Relationship Woes -- Need Guidance

[DustInTheWind]

My s/o other and I met online back in November of 2004 but we didn’t become committed and/or exclusive until just three months ago. Initially, I was very apprehensive and had a lot of reservation about our long distance relationship. He’s from Liberia, Africa (but originally from the United States) and I’m in Hawaii. He assured me that we’ll be okay and I thought it only makes sense to give our relationship a try. We corresponded daily via instant messaging, emails or phone conversations. There wasn’t a day gone by that we weren’t in touch through those channels of communication. Things were going great, we never had any arguments or disagreements. Everything was so perfect it almost didn’t seem real.

So now I haven’t spoken to him in a week not because we disputed or quarreled. He’s currently visiting his three children in CA as I’m writing this. He had visited me for the first time the prior week to celebrate my birthday. He wooed me, wined and dined me and I received expensive birthday gifts from him. The whole ten days that we were together, he took care of all accommodations and wouldn’t let me contribute anything as he knew I’m a struggling student. We had a wonderful time together. We learned good and bad things about one another, even each other’s annoying habits we have that didn’t know before. Again, things were blissful.

But since he left to CA, I received no phone calls but only a few short emails here and there to inform me he is busy out and about with his children and does not have access to the net. I have no way of contacting him while he’s in CA except through the net and since Friday, he hasn‘t returned any of my emails that I sent him. I’m trying to stay and remain optimistic and that maybe he is out and about enjoying his time with his children and perhaps he really doesn’t have access to the net as readily as he would like. However, something strikes me as odd that he still carries in his wallet a picture of him with his ex-girlfriend and three children.

All these scenarios are running through my mind and they make me seem insecure (as I mentioned above, I want to stay positive) and I’m beginning to think the worst. I’ve emailed him to voice my concerns but so far no responses from him. Another thought I had was that maybe he changed his mind about us and he wants to writhe his way out of my life silently hoping that I would get the message. I really don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to sit here and wait for his calls or emails. Perhaps I just need closure if he doesn’t want our relationship to progress any further.

Comments, suggestions even criticisms are welcome.

[Asip4u]

DustInTheWind,

Give it more time and don't jump to conclusions yet. Maybe he really is busy and can't keep in touch as often as he'd like. You guys are still early into this relationship so don't expect too much. If he does want out, you will know soon enough and so be prepared to move on with your life.

[DustInTheWind]

Asip4u,

Thank you for responding.

I know I should be patient and patient is all I have but I'd also like to know if he's doing okay or I worry if something bad happened to him that I don't know of. You can't help but wonder, you know?

I have a bad feeling about the ex-girlfriend and ex-wife. He told me previously on his trip to visit me that both of his exes have become good friends and they live within miles of each other. One thing I forgot to mention is that he fathered a little girl with his ex-girlfriend that I wasn't aware of prior to our meeting (I didn't mind that as I know I have also kept certain dark secrets about me from him too but eventually they all surfaced). He had shown another picture to me and it was a picture of his ex-girlfriend, ex-wife and his four children all together in one photo.

I can't help it but think that maybe he's still married and in a polygamous marriage hence the photo and no phone calls or emails since he left for CA.

Oh no, I'm really thinking too deep now.

[shh!]

Hi, Dusty - Can I give you another opinion? Assuming you are a student of a traditional age, I don't see why you ought to be saddling yourself with someone who has this much baggage. The whole kid/ex-wife stuff is really MUCH more than you are probably bargaining for, even without this added dimension of possible polygamy. I'd really suggest you leave this sort of complexity for older women (who come with their own baggage) and enjoy your youth! There are lots of very nice guys out there with fewer complications.

[DustInTheWind]

shh,

Hi! I wish I can take my back my youth but unfortunately I can't. I am 35, have been married before and the proud mother of two teenage children and so I do have my own baggage as well. I don't mind that he has children or that he still has good rapport with the exes. I just wish he would let me know if he's fine and that he's missing me just as I am missing him. So his silence led me to believe the unthinkable.

But you know what? I have decided that I'm not going to sit and wait for the phone to ring or a message in my inbox. Perhaps he felt sympathy for me and just wanted to pamper me since money is nothing to him. So now he thinks his mission is done. Though I'll have to admit that when he left, he took a good part of me with him which is why I need so badly closure if he changed his mind about us.

[shh!]

Yeah - it seems as if he could have slipped a phone call in there if he was thinking about you... I'm sorry, but it doesn't look promising. Did I understand you to say that you have only spent those 10 days with him in person? Because I don't consider internet realtionships "real" (even though they can feel that way). If you look at it from that point of view, you might consider that you have invested too much of yourself in what amounts to a very short-term relationship. Just something to consider. Oh - and congratulations on returning to school. :-)

[whaywardj]

Wait a minute. What do you mean by 'closure', Dust? Somebody relocating to Hawaii/Liberia and starting over together, or what? Whatever closure means to you, how realistic of a possibility is it? When?

[DustInTheWind]

Shh!,

Thank you. I decided to go back to school after I realized that what I was previously doing wasn’t what I want to do for the rest of my life. Starting school all over again at my age is quite a challenge but I will hang in there.

You are correct that I only spent ten days with him for the first time. If you read, I was very hesitant at first but he won me over with his persistence. Thinking back now, everything about him was too good to be true. He made promises which I thought were really unrealistic (i.e., he will love me like no other man has ever loved me). Even before I can reciprocate his romantic gestures, I asked him how much he really loved me. This was his response, “On a clear night, go sit out in the balcony and count the stars, if you can’t count them all then I love you that much.” Corny! Consider all things now, I can’t believe I was enough a fool to even believe and buy this kind of crap from him! I just bet that once he returns to Africa, he’ll start ringing me up like crazy again because he doesn‘t have the ex-wife/girlfriend breathing behind his neck.

Whay,

To simply put it, I met a man online (I‘m from Hawaii, he‘s from Liberia but he’s currently visiting families in CA), we become exclusive, he visited for the first time, spent a lot of money on me, he flew to CA to spend a few weeks with his children and I never heard from him again.

[shh!]

Yeah - I'm a non-traditional student, too... pretty much the same story as you - my kids are getting older now, so I'm back in school, too. I am doing prerequisites for an RN program...

The more you write about the guy, the more like a player he sounds. Lose him! You can do better, can't you?

[whaywardj]

My mistake Dust. I misunderstood what you meant by closure. I thought you meant closure in the relationship. You meant closure OF it. I think you pretty much said it yourself: "...never heard from him again." Doesn't sound real promising.

A lady once threw me over for a guy who did pretty much the same thing -- wowed! her. Over the ensuing weeks, she starts sending me apologetic phone messages and emails saying how sorry she was, but she fell in love, didn't mean to, she never met anyone like him before, they're planning on getting married, please try to understand, etc. Four months later, it's over. Ended when his company transferred him cross country. Now she says she felt used.

Could be.

[DustInTheWind]

shh!,

I'm so glad to have met you here. It seems you and I have a lot in common. I'm also trying to pursue a second career in the medical field as well. Where are you from, if you don't mind my asking?

Yah, I think he's just toying with my heart. I really thought he could be the one to prove me wrong about my thinking men being cold-hearted and jerks. Well, guess what, I'm played again by the biggest one of them all. He's the last straw that broke this camel's back.

I'm not going to dwell on it or even seek sweet revenge like some other women would do. I have better things to waste my energy on.

[whaywardj]

Sorry it didn't work out for you, Dust. Don't paint ALL of us guys with a black brush, though. After all, you chose to take the ride with him.

BTW, shh! and all, you may recall my post about an on again/off again relationship I'd been going through for five years and how, after going through no contact for five months (yes, the same woman as above who "got wowed!" by a passing stranger), we got back together with her being "committed to being committed to us." Well, it's off now. And for me, for good, I'm sad to say. Here were her stated reasons:

1. I know I don't love you as much as you love me.
2. That makes me feel guilty.
3. When we're together, I'm uncomfortable and stressed because I can't love you as much as I think I should.
4. I spend time with you only because I don't want you to feel ignored.

Upon being given that information, I gave her a kiss and a feel and sent her on her unfortunate way for the last time.

What couldn't she handle? Exactly what she had asked for: Unqualified love from one man.

So, you see, Dust, some women take us guys on rides, too. They just use a different set of wheels.

Good luck.

[shh!]

Aww, whaywardj, that IS too bad, and I am sorry to hear it. What a sad story. Are you comfortable with the dating arena (once you have finished licking your wounds, of course)? And I agree about there being a fair share of undeserving women, too. It seems to be part of human nature for some people.
:-(

[shh!]

shh!,

I'm so glad to have met you here. It seems you and I have a lot in common. I'm also trying to pursue a second career in the medical field as well. Where are you from, if you don't mind my asking?

Yah, I think he's just toying with my heart. I really thought he could be the one to prove me wrong about my thinking men being cold-hearted and jerks. Well, guess what, I'm played again by the biggest one of them all. He's the last straw that broke this camel's back.

I'm not going to dwell on it or even seek sweet revenge like some other women would do. I have better things to waste my energy on.

I live in the LA area. What are you planning to do in school? How many crushes have YOU had on your professors? (haha)

It sounds like you have had some bad experiences with men, Dusty, but I really have to tell you that they are not all bad. You just need to learn to pick better, and be willing to trade off that desire to be "swept off my feet" for something more slow and steady. Yes, it is less exciting, but infinitely more reliable and better for you psychologically. Plus, it allows you to see men in a whole new, softer and more forgiving way. And stay away from the sweet-talking charming boys! I would have run for my life if someone would have tried that "love you like the stars" crap on me. Either that, or I would have died from laughing too hard.

[whaywardj]

Thanks for the sentiment, shh! It's probably better for me for now to just concentrate on writing and to confine my socializing to message boards. And, no, I'm not real big on the dating scene. Too many individuals sending off too many desperate vibes. I usually happen across a person now and then in places I'm an habitue; such as libraries, museums, art galleries, conservatories and botancial parks; a coffee house or two.