How to?

[foxylady]

Hi there,

Just need an advice. I have been living with my boyfriend for couple months now. Relationship wise everything is great. However, he still seems to keep his "batchelor" habbit of being sloppy. I am not terribly nit picky, but when it comes to him leaving stuff all over the place right after I just cleaned, that makes my blood boil. I try not to nag. And ask him nicely to pick his stuff up. He does it, but then again becomes completely oblivious to where he is making a mess. I can literaly walk behind him and clean. He hates doing dishes and cleaning of any sort. I wish he could help me to keep the house looking discent, but at this point I just want him not to "litter" on what has been just cleaned up. Is any any secret to make him appreciate what I do to make the house feel like home, or should I just learn not to care and start saving money for a made?

Slightly frustrated.

[Illusional]

well i would agree that it's hard what to do about this problem. however did you talk to him about it? you might want to make him change his habits because you don't want to be living with this type of situation forever. raverboy

[foxylady]

Thanks raverboy,

Yes I did talk to him about it. He doesn't quite understand what I get so upset about. Although he promissed to control where he leaves his stuff. But I think he said that just get me off his back. Funny thing though, he thinks that taking out the trash is his responisbility, but he will watch the trash overflowing, untill I get it all out of the trash bin and set outside the door, and ask him couple more times (sometimes during the next two days) to take it out. But he doesn't let me do it. I feel like I am turning into a nagging wife :-(

[leight69]

this is something you'll have to resolve quickly or it will be the end of your relationship.

these aren't "bachelor habits" these are habits he grew up with, someone was always picking up after him and he doesnt seem to mind the mess.

because you are in a relationship with the person youre living with you'll need to be very tactful in your approach. you'll need to let him know that his living habits could kill your relationship...you two should talk about several things, including,
a) how you like to live
b) how he likes to live
c) how you two would like to live together
d) short term and long term goals for acheiving a successful live in relationship.
e) find control mechanisms in order to make sure you guys stay on top of the "problems"

[Illusional]

well i think that your bf should respect your thoughts because if you're thinking about marrying him it will only get worst. i dunno if you seen the first episode of "newly weds" with jessisa simpson and nick laychey?? i dunno if i spelt that name right or not..but anyways. she has always had someone clean up after her and she is a real piggy... trust me. well they fight and fight but in the end they make things better. he will just have to realize his wrongs and both of you will have to compromise. if you really want him to change, PUSH HARDER. raverboy

[ineedsomespace]

OK, this sounds like a nightmare situation - I've been there myself. Not quite the same scenario, but one which involved similar amounts of stress.

As I see it, it doesn't sound as if your boyfriend fully appreciates how low he has brought you emotionally. Because he sees your repeated requests as nagging over nothing, the situation has the potential for disaster. You'll get more stressed, and he still won't understand why.

You need to spell it out to him. Don't say "I'm upset because you won't do this or that". Say you are miserable and you don't know how to rise out of it. Tell him how stressed you are, and you feel that if things don't improve, you fear for your future together.

Once you have his attention, tell him why. Tell him that it might appear trivial to him, but it's the little things that add up to one big nightmare. He might have to put himself out a little to help out around the house, but surely it's a small price to pay for your peace of mind - and your relationship?

One of three things will happen:

1 He will finally get the message, pull his weight and you can both move on with your lives together.
2 He will carry on making a mess as before regardless of your feelings.
3 He'll improve for a day or two - maybe a couple of weeks - and then revert to his previous behaviour.

Result 1 = Great. Good luck!
Result 2 = You have to ask yourself if you really want to be with someone who doesn't care about your feelings. If you have told him exactly how you feel, surely if he cares about you at all, he will want you to be happy?
Result 3 = You might have to go through all this again, and possibly give him an ultimatum. Two strikes and he's out? No one said it was easy.

I know all this advice is easy to give. It's always easier to give advice than act on it - I hope it helps you get things straight.