Parent privacy invasion (25YO) over lover issues.

[rayban]

Hi all, Ill keep this short and sweet and try to get to the jist.

I recently began a relationship with a man who I have worked with for 4 years. He is over a decade older than me but we have been great friends since we met and I don't believe age is an issue. When we first met he was married, but he has since left his wife and they are due to divorce soon. His wife is not angry/bitter, and i believe they both have agreed they want different things in life and are amicable, but as you can understand the situation is upsetting for both. They have met several times since we have gotten together and I have no problem with this.

However, I live at home with my single mother and a few months ago confessed that we had a relationship. She knows him and at the time said 'I don't think its a good idea, but when I was your age I wouldn't of listened to me either, and you're old enough to make your own decisions'

So far so good. I thought things were going better than expected (my mother is prone to amateur dramatics)

Anyway, after a slight falling out with my father over it a few months later, when I was upset my mother burst into a torrent of abuse. I was disgusting, a homewrecker, morally decrepit. I left the house when I realized I couldn't 'discuss' the issue with her like an adult (she had consumed alcohol, although sometimes the abuse comes without aid).
My mother texted me the next day saying as soon as my car was back on the road I was to move all my stuff out. She then texted saying she didn't mean it and she was sorry and I could come home whenever.
When I got home she sat me next to her and told me that she knew everything. EVERYTHING. Now I was confused. Turns out when I left the house the evening before she had went through my entire FB message history and read all my messages between several of my friends and also my boyfriend and I (as you can imagine these were fairly racy!).
She then proceeded to tell me mine and my boyfriends relationship was clearly Lust not Love according to the messages she had read.
She also said all my friends were idiots more or less. I let my mother use my laptop as I have always trusted her not to read anything she knows she shouldnt, now the laptop has a seperate user for her and a password on my side. She said she was 'not a snoop, FB was signed in so I just read it. I later checked history and she had spent several hours reading.

There is more to it than that, but I think thats enough to express my current situation.

The atmosphere has been tense since the incident, I have avoided the house as much as possible I suppose, but stayed pleasant. I feel I have lost both trust and respect for my mother. She didnt invade my privacy like this as a teenager, so why now when I had actually TOLD her the truth?

How do I get over this? I wont ever be able to bring my BF into the family because even he has lost respect for her. There is no need for her to KNOW the things she read about me. Why would my mother ever need to know what I like in bed? Jesus.

[Cerby]

How do I get over this?

Simple. You're 25, you move out and start living in the real world. You obviously have a job, so why are you living at home? Seriously, this is more the answer than anything else.

Oh, and you're 25 (just incase you missed that point earlier in my two line post), so f*cking what what your mom thinks of your relationship choices? she lost all right to any sort of opinion 7 years ago.

[basilandthyme]

Pretty much agree with Cerby. If you want a degree of privacy, then move out. And don't give your mother your Facebook password.

Just don't burn the bridges with your mother. Move out nicely and without causing a scene.

[michelle23]

my instincts are telling me your mother is right that this is a bad idea. my guess is he had an emotional affair with you which made him decide to leave her. you may just be a rebound. he may regret it and run home to wifey st some point. there still meeting alone-it is not uncommon for two people who are hurting through a difficult breakup to still sleep together for comfort. hes shared a lifetime with her. its not easy to just let go and their dopamine levels will likely still crave each other. when your with someone awhile you become a drug to each other. your brsin nreds the chemical rush you get from even just smiling at that person. while he is still in contact with her and spending time alone with her i think it would be wise flr you to stay the hell away from him until after his divorce is finalized

your playing with fire here and you will likely get burned.

as for the privacy issues-yes it was wrong but shes your mum she loves you and only wants whats best for you and its likely not him

[namemyname]

You're dating a married man, and he has lost respect for your Mother???

Ugh.

[Nice]

ugh namemyname is frickin annoying

[rafterman]

ugh namemyname is frickin annoying

Because you're not ..... *note the sarcasm

[searock]

ugh namemyname is frickin annoying

Again, she is right though.

OP, as other posters have told you, just move out if you want privacy. Are there any specific reasons you still haven't moved out?

[TablesandChairs]

OP, our parents will always see us as 'children' who need protecting regardless of how old we are. Of course she's worried (though she has handled it badly) - he's much older, is still married...you're mother probably thinks you are wasting your time with some two timing husband. See it from her point of view for a few moments. Despite how annoying she is being, if she didn't care, she wouldn't bother.

But, if you think your partner is genuine, there's not much you can do but avoid the topic or explain to her that you know what you're doing and so forth. Her reading very private messages was definitely uncalled for...but then, my mum would invade my privacy all the time when I still lived at home and would probably continue to do so if I lived there.

[rayban]

Are there any specific reasons you still haven't moved out?

I am in training at my job, so get payed a very small wage. There is a year left of training and the plan was to spend that year at home so I can concentrate on revision for exams etc then move away after. I pay my mother an appropriate rent for one room in the area, and also help with legal costs for a problem we have with our house.
My mother had mental health issues when I was around 11yo and as an only child it was my responsibility to take care of her. Although she is 'better' now (although I am of the belief no one truly recovers from mental illness) I now try to help financially and feel that moving out would be a waste of money, as that could be going towards helping her and her debt. It is not a typical 'You're 25, move out.' situation.

Yes, he has met his wife 3 times over the last 4 months. Two of those times were when he was moving furniture out. I do not question his honesty in these situations and he has my full trust. Obviously I think he is genuine or else I wouldn't be around.

My mother is irrational in these situations though, there is no 'sitting down and talking' to her. She immediately gets defensive and throws anything that will hurt me out of her mouth, even unrelated things. There is no support there what-so-ever. My friends have been supportive and have said things like 'the situation is not great, but im here if you need me'. Thats all I needed from my mother. Instead I got abuse, thrown out and my privacy invaded. If she wanted to bring me closer and have me open up to her she did the complete opposite of what I needed. I want to come home to my mother and say 'I ****ed up, this is what happened, can you support me?'

Tablesandchairs: I understand that shes my mother and worries. The point is here that I told her the truth, there was a rational response. Because she held onto her frustration there was later an irrational response (shouting, abuse, kicking out, reading FB) and at any point she could of sat with me and asked 'Tell me what is going on', this has still not happened. I refuse to not spend time with this man because my mother is upset, she has made relationship mistakes in the past which i feel outweigh my own situation. She has asked not to hear his name/know what im doing with friends or him. Now im not saying anything she is upset Im not saying anything, she has even taken to storming in and out of the house and not telling me where shes going as some sort of 'payback'. I genuinely think i cant win in this situation.

[searock]

I am in training at my job, so get payed a very small wage. There is a year left of training and the plan was to spend that year at home so I can concentrate on revision for exams etc then move away after. I pay my mother an appropriate rent for one room in the area, and also help with legal costs for a problem we have with our house.

I understand and I wasn't trying to imply that you're too old to still live with your parents. It's not like you hang around all day doing nothing. It's normal to still live with your parents until you've found a stable job that allows you to provide for yourself - I actually find it strange that you're paying rent to your own parents, I mean you could provide groceries or something like that to make it less formal. You are family after all.

No matter where you live and who provides for you, they need to understand that you are an adult and can and will make your own choices. Even if they chose to support you financially (which is not the case anyway), they would still have to respect your choices.

Personally, I would stop talking to them about anything regarding my love life. They can't handle it, so it's best they don't know. You are going to have to look for support elsewhere.

[TablesandChairs]

rayban, I'm not of the view that marriages can and do die - often, despite what we're led to believe, partners separate amicably because both want to move on with their lives in different directions. Provided you're not hurting anybody, it's okay.

I would explain to your mother that his wife is not the 'victim' - that she too wants the divorce. He's moved out, both are moving on. The end. As for her invasion of your privacy - password protect your account from now on. If she's had a mental illness (depending on what it is, 'total' recovery isn't always possible) then I guess you can make some allowances for her over-reactions whilst maintaining your own perspective; you know what you're doing and if it's a mistake, it's your to make and learn from.

Your living situation is temporary - a means to an end. Whilst I'm sure you love her, you won't always have to co-habitate and things will probably get easier.

[michelle23]

searock I have paid rent to my parents from the age of 21 when I started earning a full time wage. My bf had been paying his way at home also since the age of 17 as he left school and started working. many parents expect rent and we had no problem paying up. We were both paying 50 a week. and all our clothes were washed, dinners cooked etc.. we both obviously helped clean up at home as well and babysat siblings.

I think if your earning-you should contribute. It was different when I was in college. I was only earning 50-150 a week (hours changed regularly) and I had to get petrol/lunch etc myself so parents didn't expect anything then as I was struggling to even put petrol in my car.

[michelle23]

OP I still think you are playing with fire. When going through a separation, I think it is wrong to have a new man/woman on the agenda so soon. I honestly think when a long term relationship ends-people should be alone for at least 6-12 months so they can grieve the loss and recover fully. Most dont do that and go straight into rebound mode out of fear of being alone and more people get hurt.

I highly doubt your new lover knows what he wants right now. His head is likely all over the place and you are a distraction from this big mess... How long will he need a distraction for? Some young skirt who boosts his fragile ego and makes him feel like a man again.. How long before he realizes he missed a mature woman his own age who is on the same page as him? Or how long before he decides your too old for him?

I wouldn't trust him and would not put my heart in his hands. Your young, your career and life is just starting. Why shack up with an oldie who has all this emotional baggage, an ex wife, a divorce looming.. Why not find a man who you can at least dream of having a happy ever after with, with minimal drama?

Its your choice obviously but just thread carefully and be prepared to walk away if he hurts you. One strike and hes out!

[michelle23]

I'll just add you are NOT an innocent victim in all of this. You were the one who gave this weak and pathetic man the courage and balls to end an unhappy a relationship. He lined up a plan B first before leaving her. What makes you think he wont do the same to you when your relationship hits a rough patch and he sticks his head in the sand-instead of trying to fix the issues or simply just leaves-finds another woman to stroke his again fragile ego?