Confusing time

[Octane]

Hi all.

So the story is im married and we have been together for 15 years.
Now there is this girl at work who has a boyfriend that she seems happy with.

I find her very attactive, but didnt think of persuing anything with her.
However of the past couple of months she has been emailing almost everyday. Just general chat, a little flirty but nothing major.
Lately it has been from when she gets home to when she goes to sleep, and always ends with "sweet drems". As well as times when i know she is with her boyfriend...like on his birthday, or in the middle of them having dinner together.

My problem is that since i have gotten to know her better i have fallen for her in a way that i have never felt about anyone before.... I feel horrible....and starting to get depressed because all i think about is her.

Any thoughts or advice on how to figure out what she is thinking / feeling without flat out asking her and telling her how i feel??
Since we work together i dont want things to get uncomfortable, but i need to find out if this is just her being friendly or something else.

I have never cheated before and i need to find the answer so i can clear my head..... Feeling very confused and pained at the moment

[pennylane1984]

I am not feeling your post at all. You want to make sure you have this other chick on the side before you go ahead and cheat on your wife of 15 years? Did I read that right?

Are you going through some type of midlife crisis moment? Are you bored in your marriage? Do you no longer find yourself attracted and/or happy with your wife? Because if your wife has been a good wife and you have a good life why in the world would you risk losing it all over a fantasy?

Let's say this girl is into you, she has a bf and I doubt she is going to just dump him for her married co-worker. And let's be real if you two did get together in a relationship would you both still be searching for excitement only with different people yet again?

I would say find out what is missing/going on in your life and keep this just a fantasy. The grass is never greener.

[Millie]

Oh boy, can't wait for Michelle to see this one

[4 ratties]

You are cheating on your wife already emotionally by talking to another female from day to night.

[Octane]

Thanks penny.

Not saying that i plan to cheat... I havent tried to make a move at all.
Just trying figure out her angle so i can get my head right and move on

[Millie]

Hmmm I'm not convinced. How is knowing what she's thinking/feeling and/or telling her how you feel going to help you clear your head and move on? Surely that's just going to confuse things even more. Surely a man who had no plan to cheat would shut everything down as far as he were able, not go out of his way to get into conversations about feelings with the girl in question

[catnip]

Octane, you don't need to know how she thinks or feels. All you need is to figure out what you think is respectful and appropriate behaviour and set your own boundaries. For example, sending "sweet dreams" messages when she goes to sleep is seriously unacceptable when you're both in other relationships.

It's pretty easy to fix. Just start to avoid her and make sure to not answer any messages which aren't work related. If she asks you what's up, feel free to tell her that you're finding her behaviour inappropriate and have chosen to back away. You will also find that your crush will fade if you spend less time with her.

In the meantime, do something nice with your wife.

[searock]

The "feelings you have felt for no one else before" have a name: infatuation. Stop talking with her outside of work, and in general don't talk with her about anything that is unrelated to work. Focus on rekindling the passion and romance in your marriage.

[Octane]

Thanks... All good advice.
Sometimes you just need other people to tell you what you already now

[Villo]

Yes, everyone gave great advice. Just want to reinforce the idea of re-kindling things with your wife. And if you feel things are seriously missing in your r-ship with her, consider going to some couples counseling. Whatever you have to do to place your attention back on your wife. Glad you asked for some help about this instead of continuing merrily down the road of "good intentions" that leads to adultery.