Complicated situation need male perspective

[Moonandsky514]

So I am a 27 year old woman with a question about a 30 year old man, who will call John.

John and I met 4 years ago in a college class. We started hanging out as study buddies and then casually dating. At that time he said he was a year out of a 5 year relationship and I was about 8 months out of a bad break up. After we started sleeping together I found out that he'd been continuing to sleep with his ex the entire year they'd been broken up and that had only stopped when he and I got involved. Real big red flag, instead of being a year out of a serious relationship he was only really a few months out. Had I known that I wouldn't have gotten involved with him, not interested in being a rebound. A few months go by and I decide I wanted more, he didn't, I choose to let the situation go. Shorty after that I find out I'm pregnant and have a miscarriage. Rough. I take a lot of space from John, wed decided to remain friends, he hadn't done anything wrong I just didn't want to be FWB. Realistically though, I wasn't really over my ex at that point anyway and wasn't ready for the relationship I said I wanted.

We get back in contact 6 months down the line In a situation that was clearly booty call(comes over in the middle of the night, leaves after sex), I was unhappy with it but enjoyed sleeping with him and we had fun together, decided i wanted a real relationship and was starting to get clearer on what i wanted from a real relationship so I decided to cut things off again, still remaining "friends". Get pregnant again, considered having the child but said I didn't want to do it with him because while I knew I could handle becoming a mom, he was not ready to be a dad and wouldn't sign papers terminating his rights, so we decided not to have the baby. He did everything that he was supposed to, but it was hard on both of us and I was angry with myself. A year goes by, we talk from time to time, hang out from time to time, sleep together once or twice.

About a year ago, we seem to be headed down the same path as before, he's at my house and we'd decided to sleep in the same bed, no sex, but then I realize how ****ing stupid that is. So I tell him to sleep on the couch, he wasn't angry, but was surprised. It was like a switch flipped tho, shortly after that I told him I just didn't see him in that way, but did value his friendship. So, we started working on a REAL friendship, and it's been the best choice I ever made. I don't know what I thought we were before but it wasn't friends, it was people who hang out together and eventually have sex.

Over the past year, we've become really close. He identifies me as one of his best friends, he tells me he loves me, frequently starts sentences with "you're the best____________", he tells me all the time how I know him better than anyone. He stepped it up all the way around, I've watched this guy go from immature jackass to one of the most solid people in my life. He asks for and listens to my advice(and vice versa ), when we spend time together(few times a week) he stays over and crashes on my couch, never seems like he wants to leave. There are some things that still need to be worked on, but it's like night and day from how he used to act. We've talked about our past "dating" each other and others over the last few years and both agreed that we would have worked out, but it was a issue of timing.

A couple of months ago I was planning on moving out of state, I tell him, and we were already spending a lot of time together. He was honest about being sad about me going, not wanting me to go, and started making plans to visit as soon as I was there. During that conversation I told him I was ending things with the guy I had been seeing, I figured out that what I really wanted(to be married and have children) just wasn't something in the cards with that guy, didn't see it. John starts talking to me about being in a similar space, about wanting a family and kids and realizing the things he had been doing and the women he'd been dating weren't going to take him there. Later in the night he's telling me how perfect I am and how I want to make him grow up, be a better man. I go to sleep in my bed, he sleeps on the couch.

Mind you this guy has his own place that he loves, I'm more comfortable at my house, so that's where we hang out.

I realized that I was seeing history repeat itself times where we've ended up just having sex then dropping off and I didn't want to lose one of my close friends by having things get weird....which they had while we were doing the fake friendship thing. We talk, and he tells me that he respects me enough to keep any naughty thoughts to himself because he values my friendship. He feels we are too old to do FWB.

Time is going by and I'm preparing to leave, we're spending a lot of time together and going out on dates(not hang outs, but romantic thoughtful dates, that he's putting together and paying for). Since I'm leaving I figure whats the harm in sleeping together, no time for it to get weird.

He takes me out on a very romantic farewell dinner, after we decided to watch a movie in my bed and sleep next to each other. No sex, no fooling around. I'm confused, at this point I know he wants to, hell he's taking a cold shower at my house every night he stays over. But I felt like maybe I misread the situation.

I ask him straight out why nothing happened a day later, he was afraid of being rejected and ****ing things up. We get clarity, we both want to, so decide to go ahead. The week before I'm supposed to move, we kept missing each other, I felt like he was being flakey and called it out, he apologized and got his act together, still no sex. I find out I'm not moving a day before I was supposed to go and tell him, he's clearly happy I'm staying.

Last Friday we're texting about nothing and I invite him to go see a old movie that I love that was just rerelased, and he was completely uninterested in seeing it, plus it required a trek to get to the tiny community theatre it was playing at. He agrees to go, passing up a friends surprise birthday party, to go with me.

We get back to my house and again decide to watch a movie in my bed, this time, no confusion, he makes a move and it is a very good night.

We communicate all the time, see each other frequently, I'm the only woman he tags in FB posts or on IG, he reposts my status and sometimes screen shots part of our conversations whenever I've said something he thinks is particularly funny or insightful. I know he had been dating a couple of people casually, but no one he was interested in being in a relationship with, and let drop in a discussion that he'd cut those situations off because they weren't going to what he really wants(family kids) He's talking to me about wanting babies and getting married, being ready to settle down. All of his words match his actions. He talks about the qualities he wants in a relationship, and then tells me how he loves those same qualities about me. I've met and spent time around both his friends and family( including his mom, the most important person in his world). He doesn't try to hide his phone and will ask me to look for stuff in it. He spends time and money and puts in effort, and I know without question that he loves me, respects me, and I am an important person in his life.

He remembers things that are important to me, remembers the things that we've done together. Remembers our first conversation, first kiss, first time I cooked for him(says its the best steak he's ever had to this day). He talks to me about his life, his family, work, everything. Tells me constantly how I do things that amaze him, encourages and supports me. Oh and in says that I'm the best he's ever been with in bed :-)

My question for the guys, is do you think he wants more than just friendship with me?

[searock]

You should ask him.

[Moonandsky514]

I know I need to, but I'm afraid that if I do(and the answer is anything other that, well yes) it will makes things weird

[searock]

Yet he's the only one who can answer that question. No matter what the general consensus will be on this thread, you'll never know for sure until you ask him. If we all say that yes, he is interested in a relationship, you would still have to ask him to know for sure. If we say that no, he isn't interested, you would still wonder if he actually is, and eventually you would have to ask him.

Just get it out of the way, things are weird enough already between the two of you.

[Moonandsky514]

I know I'm basically shaking a magic 8 ball and saying tell me the future lol.

[michelle23]

will you stop wasting your life woman? for f**k sake. how much more time you gonna waste on this messed up "friendship"? if your not careful you will miss your chance completely to get married, have kids..

do you want more with him? i mean after everything you have been through with this guy-do you not think if it was meant to be-it would have happened by now? sounds to me like the first 50 times you were being used.. i think you have really lowered your standards, lost your self-respect and allowed this twat to play puppet master with your life.

my advice:tell him how you feel. tell him you want all or nothing with him. either have a REAL relationship with this guy or cut him outa your life completely and get over him. do you want to spend the rest of your life with this "friend" in the way of you moving on. as long as he is around-you will not allow yourself to fall for someone else.

your missing out on so much, time to grow up, grow a backbone, put you and your happieness first. give him a choice "all or nothing