A little advice needed

[mrtdg82]

First of all, some may judge me on what I'm about to write as it includes affairs, if this is the case stop reading as I don't want to offend. If not carry on and thank you in advance for any advice you can give.

I'm not married but recently seperated from a girl I'd been living with and had a kid together when I met this girl. She is 6 years younger than me but it didnt matter, oh I'm 30 by the way. She is married, albeit in a dead relationship with 2 kids, but she was quiet and sweet and hardly the type who would do anything. Anyway we started meeting up, 3 times a week usually as we loved spending time together. Sometimes we went to the pub, other times we sat in her car. Eventually it progressed to me going to hers and it after a couple of months it turned physical. I ain't going to lie, the sex was amazing and we appeared to click.

I'm not one for wearing my heart on my sleeve. I never really told her how I felt and whilst she was clearly growing fond of me I kept quiet much to her frustration. She hated the fact I was so emotionless and rarely said how I felt.

5 months in that changed and I knew I was in love with her, honestly I've never felt about anyone the way I felt when I was with her. And one night a week before I was due to go away with family for a few days whilst together we told each other we loved each other. She was so happy and things seemed to be amazing especially since she had separated from her husband. They still lived together but were no longer together. Before it's questioned whether she had actually separated or not I 100% believe her.

It was not long after that things changed. A few days later I was meant to see her before I went away but she cancelled on me. She gave no really explanation and it was the first time she had ever cancelled to see me. Anyway whilst away I found it hard not being around her, perhaps triggered by the unusual cancellation before I went, i tried to make plans with her once I returned but she was all of a sudden really busy with plans herself. That was early June.

1 month on and everything has changed. We argue a lot and despite attempting to call things off a few times she has always begged me back. She has cancelled plans on the day with me at least half a dozen times saying the babysitter has cancelled. She rarely ever says anything good and never asks to see me.

Obviously I recognised things had gone wrong and when questioned she simply stated that her husband was making it hard with the split and wanted to kick her out and she was scared that he would take full custody of the kids. She felt if he found out she was or had been seeing someone that would ruin her chances of keeping her children once they sorted living arrangements.

But it all didn't seem right. He was rarely at home and yet her texts went from being really chatty to nothing and really slow replies of an evening. On a couple of evenings when out she wouldn't text at all which was odd.

Then in Thursday I rang her and we talked during which she broke down into tears and told me she would try and think of a way to make it work between us. The following evening she text saying she couldn't give me anytime to see me so wanted to just be friends. When I told her no she begged me to come round the following night, which I did. She had cancelled on me 4 times that week prior to me coming over that day. Again she broke down in tears saying she wanted it to be a nice goodbye for both of us. I left with both of us in years after hugging for over an hour.

2 days on it appears to be finally over. Despite us still texting still tonight she didn't beg me back, a one word text later and it's gone.

My issue is this;

The past 5 weeks or so have been awful and so upsetting for me. At least 70% of all our plans were cancelled by her. When we were together it was great but it was around once a week max. She didn't once come to see me and became more distant.

Today she stands by that it is ending coz she couldn't give us the time due to issues sorting out her ending marriage. I have no doubt it has ended due to Facebook stuff so I know she isn't lying there. But she constantly says she doesn't have time to make it work yet on Saturday asked to see me and it wasnt an issue then? So on one hand I have a girl who gets upset and begs me back when I go and on the other hand says she doesn't have time!

I'm inclined to believe one of 2 things. Either a) once we expressed feelings she got bored or 2) it's someone else. I just wish I knew which. As I said, when we were together it was perfect, she just made no effort for the last 4-5 weeks.

I really feel messed about.

Help

[basilandthyme]

Hi mrtg82, I don't think it's either a) or b). I think she's still too caught up living a lie. She's either lying to you or lying to her (estranged?) husband...and either way, it's wearing her out.

In short, there are too many unanswered questions for me to guess much about why she's ended things. Perhaps when you answer these questions, it will make more sense:

Why hasn't she moved out? What progress is being made with the lawyers? How are they planning to split the assets? What does her lawyer say about her seeing someone new and gaining custody? (I don't believe that seeing someone new while separated will change a custody ruling). For that matter, have you ever seen legal papers pertaining to her pending divorce?

If you haven't seen papers and the divorce isn't progressing, then I believe that you were an affair and she has no intention of leaving her husband.

[Wakeup]

Are you still with the poor girl that you say you live with?

Anyway, Your story isn't unique in the least,mrtg. Just like most married people who cheat, when push comes to shove they get rid of the third wheel... that would be you.

Learn a lesson from this and keep your heart for someone who is able to give it to you. If you're still with the girl you said you live with, then you still have more karma to kick you where it hurts... in this case, your heart.

PS: Don't be so naive and douche in the future. KNOW that anyone who is "separated" but still living with their spouse is in NO way ready to be with anyone else. There is waaaaay too much baggage for anyone who is where she is in the breaking up process to be a good partner to anyone. The norm in this kind of situation is : Fling with you and then fling you away... just like she did.

[mrtdg82]

Firstly thanks for the responses.

I am NOT with my ex, sorry if it came across that way.

The thing is right from the offset I knew this was a fling, however feelings grew and it developed into more then originally thought. Which is why I considered it an affair rather then a fling.

I have no doubt she separated from her husband, and believe her in that sense. What I'm upset about is how it ended. There was never really a discussion of us getting together as it was far too soon and we both accepted that. There just some belief that maybe one day it could go further.

Just to answer the initial questions to hopefully assist.

They split in may so its relatively raw. Her family were not supportive of it nor was he. He made enquiries with a lawyer and asked her to move out but she has nowhere to go also let's not forget she has 2 young kids involved here. It's never going to be a quick or happy process.

But I was never a complication. I never asked for more then what I got or pushed for her to leave him. I even offered to wait around and back off until things settled but all she said is that she couldn't put a time frame on it. Her only ever argument was not being able to give me time, but she still went out with mates on occasions and as shown on sat when she really wanted to she could.

But then when I saw her it was great, and as mentioned she broke down in tears twice last week when it looked like we were ending and even yesterday before it ended she suggested we have a break instead. When I asked how a break would work she said she didn't know!

I could deal with it if she just told me straight. But all the rarely seeing me but begging me back everytime I tried to go messed me up

[basilandthyme]

Hang on, in your first post, you talked about having been with her for 5 months (and more)....but now you're saying that they only decided to end the marriage in May!! What are you thinking?? I'm not surprised this has ended badly for you.

Don't mess around with a married woman - no matter how miserable she tells you she is.

Just move on and leave this sordid mess behind you

[Wakeup]

She a married woman that cheated on her husband with a naive douche (you) who is an enabler of cheating. How could you ever trust someone who would do what she did to be a decent and trustworthy partner worth having?

Check your lust. Take it completely out of the question and tell me what outside of sex makes you think you love her? Love is an action word. Love is proved through actions that show we are valued. Sex is not an action word that proves that you are loved or loving if that is all you're being valued on.

Leave her alone, learn from this. Stay away from women who are already in relationships and work on yourself and what is probably some fear of commitment. Afterall, you don't really have to commit if someone is unable to commit back (due to her marriage) now do you.

[VincenzoG91]

I think that she is cheating on you with her husband.

[avine]

I get you, was in a very similar situation. The man i was seeing also became distant short after telling me he loved me and me having reciprocated. Now in retrospective i recognize that this time, when it changed, was the time to end it. however i failed to do so then, even though i knew deep inside and it ended in a total disaster couple of months later. i guess id advise you to listen to the inner voice of reason even though your heart doesn't like it because it is right. Listen to actions not words. doesn't matter how much she says she loves you or begs you back, if there is no action to back it up it is just empty words. Be honest with yourself, deep inside you know what to do, it may hurt but believe me it will hurt so much more if you wait in hope that things will go to the way they were. good luck

[michelle23]

Dude you may think your situation is different and special. Its not- all affairs end in tears.

if you wanted a fling, why didnt you find a single woman? You really went from the frying pan into the fire and it was so naive and foolish of you.

You need to learn from this-cheating is WRONG and all it does is hurt everyone involved including her innocent children.

Be on your own for awhile. If you are only looking for someone because you are lonely-than you will attract the worst type of people. Learn to be happy on your own first and they you may meet someone who is actually worth it