Do you tend to date narcissists or very selfish people?

[4blossoms]

After deciding not to see someone anymore recently I went through my journals (yes, I keep a diary ) and read entries from the last 10 years. After reading countless pages about the pain of failed relationships something hit me that I had forgotten about--I have a pattern of dating narcissistic men.

Everything starts out great then the person will disappear for a while then re-appear later wanting to pick up exactly where we had left off 2 weeks ago. When plans are being made and I'm waiting to hear back from them, they like to wait until the last minute to see if something else better comes up and then calls to tell me they can't make it. If they are an exploitative narcissist they will actually do a better job playing the perfect boyfriend at first, then after winning my heart the facade start crumbles and one day I am wondering why there are so many long strands of hair in his bed that are not the same color as mine.

Does anyone else have this tendency to date narcissists (or very selfish people) and how do/did you try to overcome it?

[basilandthyme]

No, I don't have a history of doing this. What worked for me was being ruthless when dating - a person who disappears would not get another chance. If I see him not committing to events regularly, he wouldn't get another invitation.

In short, you need to adopt an attitude of "I'm not putting up with this sh*t" and dump a guy without looking back.

[TablesandChairs]

Narcissistic personality disorder is quite rare; it's unlikely you've come across several. Unfortunately, you'll find a lot of crap on the internet that use the word 'narcissism' like it's something entirely common. It's not.

You simply have a habit of finding guys who aren't that into you, or are not at the same place in life as you; they might want to mess around, have sex, go on a few dates but nothing serious. Sure, while they're 'chasing' they will be on their best behavior...but that's just what some guys do.

Life is far more pleasant if you date based on quality; if he doesn't seem interested, contacts you once in a blue moon, always rainchecks on dates...move on. Don't even bother sending a text but if you do, a simple "seems you're too busy for a relationship right now, thanks for the date though". When a guy is keen, you'll know it.

[michelle23]

I would say at least 1% of people have npd (extreme) which is still a staggering 70,000,000.. Then there are those very selfish people who dont have npd but are borderline and there are a lot of people like that in this world-possibly billions..

Anyway OP if this is the type of men you are attracting regularly then you need to change your type. You also need to open your eyes and learn to spot warning signs or red flags early. My guess is you wear your heart on your sleeve, you get so blown away in the infatuation stage dreaming of what could be you blind yourself to what is. You need to thread carefully in future. Also narcissistic men are attracted to vulnerable, naive, insecure women. They go straight for the typical weak doormat so make sure you do not portray yourself this way. They would never go for a strong, independent, confident, shrewd woman as they wouldn't stand a chance..

Perhaps counselling would help you to make some positive changes so you learn how to spot the right man.

I think the biggest mistake a lot of people make is thinking they have to take what they can get. As long as he ticks 5/10 boxes-"well they cant all be perfect can they" that is bull. you set your standards high girl and find a man who ticks ALL the boxes

Good luck

[michelle23]

I am the same as b&t btw. I have never fallen for any bs. One chance and he is out. If I see any red flags in the beginning its goodbye.. And if it feels wrong-it is. I follow my instincts and they have not let me down so far.

I think you need to be confident, have high self-esteem, know your self-worth and have self belief. That will prevent you from taking any crap off any man and if he lies, cheats, doesnt put much effort in, takes drugs, doesn't work, is selfish, lazy, doesnt see or treat me as his equal, believes women to be weak etc etc he gets the boot straight away.

Some women give chance after chance after chance and honestly believe he may one day change. That is not me...

[Starnique]

No, I don't have a history of doing this. What worked for me was being ruthless when dating - a person who disappears would not get another chance. If I see him not committing to events regularly, he wouldn't get another invitation.

In short, you need to adopt an attitude of "I'm not putting up with this sh*t" and dump a guy without looking back.

Back in the day, I had my share of selfish guys although just because a guy is selfish doesn't mean he is a narcissist. I think that a guy can be selfish if he isn't giving you what you need or cheating or lying or whatever or not treating you right so it does appear that most guys you dated was selfish because they didn't give you what you wanted. Nowadays, I'm like Basil, I'm totally ruthless and while I'm polite, despite how I come across, in person I'm a softy unless forced to be hardcore or backed in a corner but yes, I have zero tolerance now and when I'm out then that's it and it don't take much. I went thru so much with my Ex even now he tries to get with me because if your good to them they always come running back and I care about him but that ship has sailed and I just don't have time for the BS so yes now, I'm like Basil. Especially with disappearing, you non existent after that.

[basilandthyme]

It's gotta be said that I've learned most of my ruthlessness from experience. For example, I did have one guy who disappeared and I waited anxiously for him to come back. And then he showed that this was his regular behaviour (along with refusing to speak for days on end if he was upset) and I got rid of him quick smart. And because I've learned from it, I'd never wait for a guy again.

I think it's fair to say that many of us have bad experiences - but the trick is to learn from them.

[4blossoms]

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm working on setting higher, more rigid standards when dating.

One question about male dating behavior: why in the world would a man half-heartedly pursue a woman if he doesn't really like her and no sex was involved? I still don't understand why the last guy I dated even bothered. I wasn't sleeping with him and he didn't like me that much. Why bother?

[michelle23]

who knows? who cares? just forget him and move on

[4blossoms]

I'm curious just because I've experienced this from more than one man in the past. I guess they must see it as some kind of "challenge" to try to sleep with a woman who refuses them.

Another difficulty is that I'm a fairly shy person and find it hard to go up to an attractive person at a party and randomly start up conversation. So, it's difficult to meet people I'm attracted to. When an attractive guy does show interest in me, I'm thrilled and start becoming lenient about expectations and good behavior. How do you deal with that--if someone you're attracted to only comes around once in a blue moon? I feel like at this rate I'll be rejecting everybody if I become too rigid with expectations and end up being single for the rest of my life. It's not like I am 18 or 25. I am 38...the dating pool has shrunken considerably.

[TablesandChairs]

When I was late teens/early to mid 20's, I was attracted to a certain 'type'. Think the musician type...laid back, 'cool', funny, facial hair, on the thinner side...anyway, that was just my type. And more often than not, I found these guys to be douches. Often unemployed or in meaningless, transient employment, no real goals in life, a lot of dreams but no real focus...I guess with that look came a certain personality type.

On growing older, initial attraction means very little to me. I've found that I can be attracted to men I would have previously dismissed as not my type. I'm not saying you should be with someone who revolts you, though - but maybe look into what you find attractive and why and whether or not it's getting you in a cycle of meeting the same kind of guys.