Why am I such an idiot?

[JulietCapulet]

Hi. I'm new here, going to be my first post. I'm rather miserable right now.

I let myself fall for a guy who I knew would never really like me in return. I'm an idiot because of it, and I'm miserable as well. How could I have done this to myself?

I started a new job and made friends relatively quickly, which isn't normal for me. Usually I'm too shy to make friends, so I figured I would just take my lunch out to my car every night and keep to myself. But that didn't happen, and I made a lot of friends. One of them was this older guy (33 isn't really old, but I'm 20 so he's a tad bit older than me I suppose). Has a girlfriend, has a couple kids with her, he's pretty funny. He's very flirtatious and has a reputation of hitting on just about every girl in the store. So when he started with me I just assumed he was joking around, that was just his personality. I brushed it off, enjoyed the laughs, and enjoyed having friends for once. I didn't believe him whenever he said I was pretty or sexy, because I'm really not. (5 foot 7, 200 pounds, size 14. I don't consider myself ugly, but I know I'm not anything to look at. Never have been). So this behavior between us goes on for a while, and one day he asks me why I always brush him off. So I told him, I know you are just messing around. You aren't serious. And he looks me straight in the eye and says all seriously I am being serious. Trust me, I am never joking with you.

So at that point, even though I knew it was a mistake, I started to fall for him. And I fell hard. People at work teas us about it, but I'm going to guess that he just thinks I'm going along with his flirting. He pretends to get all jealous when I talk to other guys at work, acts all possessive and asks when we are going to spend the night together and all that. And a laugh with him and, for the first time in life, I feel attractive. I feel pretty and special. At one point I brought up the fact that he's always talking about how he doesn't like the fat chicks he sees in magazines and such, so he can't really find me attractive. He told me I wasn't fat, just pleasantly plump, and that it was cute.

But every so often there are things he says or does that are sort of mean spirited, and I'm reminded that it's just a game for him. Like how last week I was texting another friend from work on the night I was off, and he told that person to tell me that he got angry at me for texting someone else and stormed out of the room jealously. Then I go in the night after and find out he was just messing around trying to get a rise out of me. Everyone got a good laugh out of it.

I took lunch in my car that night and just cried for a while.

So now I'm here, depressed, making myself sick because I can't control my stupid emotions. How dumb can I be? Why on earth did I let myself fall for this guy? I mean, I've been in one major relationship before, so I'm not very good at all of this, but I thought I was smarter than this.

If I leave the group, I lose my friends and people at work will call me a bi**h for just bailing on them suddenly. If I stay with the group and pretend everything is alright, the cycle will begin again. He'll flatter me and I'll get all blushy and bothered and feel worth something again. Then I'll get my feelings hurt and be back in this position.

I think at this point I'll just write off anyone who says I'm attractive. It's not true.

Why am I such a complete and total idiot?

[IndiReloaded]

He's a jerk and too old for you. Men his age who chase women your age, no offense to you at all, are generally issued. Nevermind him. Laugh him off for the clown he is.

[JulietCapulet]

I know. It's just upsetting. I wish I could just switch off my emotions. I feel lied to and betrayed and just like a big joke.

[smackie9]

If he starts, you pull him aside and tell him straight that you don't like his conduct towards you and how unprofessional he is being. If he doesn't comply then you go to your HR person or your boss and make a complaint against him. What he is doing is wrong and abusive, and it's creating a hostile workplace for you. No one should feel bad like that when working at their job. You need to put your foot down and stand up for yourself. This guy needs to be put in his place. As a supervisor myself, I would most definitely take a disciplinary course of action....his behavior would not be tolerated where I work.