This is what dating really is, isn't it?

[Indestructible]

As a guy who's had zero success with dating, the frustrations have just been building and building over the years. I used to feel sad and depressed about it, but very recently, those feelings have turned into anger and bitterness. To me, dating and entering into a relationship with someone always meant finding someone you're compatible with and staying with them because you like each other, and I liked that, that's what I've always wanted. But I'm starting to see things differently.

I'm starting to see that guys like me don't have "options". We don't enjoy the benefit of finding someone we like and getting to be with them. We have to take what we can get, and settle for someone that we can tolerate enough to stick with long term. That's what dating really is, isn't it?

[michelle23]

no not to me it isnt. I would never settle. Id rather be alone forever than be with the wrong man. I think you just need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and boost your confidence. Think of a man that you look up to. What do you like/admire about him? What makes him a man?

You could aim to make some positive changes to become the man that you want to be. Then start looking for love when you have a more positive attitde and feel comfortable in your own skin

[Indestructible]

no not to me it isnt. I would never settle. Id rather be alone forever than be with the wrong man.

Perhaps, but I think women have more options. Women can afford to "shop around" and pick out who they want to date. There's a very big supply of men looking for women, and as a guy, that means ENORMOUS competition. And when you're not a very "competitive" kind of guy, that means few to no options.

I think you just need to stop feeling sorry for yourself and boost your confidence. Think of a man that you look up to. What do you like/admire about him? What makes him a man?

You could aim to make some positive changes to become the man that you want to be. Then start looking for love when you have a more positive attitde and feel comfortable in your own skin

I don't really buy into any of that, to be honest. I spent the better part of the last year being happier and more positive than I've ever been in my entire life, and it didn't do me any good. People still didn't want to be around me, girls still weren't attracted to me, nothing had improved. As far as "feeling sorry for myself" goes, I don't feel that way anymore; like I said, I'm not sad or bummed out about it, I'm angry. I'd been "sad" about it many times over the last several years, and I've hit a point where all that "sadness" has turned into "anger".

[VincenzoG91]

I'm guessing that you're young, probably early 20s. Most guys find young women attractive, so those women have a big advantage in the dating scene, and some find it more convenient to date guys who are at least somewhat older, established in their careers and relatively mature in terms of behavior. But the clock is ticking for women, because they want to get settled down with the right guy by the time they are in their early 30s. Men have a tougher time with the dating scene in their early 20s, but things start to move in their favor by maybe late 20s and definitely all through their 30s.

[michelle23]

[QUOTE=Indestructible;914828]Perhaps, but I think women have more options. Women can afford to "shop around" and pick out who they want to date. There's a very big supply of men looking for women, and as a guy, that means ENORMOUS competition. And when you're not a very "competitive" kind of guy, that means few to no options.[QOUTE]

theres equal numbers of men and women in the world so there should be enough there for you to choose from. Maybe you are going for the wrong type or maybe you are too obsessed with one girl from the past to be able to move on to another.. change your type. instead of looking for a girl just like her who ticks all the boxes-take a chance and go for someone completely different. see what happens

[michelle23]

I'm guessing that you're young, probably early 20s. Most guys find young women attractive, so those women have a big advantage in the dating scene, and some find it more convenient to date guys who are at least somewhat older, established in their careers and relatively mature in terms of behavior. But the clock is ticking for women, because they want to get settled down with the right guy by the time they are in their early 30s. Men have a tougher time with the dating scene in their early 20s, but things start to move in their favor by maybe late 20s and definitely all through their 30s.

everything you said makes a lot of sense on paper but in the real world-I doubt it works that way coz a lot of men want to settle down too by the age of 30. Plus many women have kids before the age of 30 and if that relationship doesnt work out-they are not desperately looking around to meet someone fast coz there "clock is ticking". Its just a theory probably made up by some twat who never had a gf till he was 30. IMO some men and women have no problem with the opposite sex throughout their lives regardless of age. some always have problems. some can improve with time. It prob has nothing to do with age-more about confidence and what you can offer

[Indestructible]

I'm guessing that you're young, probably early 20s. Most guys find young women attractive, so those women have a big advantage in the dating scene, and some find it more convenient to date guys who are at least somewhat older, established in their careers and relatively mature in terms of behavior. But the clock is ticking for women, because they want to get settled down with the right guy by the time they are in their early 30s. Men have a tougher time with the dating scene in their early 20s, but things start to move in their favor by maybe late 20s and definitely all through their 30s.

I'll be 25 by the end of the year, and as of now, I've never even been on a date in my entire life. Most people I know and come across seem to date within their age range, and that's what I generally would prefer to do, myself. Honestly, I consider myself very mature, as a person. I always have, really, and I've always felt like I'm part of the wrong generation. Even others have noted my mature personality in the past.

I dunno, I'm just sick of always hearing "Things will get better when x happens". When I couldn't date like everyone else in high school, it was "Things will get better once you're out of high school". When I couldn't date after high school, it was "Things will be better when you have a job/ education". When I started working and going to college and couldn't date, it was "Things will get better once you graduate and start a career". Now that I'm close to being done with formal education and I'm starting to get into a worthwhile job, it's "Things will get better when you're in your 30s". What's it going to be in another 5-10 years? "Things will get better once you have a house"? "Things will get better when you're in your 40s"? "Things will get better once you're rich and famous"? There's always one more hoop I have to jump through, it seems. Meanwhile, pretty much everyone I know has been dating since high school, and I don't know anybody that hasn't had at least one 6+ month long relationship with somebody. Why is it that they can find people they like and date, and whatnot, without having to jump through these hoops, but me, I have to keep doing one more thing before I can find somebody?

theres equal numbers of men and women in the world so there should be enough there for you to choose from. Maybe you are going for the wrong type or maybe you are too obsessed with one girl from the past to be able to move on to another.. change your type. instead of looking for a girl just like her who ticks all the boxes-take a chance and go for someone completely different. see what happens

Honestly, I don't really feel like I'm "chasing perfection". Truth be told, if I got along well with somebody, that's what would be most important to me, not "She has to look like this, she has to do this, she has to be like this, etc.". I don't "connect" with people in general very well, and making a personal connection with a girl enough to want to ask her out is even more rare for me.

[michelle23]

hows your social life? what do you do for fun? going out with friends is a good place to start looking. thats how most people meet their OH

[Indestructible]

Don't have a social life. Not that I don't want to, of course. I've noticed an odd phenomenon, actually. I tend to "open up" more when I'm feeling happy and more upbeat (and while last year was the peak of this for me, I've had moments in the past where I was more open and positive as well), and initially, people seem to like me and want to hang out with me. But shortly after that, everyone immediately pulls away from me in a big way. It's always literally like an overnight thing. One day I'll hear "Oh, yeah, we'll totally hang out some time", then the next, everyone is just completely indifferent to me. I don't really get it, but that's another thing I'm growing more and more angry and resentful about.

As far as hobbies, the things I like to do are fairly solitary things that don't get me out in the world meeting people. That's not to say I wouldn't like to have a more active life. If I had people that said "Hey, let's go here" or "Let's go do this", I'd be up for it. But I'm not the type that can just go out places by myself and have fun and make friends. If I were to go to a bar by myself, I'd buy a drink, then sit off to the side by myself until I felt like going home, for example.

[michelle23]

thats the problem. you need to make friends and get out more. and you also need to be more positive in general. you could join a hobby or do a course-maybe a communications class or social studies. good place to make friends. even a psychology or philosophy class. people in those areas are generally friendly, open minded etc. i made loads of great friends in my social studies course. really nice, genuine people.

then you have people to go out and have fun with and they can help set you up with friends

[michelle23]

another good place would be voluntary work

[devilish]

thats the problem. you need to make friends and get out more. and you also need to be more positive in general. you could join a hobby or do a course-maybe a communications class or social studies. good place to make friends. even a psychology or philosophy class. people in those areas are generally friendly, open minded etc. i made loads of great friends in my social studies course. really nice, genuine people.

then you have people to go out and have fun with and they can help set you up with friends

[Indestructible]

"Having a social life" is easier said than done, though, especially when you never learned how to do that. I've had all the practice in the world, and I'm still not good at talking to and connecting with people. And like I said, even when people start to like me, they pretty much instantly stop shortly afterwards, anyway. So, it's pretty much pointless.

another good place would be voluntary work

I guess, but between work and school, my schedule is kinda tight, and in another month or so, I have to start doing internships and "lab hours" for school, so that's going to restrict my schedule even further for volunteer work.

[basilandthyme]

[QUOTE=Indestructible;914996between work and school, my schedule is kinda tight, and in another month or so, I have to start doing internships and "lab hours" for school, so that's going to restrict my schedule even further for volunteer work.[/QUOTE]

Well there you go. If you don't have time for volunteer work, then you don't have time to date.

Think about dating when you've actually got the spare time available.

[Issues]

As a guy who's had zero success with dating, the frustrations have just been building and building over the years. I used to feel sad and depressed about it, but very recently, those feelings have turned into anger and bitterness. To me, dating and entering into a relationship with someone always meant finding someone you're compatible with and staying with them because you like each other, and I liked that, that's what I've always wanted. But I'm starting to see things differently.

I'm starting to see that guys like me don't have "options". We don't enjoy the benefit of finding someone we like and getting to be with them. We have to take what we can get, and settle for someone that we can tolerate enough to stick with long term. That's what dating really is, isn't it?

I pretty much agree with you.