I Love My Family, But I Love Him

[neen]

This was practically the exact same situation a member of my family was in. But for them, it was more about religion than where they're from. Both parties were pressured by their families, but your boyfriend (presumably) isn't being pressured by his family.

In the end they broke up, but had there not been pressure on the other side I'm 99.5% sure they would've stayed together.

I don't think it helps that you're a girl either, for some reason... Do you have any siblings? The reason I ask this, is if you're 'Daddy's little princess' or whatever, then eventually the pressure will probably ease off as they'll realise if they lose you, they'll lose most of what they've got.

I honestly feel like we would last quite a long time.. His parents don't mind. My mom didn't let me meet them although they wanted to. Some of his family knows me and like me a lot, it's just that mine is... Urghh! I have a younger brother but he would rather take my moms side so he can get what he wants. And my dad, only gets involved if he knows he's getting something in return. Like forcing me to see his mom and promising me to help me with my mom but then taking her side. Can you say backstabbed? Lol

[namemyname]

Oh no, you type for my benefit. You just don't realize it yet.

You're truly making me "lol" tonight, Life. Twice, now. On the internet, that's like multiple O's.............

[LifeInflux]

You're truly making me "lol" tonight, Life. Twice, now. On the internet, that's like multiple O's.............

Thats some kind of record, I hope I receive a trophy.

[neen]

I say you move out.

A Mesopotamian, sexist culture has no place in a modern, western, civilized society.

(And you argued you were "infantilized"??? )

Ugh try telling that to them. I've been trying this for months and she goes insane the moment I say "we live in Canada and its the 21st century." I don't mean to disrespect them, but for crying out loud.... -.- this is messed up

[neen]

They have operations for that now, but I don't know if you'd be excited about what you'd end up with.

Lmaooo I would make an ugly guy, so ill pass haha

[namemyname]

Thats some kind of record, I hope I receive a trophy.

A peach tree.

[namemyname]

Lmaooo I would make an ugly guy, so ill pass haha

You get to pee in the snow, so consider it.

[Sparkling]

Can't my ass. You choose not to.

Alas, it isn't as straight fowards as you may think - it's an culture thing.

[UnderTheMoon]

Exactly! Thank you for understanding. I'm Christian from Syria. Born and raised in Canada, he is the same as well. What confuses me is that she says this but then she says anyone else but him. He is a caring guy and we were both at fault.

If you both are really in love, and your father only wants to see you succeed but takes your moms side and your mother does not want you dating this guy, then I would say listen to yourself. I am Christian but this is where I don't agree with it. The way I see it, in love all things grow and flourish if it's real. Finish school, keep talking and spending time together, if your mother gets up at the communication just ignore it. If your not leaving and she isn't backing off then what else can she do? If she kicks you out then you are free to do what you will. Your father sounds more like an understanding man. I wouldn't let love slip away because of outdated ritual. You keep your values but you don't live in the old days anymore. If he wins your fathers approval through hard work and dedication then you have it made. Your mother sounds bitter and the fact that she said she would let you die if he was the cure is actually the biggest sign of that. Don't let your life waste away because of someone else's mistake. We are here to become more than what our parents were, not to live in their shoes. If you guys get married down the road, and you both have success then what shame can that possibly bring? I would say stifling you down like a bird in a cage is the real shame. Do what you want without breaking your values and as long as both of you want this, then all I can say is that you will make it, no matter what happens.

Life is too short honey and we all need to find our own path. One day if things pan out and work out the way you want them too, your family will understand and you won't have to worry about that. This is a very hard time in your life to be considering these kinds of things hence why I said for both of you to get your life together. Talk, stay close, but work on yourselves first. When you are both done with school then think about being together for the long haul then. Who knows, by that time he may not be what you want? You may find someone you fit better than you do with him. Who knows for sure, but work on YOU, your life. I think out of all of this, that is the most important thing. Real love, doesn't fade away. It only grows stronger in absence of our S/O. So from here on out, only you know what you have to do. Make up your mind for yourself and decide. No one here can tell you anything else on how to handle your own life, not even I can. Just hope you figure it out.

Eventually though, if I were you, I would still be with my honey. I wouldn't care what my parents thought and they would never know. May seem wrong, but with the whole younger brother getting more respect than you? Yeah... I would do what I wanted. Are they going to literally lock you in a cage? I think not. That would bring REAL shame if they are so worried about it.

[neen]

If you both are really in love, and your father only wants to see you succeed but takes your moms side and your mother does not want you dating this guy, then I would say listen to yourself. I am Christian but this is where I don't agree with it. The way I see it, in love all things grow and flourish if it's real. Finish school, keep talking and spending time together, if your mother gets up at the communication just ignore it. If your not leaving and she isn't backing off then what else can she do? If she kicks you out then you are free to do what you will. Your father sounds more like an understanding man. I wouldn't let love slip away because of outdated ritual. You keep your values but you don't live in the old days anymore. If he wins your fathers approval through hard work and dedication then you have it made. Your mother sounds bitter and the fact that she said she would let you die if he was the cure is actually the biggest sign of that. Don't let your life waste away because of someone else's mistake. We are here to become more than what our parents were, not to live in their shoes. If you guys get married down the road, and you both have success then what shame can that possibly bring? I would say stifling you down like a bird in a cage is the real shame. Do what you want without breaking your values and as long as both of you want this, then all I can say is that you will make it, no matter what happens.

Life is too short honey and we all need to find our own path. One day if things pan out and work out the way you want them too, your family will understand and you won't have to worry about that. This is a very hard time in your life to be considering these kinds of things hence why I said for both of you to get your life together. Talk, stay close, but work on yourselves first. When you are both done with school then think about being together for the long haul then. Who knows, by that time he may not be what you want? You may find someone you fit better than you do with him. Who knows for sure, but work on YOU, your life. I think out of all of this, that is the most important thing. Real love, doesn't fade away. It only grows stronger in absence of our S/O. So from here on out, only you know what you have to do. Make up your mind for yourself and decide. No one here can tell you anything else on how to handle your own life, not even I can. Just hope you figure it out.

Eventually though, if I were you, I would still be with my honey. I wouldn't care what my parents thought and they would never know. May seem wrong, but with the whole younger brother getting more respect than you? Yeah... I would do what I wanted. Are they going to literally lock you in a cage? I think not. That would bring REAL shame if they are so worried about it.

Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate it, you helped me a great deal, to be honest. We have both been stressed and arguments spark because of this, so I am preparing myself to talk to him tomorrow, hopefully in person, and ask for a break or just to take it really slow, I know we both are starting to think its better for now.. It's starting to become too overwhelming. But you're right, this way if my feelings or his feelings fade, then props to my mom, she was right lol.

Thank you again, you're a great help!! Now all I have to do now is talk to him, see if we should take a break with no or little contact. ... Then I'll just stick to figuring my life out and him figuring his..

[Valixy]

"if you're on your death bed and he was your only medicine I'd tell the doctors to just let you die".

That is a very powerful declaration coming from the person that loves you more than anyone in the world and you shouldn't take it lightly. It might contain some truth that has nothing to do with the middle eastearn culture and protecting the good name of your family.

My mother totally opposed me seeing the guy that was my first boyfriend, like never before and never again. She became pretty extreme about that just like your mother probably. Looking back I realise she was right. I would not accept many of things I tolerated from him then when I was so inexperienced and I didn't know better. Your mother might have a point, even if you might not be able to see it. Don't be too hard on her. She is human and she might also be making a mistake, but I believe that most of the parents sense when a guy/girl is right for their child.

With or without him, your priority should be your studies.

[neen]

"if you're on your death bed and he was your only medicine I'd tell the doctors to just let you die".

That is a very powerful declaration coming from the person that loves you more than anyone in the world and you shouldn't take it lightly. It might contain some truth that has nothing to do with the middle eastearn culture and protecting the good name of your family.

My mother totally opposed me seeing the guy that was my first boyfriend, like never before and never again. She became pretty extreme about that just like your mother probably. Looking back I realise she was right. I would not accept many of things I tolerated from him then when I was so inexperienced and I didn't know better. Your mother might have a point, even if you might not be able to see it. Don't be too hard on her. She is human and she might also be making a mistake, but I believe that most of the parents sense when a guy/girl is right for their child.

With or without him, your priority should be your studies.

Trust me, her words have stuck to me, especially that line. She was right, he wasn't always a good sport about things but time apart sometimes make people realize they took each other for granted, that being said, I was happier before when I was with him, she only ever saw the 2 bad arguments. She didn't really like him before because "he was kurd" when he is the same as me, and she knows that... Then her issue was "he doesn't spoil you" .... Then "he's bad to you". Then.. "I wish he was dead"... Then ^ that line. She's not perfect and neither am I, but she's only ever had experience with 1 man in her life and it was messed up, so regardless, I'll never learn if she has me on a leash.
I'm a medicinal student, and he is a police foundations student, so we are both well aware that school should always be #1 right now, that being said, he is sure he wants me in his life because he hasn't had anyone who cared and loved him like I have and he has never pictured a future with anyone else but me, and I feel the same.....

But I have to let my happiness go because my mother had a bad experience with 1 man. I've asked her to get remarried and she says "I ate shit once, I won't do it again". Therefore, just because she doesn't want to, doesn't mean I can't and don't. I've had enough of it. She's lucky, I'm not like other girls.. I don't go to the bars, I stay home like she wants, I work, I get great marks, and I have great goals set...I think all of that deserves a bit of trust to let me figure my life out otherwise I can't learn.

She is so quick to say "he uses me just to get a good reputation" when he doesn't even care about rep, and it's not like we did things for him to use me like that.. And if he did, which I know deep down he never has, he wouldn't have stuck around even through all of this and done some of the things he's done for me. No guilt no nothing. So she's got it wrong, even though I am not 1000% sure I am going to marry him a few years from, but I am 1000% sure that he is who I want to be with right now and we are happy together without the pressures of my mom.

A lot of our arguments, to be honest, start because she tries to get me to see that he doesn't do certain things that he should, which is totally out if line to buy me a ring after a year, she's crazy... But I was easily convinced, and that's just an example, I'd put pressure on him and it would make this relationship more serious than I want it to be right now at this time..

So it's like she's been planning this.... My dad was going to accept, but she brainwashed him into thinking that my bf doesn't want me and I have no self respect, etc.. I don't know where shes getting all of this bs from but now he is too stubborn to listen to me.... I try to have calm and mature conversations with both of them, especially my mom, but I plan a speech for nothing because 2 seconds of me talking results in her yelling for 15 minutes and saying she will have a heart attack and to pick her or him. Even in public she tries to embarrass me like I am a child about this..... It's too much!? So ****ed up.

[namemyname]

Like I said before, your mother hates men, and she will NEVER approve of anyone you bring home. EVER.

Is she always so nasty and melodramatic? "I wish he was dead"? Seriously? She talks like that?

Ever see the movie "Carrie"? Your mother is Piper Laurie ALL THE WAY.

She sounds like a lunatic. Get out while you can.

[yamatoxxvii]

it's good to know that you both admit that you're not mature for a relationship... that's a mature thing to realize.. about your parents, i think you can still do something about it, i suggest you both don't stress it out too much..

you're both still young and you'll have all the time to figure things out.. you said that you're not allowed to see each other, do you still have contact? a relationship doesn't mean that you should always see each other, there are hard times like this that you need to sacrifice stuff like dating and seeing each other. if you both love each other, just have each other.. time will pass always talk and one day probably you'll both figure out how to fix this.. just let your parents cool their heads for the meantime and then talk to them about you dating your bf, i think your parents are just worried about you seeing you cry because of him, it's natural in a relationship just don't stress problems too much.. instead try to deal more time on important things such as school just be there for each other....

[neen]

Like I said before, your mother hates men, and she will NEVER approve of anyone you bring home. EVER.

Is she always so nasty and melodramatic? "I wish he was dead"? Seriously? She talks like that?

Ever see the movie "Carrie"? Your mother is Piper Laurie ALL THE WAY.

She sounds like a lunatic. Get out while you can.

Loool I've never seen that movie, but if it'll help, I should look into it . She thinks money can buy love idk she can do this for now, ... But she can't do this forever. I'm thinking of talking to one of my uncles, maybe he'll help out.