Why am I destined to be alone?

[Indestructible]

I know I post a lot about the same kind of stuff, but I feel like I have a better understanding of the "pieces" of my "puzzle", so to speak, but I still don't know how to "put it all together". I've been doing a lot more thinking, trying to figure things out for myself, and these are the things I've come to realize...

- When it comes to identifying a girl I'd like to ask out, I have zero interest in looks. That's not to say I don't have sexual desires, but they don't kick in at all until after I've fallen for someone. I'm looking more for mental stimulation. When I say "mental stimulation", I'm not necessarily talking about someone that's very heavily minded towards science or politics, or anything like that. I, myself, have very... peculiar outlooks and beliefs, as well as a peculiar sense of humor. Ideally, I want to be with someone that not only understands, but also shares the same peculiar mind. Unfortunately, from what I've seen, it's extremely difficult for me to find someone that's similar to me in that aspect. I don't really "fit in" with any specific group, so it's not like there are specific activity groups I could get involved with that would necessarily get me meeting like-minded people. Again, I consider myself very peculiar; not "better" or "worse" than anyone else, just... different. Honestly, my entire life, I've always felt like I don't really "fit in" with the vast majority of people and groups I come across.

- People, in general, don't seem to "like" me. That's not to say people dislike me; people don't mind me, but they don't REALLY like me. People don't actively try to avoid me, but they don't actively try to include me, either. If I'm "there", people are okay with my presence, but I don't get the sense that anyone ever thinks "I really want to go hang out with/ talk to him!". I constantly find myself in situations where I feel "left out" by people I'd like to spend time with; again, they don't purposely avoid including me, people just tend to forget about me and not think anything of it if I'm not included. Unfortunately, I'll admit, I'm not the funniest, most interesting, entertaining guy. But I try. I really do. I try to make people laugh, I try to think of things to say, but for the most part, it always ends up falling flat, not to mention, going back to me being "peculiar", I often feel like a lot of people don't really "get" me.

Only one time, last year, has someone ever made me feel like they WANTED to spend time with me, WANTED to be around me, WANTED to talk to me, and at the time, that really helped to make me feel like things could be different for me, but it only lasted about a month or two, and then I ended up back "on the outside looking in" all over again.

- On that same note, this makes finding someone to date even more of a challenge. From what I've seen, in order to actually get a date, you have to be charismatic and/ or good-looking. Clearly, as I just said, I'm apparently not charismatic enough for people to want to actively try to spend time with, so that's right out the window immediately. And as for looks, that's something I've just accepted I'll never have on my side. Do I think I'm "ugly"? No. But I'm unusually short, I have the face of a 12 year old boy, I can't seem to properly grow facial hair, and even my voice is a bit high-pitch; overall, I look very much like a "little boy", and girls don't want to date a "little boy", they want to date a "man".



A lot of you guys have pegged me as "negative" in the past, and I never really denied that. But the truth is, I feel like that negativity has only stemmed from pent up frustrations. I don't think I lack confidence, I don't think I project negativity to the world around me. I go out into the world and I try, I try to be positive and do what I can with people, but I ALWAYS come up empty-handed, and those frustrations build up.

So what's the solution? People frequently say "Stop focusing on it so much and just focus on you". And that's fine, that's not bad advice. But I've never really been "focusing on it" as much as my posts would have you believe. Yes, having people in my life (both romantically and platonically) is something I want very, very badly, but I've spent the last several years trying to put my actual energy into other aspects of my life. And really, everything else is going pretty well for me right now. My education and career are on the right track. I have a handful of hobbies that bring me some personal joy in my free time. I'm basically happy with "me", and honestly, I have been for a while. That's why this stuff gets to me, because as much as it may sound like it, I'm not "unhappy" with me, and it's frustrating to be unable to have anyone in my life.

I think I'm a good person, that deserves to have friends, that deserves to find a girl, that deserves to not be as completely alone and alienated as I am. And yet, here I am. Constantly "chasing my tail", unable to figure out why I'm perpetually stuck in this position I'm stuck in. Perhaps some of us are just "destined" to be alone?

[namemyname]

No, you're not. You just haven't found your "niche".

Define "peculiar" when it comes to your thoughts.

Are you an Aquarian? Or Gemini? BTW... lol

[Empty Road]

You spend too much time within your own mind than outside in the world. How often do you go out to have fun with other people? The key word here is fun. You think if you have a girlfriend that you love, then you'll have a life and you'll be happy. But it's works the other way around, you have to have a life first then the girl will come. You have spent too much time alone that your personality has become stale. Now you need to bring your personality back alive by focusing on having fun rather than having someone.

[Indestructible]

Define "peculiar" when it comes to your thoughts.

Well, that's part of the problem, I can't really put it into words or give it a clear definition. I'm just... "peculiar". The closest I can get to defining it is that I have a very snarky, sarcastic attitude and mindset, and sense of humor, but not in a mean-spirited way, if that makes sense. And even that "definition" is only really scratching the surface. When it comes to dating and attraction, I'm most attracted to girls that "play" with me; and by that, I mean girls that understand and share my sense of humor, and by "play" I mean constantly messing with and teasing each other in good fun. It's very rare for me to develop that dynamic, though, hence why I don't often find myself personally attracted to the vast majority of women.

You spend too much time within your own mind than outside in the world. How often do you go out to have fun with other people? The key word here is fun. You think if you have a girlfriend that you love, then you'll have a life and you'll be happy. But it's works the other way around, you have to have a life first then the girl will come. You have spent too much time alone that your personality has become stale. Now you need to bring your personality back alive by focusing on having fun rather than having someone.

I know, but this topic is something that is applicable to friends and platonic relationships, as well. I don't dislike most people, but I don't seem to "connect" well with very many people at all. When I like people, I want to be around them and spend time with them, go out and do things with them. But again, people tend to not really like me that much. I try to be as interesting, funny, and whatever else I can, but evidently, I'm just too "boring" and/ or "not fun enough" for people to really WANT to include me and spend time with me. I've tried reaching out to people for friendships many times in the past, and all I ever get is indifference from people. People don't mind my presence if I'm there, but for the most part, I'm never "there" because most people don't care enough to include me.

Dating is something I want to experience very badly, but this topic also extends to my social life. I've never really had a "social life". I'd classify pretty much everyone I've known for a regular amount of time as simply "acquaintances". I guess I've really never had "friends", I never have people to go out and do stuff with, and I want that, too. I'm not saying that I think if I had a girl, I'd be happy because my entire world would center on her. I just want people in my life in general. I want to be able to have friends, I want to be able to date, I want all of that. But I just feel like the world has shown me that I'm not "good enough" for most people, as a friend or a potential love interest.

[HeartIsAching]

Because of your attitude. Period.

[Indestructible]

Because of your attitude. Period.

I don't understand what that means, though. I'm not "negative" around people, nor am I "needy", "clingy", "depressing", or whatever. When I'm around people, I try to keep myself as warm and approachable as possible. I try to speak up and insert myself into conversations whenever possible, but most of the time, I have nothing of value to say and I get swept away.

So I'm confused about what this "attitude" is, and how this supposedly affects my ability to make friends, have a social life, and date.

[pacachomp]

Heya. First of all, I understand a lot of what you're feeling. I'm not as different as you think you are, but I'm pretty shy so even though people are happy talking with me and laughing at my jokes on the rare occasions that I feel comfortable enough to tell one, I'm rarely actively included in things. Now. It's pretty clear that a combination of your "peculiarities" and looks are the "problem". I don't like the word problem because it implies that it's the thing that needs fixing, when in this case, it's probably the people you're hanging out with. You can soften the edges of your personality, or put some extra effort into working out how to make yourself look better, but in the end the only way you're going to have a lasting relationship is to find people who appreciate who you are (and vice versa). It might take a while to find them, but eventually you will.

All I can really suggest is to not get discouraged and actively look for similar people to yourself, which might just be as simple in getting involved in activities which allow you to meet a lot of people. The other thing is in conversations, don't forcibly insert yourself unless you have something to say, because it does come across as needy. Humour is your friend here, but to be funny you have to be relaxed, fresh, not tired, etc. Work on getting those things right and it'll help too.