Need some advice on dating

[biguy041986]

I need some advice. I have been doing some online dating for the last 6 months or so after taking a 3.5 year hiatus from any kind of dating. I have been on eharmony, but quit because it was just too darned expensive. I did meet a nice girl though. It took over a month to finally get a meeting with her. We went to lunch and sat talking for about 3 hours or so. Afterwards we continued to text a few times a week. Tried going out with her again, but we had very nasty winter weather a couple weeks in a row so never did get together because the roads were just too bad. Then it was finally nice, but she said she had to help a friend move and she'd get back to me when she was done. Well I never heard back from her. It would have been nice to get a simple note saying that I wasn't what she was looking for, etc...

Now I have been on POF for a couple months. I e-mailed a couple girls but it never really went anywhere. Then I started e-mail this one girl, she is very nice. Then we started texting, then we finally met in person. Got her some flowers and had dinner at Chili's. Anyways the next day I texted her and thanked her for a nice dinner, it was nice to meet her in person and then asked her out again. She replied with it's her best friend's wedding on that weekend and unsure of the details. She also said she had fun too, and thanks for a great time. We texted again a couple days later and then I never heard from her again and saw that she deleted her profile on POF. Again, no note saying that I wasn't what she looking for or anything.

Why do people just stop talking with you instead of using some common courtesy. I personally thought we hit it off, she was a very nice girl, about 3 years older than me. I'm 27 by the way. I don't know what I'm doing wrong. They say one thing and then do/mean the complete opposite. I don't mind spending upwards of $75 for flowers and a meal, but would like to be shown some respect and told the truth, just like everyone else. I guess I'm looking for some advice on how to at least get a real first date and not just a lunch/dinner first meeting.

To give some more details about me.... I don't drink, smoke, or do drugs, party, go to clubs/bars. I have 2 nice cars (Mustang GT & Challenger), have a good paying job and I do some collecting (technology, vintage video game/console's, pyrex). I don't use foul language. I'm not overweight and would say I'm probably average looking. I am not looking for sex right away (yes I am still the "v" word). The longest I've dated someone if for maybe 4-5 dates and that's it. I never dated when I was in school. If there's anything else just let me know.

Thanks in advance for your help & suggestions

[4 ratties]

Just keep going.. I've been rejected many more times and finally found mine. It's really just luck, finding that person you click with. I'm sorry you've been disappointed so far but just keep trying. Usually love comes when u least expect it or "give up." People told me that all the time and I didn't believe it, but that's how it happened for me. I'm not sure how to ensure the girl will show up for a second date, love shouldn't be work. You want to find someone who puts effort in the second date just like you.

[LifeInflux]

Online dating is kind of like a supermarket, you go through the isles and pick out the ones you like, and pass by those you don't. I've done a stint of online dating, and I would do it again as I met a lot of great people even if I didn't find girls that I was interested in romantically.

You have to understand with online dates, most of the time, these women are being courted twice as much as us men are, and men instigate most of the interactions. Women are going on multiple dates often, so as sad as it is to say, you are competing with a number of other men.

While I trudged through online dates, went on plenty of dates with women, if ever I didn't end up wanting to pursue a romantic relationship, I would be honest with them.. just tell them that, "I liked hanging out with you, and I would like to do it again as friends, I just didn't feel a spark when we met." On the flipside if ever a woman wasn't interested, I would just get ignored. Thats the name of the game. Hang in there buddy, and tweak - tweak - tweak that profile.

[namemyname]

Challenger R/T? What color?

And, you're a virgin at 27? Not that there is anything wrong with that, but are you telling dates that?

People suck when it comes to internet dating. They won't tell you they're not interested. They will just ignore you, and hope you get the hint. It's hurtful, I know.

My recommendation is to keep communication going with a lot of girls at once. And, multi-date.

I also wouldn't show up with flowers on a first date. It's very gallant, but for girls in their 20s, can be scary as shit.

[LifeInflux]

Challenger R/T? What color?

And, you're a virgin at 27? Not that there is anything wrong with that, but are you telling dates that?

People suck when it comes to internet dating. They won't tell you they're not interested. They will just ignore you, and hope you get the hint. It's hurtful, I know.

My recommendation is to keep communication going with a lot of girls at once. And, multi-date.

I also wouldn't show up with flowers on a first date. It's very gallant, but for girls in their 20s, can be scary as shit.

Agree, don't bring a gift on the first date. Keep first dates light too, don't do an entire romantic dinner with a girl you just met, don't push too far too fast, and spontaneous caring gestures if you are getting along will go much further then presents you plan ahead of time.

[dem862]

I have had quite a few first dates from on-line dating. Usually it has been me who didn't want a second date. I like younger women, or at least she needs to look young. I found many women dating on-line have been rode hard and put away wet. Usually it is me who doesn't contact them again. Rejecting someone is a brutal sort of business and, yes, I avoid it. If they push it, I have told them I didn't feel a spark. That usually is enough.

Typically a coffee meeting is enough. If there is no spark, you don't want to have to sit through dinner with her. Although, I did meet one girl who expected a full-on date the first time meeting. She wanted dinner and a movie. We ended up not even meeting. She complained about previous dates and having to sit through dinner with them.

There was one woman who deleted her profile and disappeared entirely. She seemed to be a good woman, and unusual for on-line dating. She said her daughter put her up to it. We were having a really nice on-line exchange and it was leading to a meeting, when she deleted her profile. She didn't just suspend it, it was entirely gone. I figured she started getting the nasty come-ons and penis pictures from the typical on-line suitor and got disgusted. I can't blame her really.

[biguy041986]

Challenger R/T? What color?

And, you're a virgin at 27? Not that there is anything wrong with that, but are you telling dates that?

People suck when it comes to internet dating. They won't tell you they're not interested. They will just ignore you, and hope you get the hint. It's hurtful, I know.

My recommendation is to keep communication going with a lot of girls at once. And, multi-date.

I also wouldn't show up with flowers on a first date. It's very gallant, but for girls in their 20s, can be scary as shit.

It's just a Challenger Rallye Redline (V6), white with two thin red stripes on either side of a thick red stripe. And no I don't mention anything about sex or that when I talk with these women.

[biguy041986]

Agree, don't bring a gift on the first date. Keep first dates light too, don't do an entire romantic dinner with a girl you just met, don't push too far too fast, and spontaneous caring gestures if you are getting along will go much further then presents you plan ahead of time.

I guess I'm still a little old school. I've always given flowers when I first meet. I guess I'll have to change that.

[LifeInflux]

I guess I'm still a little old school. I've always given flowers when I first meet. I guess I'll have to change that.

Its a different situation when you meet a woman in person, and have gotten to know them in social situations... a little old fashioned is fine... but old fashioned goes farther by pulling their chairs out, opening doors (make sure you are opening their car door, even years after your first date), and pick up the check in all situations over the course of the first few dates.


Flowers are great, and flowers for no reason are awesome, but not when you don't know the person, or even if you're not sure if you'll get along. Most of my first online matchups I didn't even pick them up from anywhere, it was usually meeting in a mutual location for coffee or tea, or we'd go to a park, or do an activity - like the zoo or an art museum. Keep it extremely casual at first. Don't get hung up on the little things until you've been on the 3rd or 4th date and you'll do fine.

[pennylane1984]

OP: I am in the same situation as you except people think I have dated a lot and I feel comfortable saying this online because we aren't in real life but I am good looking and I have a baby-face and I am 28. I never dated in school either. I had guys like me and I flirted but there were always a ton of good looking girls and not a lot of good looking guys and I wasn't going to vie for the attention from 5 girls for 1 guy. I always thought and still do think I am worth more. I haven't put time into dating and you don't miss what you have never had. Except now I am at an age where I am thinking about settling down with someone and having a family. And now I see dating is going to be a challenge for me. I do not open up well and I am nice and polite but I have a hard time. I am not the instigator at all and I wait for the guy to be aggressive. However, in every other aspect of my life I have had to become that independent woman and I do it well. So it is hard for me to even think of someone caring for me and doing anything for me. I guess if you have never had that before it's hard to even think like that.

I say continue on. I have thought about doing online dating too. I went on a blind date a year ago and it sucked. Luckily, we just went out for coffee. He didn't even want to pay for my coffee and he didn't. And he told me way too much about his life way too soon. I got scared off quickly and I did not feel any spark. Since then I have met two guys in person that I felt a strong attraction to, like electricity in the air. One turned out he was attracted but very taken so that was too bad and one happened just yesterday but I was so surprised that I got flustered and I am sure I did not say the right things or act interested enough.

Hang in there. I am sure you and I will find the right people at some point. We just can't control when that will happen. I firmly believe half of it is timing.

[Rowen]

It's just a Challenger Rallye Redline (V6), white with two thin red stripes on either side of a thick red stripe.

Beautiful car.

Anyway, back to the subject... If I had the formula for getting an ideal date, I would be more than happy to share it with you. However, I don't, and I don't think anyone really does. The best I can tell you, man, is to look at it from this angle- if she's that shallow to not be straightforward with you, she's doing you a favor. Isn't it better to find this out now than to possibly have a year long or longer relationship where you've wasted more time, more energy, and more money giving her attention than a few weeks? I know you're probably going to reply that it's not pleasing either way, and you're right. But remember that she's doing you a favor- that finding out now is the better or two evils. I can't tell you the number of times I've talked to/dated guys who turned out to be leading me on for months; you're lucky. And honestly, if you keep going, there's bound to be someone to show you they're not like that. However, at the same time, if you start to notice similar patterns between girls (Like in general way they act like disappearing during text conversations, being very short with answers, etc etc), then maybe you can recognize the fake ones a little more quickly? That, at least, seems to be the case for me; it's just the wildcard guys that throw me off. :S Either way, I wish you the best of luck.
I hope this helps a little.

[biguy041986]

It was probably for the best. I was talking with my dad and a friend of his basically told him that POF is basically good if you want to have sex (which I'm not looking for right now), otherwise for finding relationships it isn't that good. The girl I had gone to dinner with, had mentioned twice that she had a piercing "down there". My dad says that she was probably waiting for me to ask her about it, but I never did.....

So now I'm on a sister site of POF (eVow) which is meant for people looking for long-term, committed relationships. I have tried contacting 4-6 people on there but nothing so far. I guess I'm just really wanting something. My younger brother is married and has 2 kids with another on the way, my younger sister is married, my best friend is married and has 2 kids and then his brother who most people thought would never get married is married....

Thanks everyone for all your help & suggestions so far, they've been great! My dad keeps telling me I need to lower my standards, but I'm not wanting to do that yet.