male perspective needed

[avine]

Hi guys, i have a question for you about how you think so i can understand my situation better. I had an affair with a married man 20yrs older than me for 6 months, in the beginning he told me he loved me and was projecting a life together, to which i wasnt very forthcoming as i don't want to break up my current relationship. So from then our relationship changed, he became colder and more distant which bugged me but we still continued seeing each other and the sex was great. Then few months later the secret of our affair came out at our work, which led him to stop talking to me completely. I wonder, how can you be intimate with some one for months and then act as if they don't exist? Is there sth wrong with me or is he just an ass? once i contacted him and asked him to meet and talk, which he declined. At work we act like we don't see each other. So he is not even man enough to meet me and tell me my face, is such behavior normal or can you explain the reasoning? it makes me feel really bad about myself and it would help if i could understand. Thanks for reading x

[sadbunnyface]

Not a male but I am sure plenty will pop in to reply later but just read your intro.

Why did he become colder at that point in time and yet still remained sexually excited to be with you? he didn't let it affect the sex side of the relationship though. Do you know who leaked your relationship to your coworkers, was it him? or another party? Have you found out where that work gossip started?

Something else was happening that he was hiding from you, there has to be a secret he held. Because it was not your fault that came out at work and would have affected you as much as him, so looks odd for him to blame his girl for it and stop talking to you, would he have been dating another woman at work as well and she told? He is being fishy about it, have you directly asked him ? Do you know any of his friends at work or otherwise that you could get answers from since he clammed up on you? Obviously you are desperate for answers and closure.

No his behavior is off. He has some secret you don't know. Does he think the work gossip didn't affect you too?

[avine]

Thanks for your reply i believe he may have become cold with me because i didnt jump to his arms and offer to leave my partner for him.
i believe maybe his ego was hurt or he actually realized how not viable his proposition was, he has many children and grandchildren and i wasn't ready to put myself in that situation, even though i did really like him.
it was a colleague of mine who leaked it because she has seen us together once and as you can imagine felt the immediate need to share the info, it got round to his friend who questioned him about it, he denied and immediately started txting me with accusations that it was me who told. I attempted to explain how it was but he was angry and there was no reasoning with him, which in return made me mad so i just left it and didn't speak to him again, till the time when i asked him to be man enough to tell me its over to my face and he denied. This was a month ago and we have not spoken since.
i get that he freaked out that his wife might find out, but is there a need to act like a total coward and ass? how can he say he loves me one day and next day not even know me??

[dem862]

Most men don't like emotional confrontations. Suffice it to say it was only about the sex all along. Some guys like to tease with comments about commitments but it isn't really what they want. He is probably mature enough to realize the implications of putting his job and marriage in jeopardy and wisely decided it wasn't worth it. Also he was angry and most guys learn it is better to just walk away than to let the anger get out of control. Your best course of action is to get over it and move on. Chalk this one up to experience. You might want to consider breaking up with your current relationship since it isn't working and letting yourself grieve for a few months before starting to date again. Also in the future, avoid married men, and avoid looking for romance where you earn your living.

[avine]

Dem,thanks sensible advice especially re romance at work, well aware now. Yet it surprises me you would call this man wise when he acted in clear cowardice. I am not angry cos it ended, it was going to one day and i didnt want any other commitment from him, but the least i expected after months of intimacy was enough decency from him to talk to me face to face and end it. Instead he ran like a crap bunny and ignores me like a 15yr old boy so i definitely wouldn't refer to him as wise or mature cos his behavior shows he ain't either.

[Empty Road]

At work we act like we don't see each other. So he is not even man enough to meet me and tell me my face, is such behavior normal or can you explain the reasoning? it makes me feel really bad about myself

Now imagine how his wife feels.

[michelle23]

it makes me feel really bad about myself and it would help if i could understand. Thanks for reading x

you should feel bad about yourself. you betrayed your partner. you should tell him the truth and let him go find a better woman for himself. tell the dudes wife too. i hope you two do end up together and i hope he cheats on you all the time.

[Calvin]

sounds as if he was only in it for the sex to be honest