Was he being genuine or just trying to spare my feelings? And what should I do now?

[starrynightz45]

I met this guy at grad school a year ago. We were friends only, until he asked for my number this May. On our 2nd date, he asked if I was just dating casually, or looking for a relationship. I said I was a relationship type of person. He said "yea, I just take a little while to get there and make up my mind about that sort of thing." I said I understood, and that we should go out and get to know one another because it was too early anyways. At this point: I thought he meant he needed time to decide if he wanted a relationship WITH ME, not whether he wanted a relationship IN GENERAL, so it sounded fine to me as it would obviously take time to decide whether a specific person is right for you. However, I guess his true meaning was that he was still undecided about whether or not he wanted a relationship in general. Anyways.

We've been on a total of 5 dates now, which I thought all went well. We laughed/joked the entire time, had great conversation, and seemed to hit it off. He came off as a gentleman, and there was no sex involved - just making out/kissing etc. We talked/texted daily.

Today, he called me and said he wanted to talk to me. He said "I told you I needed some time to think about it. Well, I feel like if we keep going as we are, that what you want is a relationship and I don't know if I can commit to anything. I DO like you as more than a friend, and I really enjoying spending time with you, and I got you a birthday present (I had mentioned that my birthday was in 2 MONTHS), but I don't want to be selfish by leading you on."

Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn't want a relationship? Note: We're both 24. Also, why continue going out on dates with me, buy me a present, text/call every single day, if you aren't even sure if you are ready for a relationship in general? And is it really reasonable that he likes me, but just doesn't want a relationship?

[lalalita]

Well, he told you straight up from the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship and made it clear you were just taking things for a test drive.

Some men have commitment issues, especially at 24. He seems well aware of his and isn't keeping anything from you. He's being honest about where he stands currently.

It is now up to you if you continue "seeing where things go" or telling him you're better off as friends because you want a relationship.

[starrynightz45]

Well, he told you straight up from the beginning that he wasn't looking for a relationship and made it clear you were just taking things for a test drive.

Some men have commitment issues, especially at 24. He seems well aware of his and isn't keeping anything from you. He's being honest about where he stands currently.

It is now up to you if you continue "seeing where things go" or telling him you're better off as friends because you want a relationship.

Well the way he phrased it, it sounded like he was saying he needed time to decide if he wanted a relationship with ME, not whether he wanted a relationship in general. I think if he hadn't even made up his mind about being open to a relationship, he probably shouldn't have continued to go out with me. He didn't say "I'm not looking for a relationship."

[basilandthyme]

Do you think this was just a nice way of saying "I don't want a relationship with YOU" or did he really mean that while he does like me, he doesn't want a relationship?

At the end of the day, the outcome for you is the same - no relationship with him. So what he meant by it really makes no difference.

[starrynightz45]

At the end of the day, the outcome for you is the same - no relationship with him. So what he meant by it really makes no difference.

Ok, but why would a guy who doesn't want a relationship GO OUT on 5 dates with a woman where things went great, buy her a birthday gift 2 MONTHS before it's even her birthday, call/text her every single day without fail, and then end things by saying "I do like you as more than a friend," but don't want a relationship? Why bother with all the dating? He clearly wasn't just in it for the sex because he never even tried and we never even got near that...

[basilandthyme]

Ok, but why would a guy who doesn't want a relationship GO OUT on 5 dates with a woman where things went great, buy her a birthday gift 2 MONTHS before it's even her birthday, call/text her every single day without fail, and then end things by saying "I do like you as more than a friend," but don't want a relationship? Why bother with all the dating? He clearly wasn't just in it for the sex because he never even tried and we never even got near that...

If there's one thing I learned back in my dating days, it was not to waste time trying to understand someone's actions. You'll just do your head in and never fully understand anyway.

"let it go" is my best advice.

[VincenzoG91]

Starry, is this is the same guy from your other thread, the artist? If so, I think that he is hinting that he wants to be FWB with you. That other thread strongly gave me the impression that he had invited at least one other woman to attend that thing at the art gallery, and that's why he was trying to manage and control your attendance so carefully.

[michelle23]

5 dates is nothing girl. Some of the guys I dated in the past lasted a month and they thought everything was going well. Me on the other hand was having doubts from the start and finally called it a day before Id be expected to sleep with him. In general-it doesnt matter how well it goes. Its never set in stone. People break up all the time, just be happy this happened after only 5 dates and you havnt slept with him. The right guy will come along

Best of luck

[starrynightz45]

Starry, is this is the same guy from your other thread, the artist? If so, I think that he is hinting that he wants to be FWB with you. That other thread strongly gave me the impression that he had invited at least one other woman to attend that thing at the art gallery, and that's why he was trying to manage and control your attendance so carefully.

Yes, same guy. Well, I can't be 100% sure about his honesty, but in later conversations he kind of hinted that he hadn't wanted me there because he pretty much, in nicer terms, didn't want to "babysit" me. He wanted to be able to talk to attendees and focus on trying to sell his work. I guess this is why he pushed for me to go with a friend - so I would have someone else to keep me busy. I could be wrong.

[starrynightz45]

He's extremely temperamental about his artwork/art shows. Maybe it was too much pressure on him to have me there. I don't know. I didn't go though.

Now I'm just unsure what to do. I have no idea what it is, but I've never felt a strong connection like this with other guys I've dated. This is why I'm so hung up on him, unfortunately. Now I'm debating whether or not I should send him a text on Saturday saying that I won't be able to make it, but good luck and maybe I'll make the next one. I just don't want to be awkward/enemies and I feel that making no attempt to communicate at all might send the message that I'm mad at him.

I will be seeing him extremely frequently once school starts up again. it's a tiny campus and we're bound to bump into each other. Any advice? I also don't want to come off as desperate.