 18. I feel trapped by the relationship. I gained confidence in myself after becoming a mother that I never had before. I trust myself more. I feel now that the world is full of endless possibilities. My BF is insecure about our relationship, prob. b/c he senses I am pulling away AND b/c this is his first serious relationship. He moved from his moms house into mine. This has created a crappy dynamic btw us. I feel that he is holding me back, and I am beginning to resent him for it. I feel like if I stay with him my pure self with be lost. For example, he doesn't want me to spend my free time on my art...which has been selling! He doesn't want me to visit my aunt 3hrs away with our daughter by ourselves...or go to my good friends wedding without him b/c we can't afford for us both to go. He wont give me the breathing room that I need in a relationship to be myself. I want to be free of the confines of a relationship. We argue and I tell him ALL of this. I tell him it's so hard for me to be in this relationship, like we are married...I love our child, but I fear I am not in love with him. I am at a point where I don't think I know what love is. I don't think I have found it, and I don't think I am mature enough to essentially be "married". He has put so much pressure on me...telling me that I am his whole world and best friend. I remember feeling that way when I was 18 and in my first serious relationship. I just fear that if I stay with him that I am settling for what I think is safe and expected of me by society, friends and family.

In an ideal world (one which will never exist) he and I are just roommates...good friends who share the monetary and parenting responsibilities of a child, but are not in a romantic relationship with each other.

[Wakeup]

Yes you really have to figure out a way to tell him, ask him, how the two of you can work to get the spark back. You have a child together and it's extremely important that the two of you don't forget that you were once an exciting couple prior to the baby coming along and that you need to take time away from your 2year old to spend quality time together.

We planned weekends away often when our daughter was a baby and a toddler, we both love music so we bought tickets to see every group we always loved, we did and still do date overnighters. We mustn't give up our wants and interests because our children come along. Get a trusted baby sitter and book an over-nighter. Tell your bf you both need a romantic weekend/overnighter away and ask your mother or his to watch your baby. Help yourself to get back the lust you're craving with the man who is right in front of you. A man who treats you well and you know you can trust to have your back and is taking care of your heart.

[Maple1714]

You need to communicate this to your BF. He needs to know what is going on with you....I also suggest that you two should go to couples counseling. There you two can work out what direction to go, and how to deal with things afterwards. Stop being so afraid to open your mouth.....it will not solve itself if you say nothing. So what if it's hurtfull....you have to feel the hurt before you can heal.

I have told him how I feel...we have fights about, we have talked about, and I have even broken up with him a few times. But, he doesn't take me seriously...and refuses counseling. It's like when you try to set a caged bird free...or set an animal free back into the wild and they wont go...they just stare at you helpless.

[VincenzoG91]

You can chase butterflies your whole life, but that will ultimately lead to isolation instead of a lasting relationship. Maybe you shouldn't have had a kid so quickly with this guy, but you did it, and now you need to take that responsibility seriously. If the relationship is bad, don't stay together for the sake of your child. But if the relationship is basically good (though maybe not filled with Hollywood glamour), then you should nurture that relationship instead of creating unnecessary drama.

EDIT: I can't tell from your posts which is the right way to go. He sounds too controlling, but you seem too random. It was probably one of those opposites-attract situations, but the two of you had a kid together. No matter what you decide, this guy is going to remain a part of your life to some degree for another 16 years at the minimum.

[Wakeup]

The main reason is b/c I feel restless.

I have never really been single in my adult life...I have never been single since I was 18. I feel trapped by the relationship. I gained confidence in myself after becoming a mother that I never had before. I trust myself more. I feel now that the world is full of endless possibilities. My BF is insecure about our relationship, prob. b/c he senses I am pulling away AND b/c this is his first serious relationship. He moved from his moms house into mine. This has created a crappy dynamic btw us. I feel that he is holding me back, and I am beginning to resent him for it. I feel like if I stay with him my pure self with be lost. For example, he doesn't want me to spend my free time on my art...which has been selling! He doesn't want me to visit my aunt 3hrs away with our daughter by ourselves...or go to my good friends wedding without him b/c we can't afford for us both to go. He wont give me the breathing room that I need in a relationship to be myself. I want to be free of the confines of a relationship. We argue and I tell him ALL of this. I tell him it's so had for me to be in this relationship, like we are married...I love our child but I am not in love with him. I am at a point where I don't think I know what love it yet. I don't think I have found it, and I don't think I am mature enough to be essentially "married". He has put so much pressure on me...telling me that I am his whole world and best friend. I remember feeling that way...when I was 18 and in my first serious relationship. I just fear that if I stay with him that I am settling for what I think is safe and expected of me by society, friends and family.

In an ideal world (one which will never exist) he and I are just roommates...good friends who share the monetary and parenting responsibilities of a child, but are not in a romantic relationship with each other.

If you've given up then its over. If you have no desire to work at your relationship with him then you might as well leave. I suggest since you're so afraid to do that, that you get some personal therapy to help you get the strength you need to either help fix this union or help end it. You're going to end up straying either physically or emotionally if you don't work on yourself.

[Maple1714]

If you've given up then its over. If you have no desire to work at your relationship with him then you might as well leave. I suggest since you're so afraid to do that, that you get some personal therapy to help you get the strength you need to either help fix this union or help end it. You're going to end up straying either physically or emotionally if you don't work on yourself.

You are all right...I do need to finally go seek some professional help for myself. Then, I think we both need to go talk to someone together. I have already strayed emotionally (I know I know)...but I don't want them either. I feel like a silly woman and a hypocrite. I am tired of feeling this way. He is a good man, and I am scared b/c I know what else is out there...and he is one of the good ones who will get scooped up quickly by someone else.

Getting to know his family more has also been turning me off. His father is a 56 yr old going on 17. He wants to move to where we live...he drives me crazy to be around him. If my BF grows up to be anything like his father I wont be able to handle it.

[Maple1714]

You can chase butterflies your whole life, but that will ultimately lead to isolation instead of a lasting relationship. Maybe you shouldn't have had a kid so quickly with this guy, but you did it, and now you need to take that responsibility seriously. If the relationship is bad, don't stay together for the sake of your child. But if the relationship is basically good (though maybe not filled with Hollywood glamour), then you should nurture that relationship instead of creating unnecessary drama.

EDIT: I can't tell from your posts which is the right way to go. He sounds too controlling, but you seem too random. It was probably one of those opposites-attract situations, but the two of you had a kid together. No matter what you decide, this guy is going to remain a part of your life to some degree for another 16 years at the minimum.

I should have told him that I was having our child on my own, and that I wasn't in the right head space to enter into a marriage type relationship with him yet. But, I was scared and this is where we are. My family wasn't being supportive at the time and I felt very alone. I had an abortion when I was younger, which my parents don't know about, so I wasn't going to ever do that again...which is what they were suggesting at the time. I did what I thought was best instead of trusting myself...b/c I knew then that my heart wasn't fully in it. It's like we are in an arranged marriage and I keep trying to find the love. I think he loves me b/c he is so dependent upon me.

[Am I crazy?]

you can shoulda, coulda, woulda, all day long. You have a tough choice. Maybe this guy is not the one for you, maybe he is? You need to decide how much collateral damage you are willing to inflict to find out. Kids are important and should always come first in your life but if you are not happy sooner or later as they get older they will notice. Sometimes doing what's best for the kids is also what is nest for you, sometimes its the other way around. I cant tell you what to do, only you can answer that question but if you don't feel the situation is right for you then you have some thinking to do to decide what you want to have and where you want to be.

[Valixy]

Is there a feeling you had for him and lost or a feeling you never had? You can learn to love someone, especially if that person deserves it, but in order to be able to do that you need to understand that the way you picture your life without him is not the way it would be if you left. Not to mention that there are many men out there that you could madly fall in love with and vice versa but little chances are any of them would be able to totally love your daughter and your position as a mother, and this is a very important part of who you are now. You wouldn't even feel all that free and happy as you think you would if you left, and your new external circumstances would surprise you many times and in many ways too.

Your heart is not free for him, maybe it never was, that is why you cannot love him. Only if you could renounce to all these wishes that come against it (many of them would never actually realise, because that's just how life is), only then your heart would be free and you could start loving him.

Someone I know met a wonderful man once. She knew that in order to be able to love him they had to leave from where they were - there were too many memories of an unfufilled and lost previous love for her there. Can you think of any possible changes in your lives that could make your heart open totally to him?

[smackie9]

I have told him how I feel...we have fights about, we have talked about, and I have even broken up with him a few times. But, he doesn't take me seriously...and refuses counseling. It's like when you try to set a caged bird free...or set an animal free back into the wild and they wont go...they just stare at you helpless.

Then you pack your shit up and move out. I'm sure you can call on a relative or a friend to lend you a hand. His problems don't have to be yours. It sounds to me you have exhausted all your energy trying to make this work. Be free and he can go running to his mommy. Shift his issues onto her....she was the one who raised him, she can fix his mess.

[stev123]

I have nothing against you, but don't start a family with someone and then say I need to leave. Get a grip, what are you gonna do? go out and get some new cock then find out how much of an impact you've made on your daughters life? This is why you don't have kids one year in a relationship - but this is your own decision and you must stick by it.

[Maple1714]

I have nothing against you, but don't start a family with someone and then say I need to leave. Get a grip, what are you gonna do? go out and get some new cock then find out how much of an impact you've made on your daughters life? This is why you don't have kids one year in a relationship - but this is your own decision and you must stick by it.

Shit, I didn't know you made the rules of life? This isn't about new penis... I certainly don't have to leave my relationship to get that. It's not about anything else but me trying to figure out if this is the man I should marry and spend my life with. People split up all the time and I would rather be a happy, strong mother to my child, then a hypocrite who stays in a tension filled relationship that causes me to be distracted from my child. How old are you? Why am I even responding to you?

I will write more tomorrow in response to the others.