The End... almost

[Glitz]

I've been in a relationship with a guy for 4 years, engaged for 9 months.

I'm Scottish, (33) he's Turkish (31) and a lot of it has been LDR. Its not been an easy relationship, cultural, language and religion issues. (This is not meant to offend anyone, its only what has happened to us)

Met on online poker, chatted for a few months, decided as me and my mum were going to take a holiday anyway, we would go to where he was. We got on well, started a relationship. Went out more times, met his family etc. Its a long story set out over 4 years, you all know how this part goes, so I'll skip it.

Everything was ok, until 2 weeks ago. Prior to that we were getting on well. I was going out next month. Then he started acting cold, distant and was a bit snappy. Any time I asked him what was going on, he wouldn't really tell me then he would go offline. It was starting to annoy me, because to my knowledge nothing has been said or done to make him be like this. This went on for a week. I have to admit I went on his Facebook to see clues (we had given passwords etc). I found a conversation between him and a relative. The relative was asking him about our engagement, was he ready for it, because girls are difficult to change after marriage (religion wise). They ended the conversation shortly after that and said they would talk about it later. I never told him I had read it. But a couple of days after, we talked and he was so angry, cold, and almost cruel in his attitude. Told me I wasn't the only one suffering, he was upset too. Said he wanted the relationship to end. I asked why, he said he's been having thoughts, that he wants a Muslim wife to worship with and he knows I wouldn't change. He let me talk, but ignored a lot of what I said, then left suddenly.

So we were broken up. I put all the cards/photos in a box, etc.

But I couldn't leave it like that, not with the angry way it ended. After 2 days of no contact, I texted him. He came online and told me he would delete me from Facebook slowly, because no one around us would understand. I said I don't even understand it, after 4 years you decide this now?! He said it wasn't a problem before, but now it was. He told me he had spoken to a relative who lives in Germany and said the relationship was bad, because she was christian and he is Muslim. I tried all the "they aren't us" "I am not that woman your relative married" "We don't know what is going on in their relationship, only what you have been told" "We were good, we talked about this". We spoke for 5 hours. I told him the best I could do was research his religion and try to respect his beliefs. I think he took that as I would try to research the religion and convert. I told him I had never promised to be Muslim, that he had told me in the past I would have to feel it in my heart. He said yes but don't use that as an excuse.

We talked again the next day (Sunday), the "baby, darling and honey's" came back in to the conversation but it was still lukewarm and after small talk, asked if I had been researching. I said no, I was busy. It didn't stop the conversation being about religion for the next couple of hours. I then tried to turn the conversation around, talk about normal things, like how was his day etc. I said you haven't told me much, he said can we talk about it later. I asked him if he was feeling cold towards me, he said he didn't know, but would tell me when we could go back to being the same as before. He said goodnight, sent a kiss, then left.

That is when it hit me. We were completely broken. The "relationship" would stay lukewarm, because he was not investing any emotions in to me until I agreed to be what he wanted me to be, staying detached enough so it would be easy to leave me (again). Compromising isn't an option, it really is all or nothing.

So now I am sitting here, knowing the next conversation will be the last. And knowing there is nothing I can do. I feel so lost.

[IslandScorp]

I don't blame you for being upset when he's brought up this issue after such a long time but it's better that you find out now than later that you two aren't meant for each other. This is not a strong man and his love for you isn't strong if he can be swayed by what some relative in Germany is telling him. He has chosen his religious beliefs over personal love - it is his choice to make but you will never be happy with that. End it and be grateful that you are free to find someone who is more compatible with you - someone who loves you for who you are and won't try to force you into doing something that doesn't sit right with you or to become someone that you aren't.

[avine]

It is hard to accept that a good thing has ended. Clearly, you do not want it to end and it is understandable, however the things have now progressed to a level where you have do make a decision. The man has clearly expressed that religion is more important to him than his feelings for you and sure you could perpetuate it by deciding you would convert to his beliefs in order to save the relationship, but is it because you really want to do that or would you be doing it from despair because you dont want to lose him? If you did it just to make him stay it would be the wrong reasons and you would regret it, sooner or later, because a time would come where he would want you to change more and more to suit him. If he loved you, really loved you, he would love you as you are and would not demand that you change. If you changed, you would not be able to respect yourself in the future because you would not be true to what you believe. You already know, deep inside, that the end is inevitable. You hear the alarm bells in your mind and reason is telling you to leave but you dont want to beause it hurts, but believe me if you dont it is going to hurt so much more later on. I know you want to fight, to fix things, but some things cannot be fixed if the other person is not willing to compromise. My only advice is listen to your instincts because they are right. Do not make the mistake of not trusting yourself only to find some time later (weeks? months? years?) that you had been right all along. So maybe the next conversation will be the last and it will be painful but you will walk away with dignity and true to who you are, and in the long run that is most important. Listen to the little voice that has been telling you what to do all along but you have been ignoring because you had hope, hope that things would change, that they would go back to the way they were. They will not. best of luck x

[4 ratties]

It sounds like he has checked out.. I would move on and find a man that's more emotionally available and knows what he wants

[VincenzoG91]

Maybe he will contact you after he marries his muslim wife. Then you can be wife #2.

Or better yet, date locally. LDR is hard enough, but when you throw in language, culture, and religion differences, the odds against a happy relationship become staggering.

[madelinel]

you have a very tricky situation. I know a couple who are now happily married. The guy is Indonesian Muslim and the girl is Austrian Christian. They have been together for five years now. I asked how they handled the religion issue. The girl told me that they respect each other's religion and beliefs. Their family is also cool with it. For them, love transcends race and religion. Your ex is only having a problem with your religion after 4 years of being together. Why hasn't he said anything during the 4 long years? If he really loves you and wants a life with you, he should not be influenced by what his relative says. Also for this marriage to work, his family must be cool with the religious difference. Otherwise, it will cause a lot of problems after you get married. I think it is all up to him if he is willing to compromise on this religion issue. If he is not willing to compromise, I think you should move on.

[kimhotcake]

You sound like a very brave person. It takes major guts to stay true to yourself when there is so much pressure. I have no doubt you are ready to find someone awesome. ;-)