Is it enough?

[rufioconfused89]

This is going to be a long post, so I’m sorry.
I met this guy about 3 years ago, when I was 21 and he was 35. We ummed and ahhed about it for a while because of the age gap but decided to give it a go. Since then we’ve been on and off the entire time. A couple of months here, a couple of months there but we always end up having a row and breaking up and leaving. We love each other very deeply but we cant seem to make it work.
This time around we’d been broken up for about 5 months (rather than the usual 2 or 3 weeks). We’d desperately missed each other during this time so we decided to really try to make it work – no jumping ship at the first sign of trouble, sit and work through our problems and make it work. He’s maintained since early on in the relationship that he’s never felt this way about anyone and he wants to spend his life with me. I love him enough to want to marry him, but I’ve always been more hesitant because of all the trouble we’ve had.
So, we’ve been back together for about 3 months. The first 6 weeks was, as usual, perfect – no fights, no drama, just good times, I felt we were stronger than ever and was blissfully happy and as far as I knew, he felt the same. But then things started to go downhill. Over the past 6 weeks or so we’ve had barely a couple of days go by without bickering about something. I know a lot of couples bicker, but this isn’t about silly little things, it’s about stuff that I believe is fairly fundamental to the success of a relationship.
These are my issues with the relationship:
- I don’t feel like he’s considerate of my feelings. I know I can be quite high maintenance when it comes to affection and I know I want more affection than a lot of men would be willing to give and I’m happy to accept that. I work very hard to keep these feelings at bay and I think I’ve got a better grip on them than previously, so while perhaps not perfect, at least better. But I don’t think that’s the issue. It’s things like he’ll get home at 4 and I get back about 6 and yet he’ll wait until 5.55 to take the dog out for a walk so I’m sat on his doorstep waiting for him to get home. Or last night, he told me to come round straight from work and it wasn’t until about 8pm that he said he’d already eaten and he didn’t have any food in so I’d have to go out and buy something.
- I don’t feel like I can bring up problems in the relationship. I say a tiny thing and he says I’m attacking his personality. I don’t think the things I’m saying are attacking him at all, but there’s a chance I’m wrong on that. When we first got together he had a real issue with the amount of time I spent playing on my phone, so I stopped, yet he’ll quite happily sit and browse facebook, news, emails on his phone for an hour or so, and if I mention it to him I’m attacking?
- I don’t feel like I can talk to him about my problems. My brother had a severe psychotic episode when I was a teenager. He got better for a while but he’s gradually getting worse again, to a point where it’s making life very difficult for the family. I’m going to a family wedding at the weekend and I mentioned to him that I was worried about my brother saying something nasty to me or trying to pick a fight with me and it being horrible for everyone. He made some offhand comment about “well you’re NEVERRRRR wrong are you” and then changed the subject.
- I feel like he teases me about stuff. He says he’s just messing and I “take everything so seriously” but I don’t understand why he wont just stop when he knows it bothers me – it’s stuff like making fun of my voice (not my accent, my actual voice) and my smile? Stuff I cant change or control.
- If I get at all angry with him he says I’m so “dramatic” and always trying to “start some drama” – bear in mind that I’ve never once shouted at him or anything like that. This is just if I express any kind of dissatisfaction with the situation.
- The age gap. I don’t think it’s a problem in itself but he’s constantly saying stuff about “when you’re older you’ll see it from my perspective” but I just think he’s wrong. I know I’m not done growing and changing yet, I’m not an idiot. It makes me feel utterly devalued and I don’t have any come back from it – if I say I think he’s wrong then it’s “just because I’m young still”. It winds me up, I know I’m young, I know I’m a lot younger than him, but I’m not a child either. He’s known how old I am from day one so I don’t understand why after 3 years he’s still making an issue out of it.
- I feel like I just have to fit in around his life. We always go to his house (even though it’s further from both of our places of work). I go round and we watch what he wants to watch on tv. We go to bed when he wants, we eat what he wants. If we do it my way he acts like he’s giving me some sort of generous gift.
So that’s the crux of the issues I have, although there’s other stuff too. I know it sounds like I really detest him, but I don’t. I love him so much and even the prospect of losing him is pushing me towards the edge of a panic attack.
My concerns are:
- I think his behaviour is bad, and when he talks to me the way he has in the past, I think “I should NEVER have to put up with this from anyone”. But what if I’m wrong? What if this is just the differences between men and women and I’m missing something? I’ve had ‘serious’ boyfriends before but I feel like I cant remember anything before him anymore.
- What if he’s right about me? What if I am so crazy and irrational and dramatic? Maybe I do make mountains out of molehills with everything.
- What if we break up and we once again stay away for a few weeks or a few months and then end up back together. I feel lost without him in my life and I always considered myself to be a strong person, but I don’t feel able to stay away from him if he gets back in touch with me.
So I don’t know what to do. We had a long chat last night about various issues we both have (not a common occurrence for us to actually sit down and have a proper conversation about something). I voiced my issues, some of them he said he’d take on board and try to consider my feelings and some he said he thought I was wrong. But we both also said that maybe we’re looking for something from each other that we just cant offer. He said he doesn’t like how ‘casual’ we are – we see each other a few nights a week and that’s it. He doesn’t feel like he wants to make compromises or changes in his life unless I’m willing to commit to him. I don’t want to commit until changes are made. He thinks you should put things in place (like a home together) to protect the relationship so you cant break up so easily. I think you should have a home together when you’re confident you wont. He basically gave me an ultimatium before we gave up the conversation and went to sleep that either I have to commit to him and start talking seriously about moving in together, or he needs to leave and find someone who wants the same things as him. I feel like either he’s giving me a get out of jail free card or he’s trying to turn the conversation around so it’s my fault if we break up. Either way, I don’t know what to do. I told him I’d give it some serious thought, but my mind’s already made up. I don’t want to live with him while things are like this. I’ve lived with a boyfriend before and breaking up was so stressful that I cant bear the thought of going through that again and I just don’t have the confidence at the moment that we can make it work. I’m also only 24 and I’m just not in any hurry to settle down at the moment. I feel like I’m finally finding my place in the world and I like living with my housemate and I like having my own space at the moment. Maybe in a year or so I’d be willing to talk about it seriously but I don’t think he’ll wait that long.

I just don’t know what to do, I’ve been on the verge of tears all day and I feel like I just needed to get this off my chest. I feel like if I'm honest with myself that it's doomed, but I'm just so intensely in love with him that when I think about breaking up, I feel like the world is collapsing under my feet, like I cant breathe

[michelle23]

look up co-dependency and get some help for it.

Sometimes it doesnt really matter how much you "love" someone. Do you know how pathetic it sounds when somebody asks "you break up every other month, when you are together all you do is argue, you bring out the very worst in each other and are both hurting each other so why the hell are you together" and you say "I love him"..

It just makes everyone laugh..

Love is not enough. Its obvious you two will never work so you do need to go cold turkey from him, get over him and move on with your life.

He is an unhealthy addiction that you need to shake off. We mourn every loss and then we move on. You need to believe you are strong enough to stay away from him

[anonymous_a]

First of all, if two people want to date each other with such a big age gap, it is important for you not to use it against each other. He is using the fact that you are younger, to prove points, and to try and win arguments. This is NOT right! He is belittling you because of your age, and treating you like you are lesser than him. THIS IS ABUSE!!

Second of all, I'm not entirely sure why you guys are together to begin with. You don't seem to have a lot in common, nor do your personalities seem similar at all.

Third, is the fact that you guys break up and get back together constantly. This is EXTREMELY unhealthy! If you break up, it is for a reason! Breaking up one time within a 5 year relationship, is one thing, but your situation, is another.

Four, he is controlling. The fact that you guys only do what he wants to do, and only watch what he wants to watch, is very controlling of him. Relationships involve compromise. You should be taking turns watching shows, or eating your favorite meals. And if not taking turns, then at least agree on something together. There always has to be compromise! The reason why you think that you shouldn't have to put up with this, is because you SHOULDN'T. This is NOT normal behavior in a healthy relationship.

Fifth thing, the fact that he is pressuring you to move in with him, is disrespectful. I understand that he is a little older, and he may feel as though as he on a time limit, but when he started dating you, he should have had the understanding that you may not be in the same place as him, and he may have to wait a little longer.

Last but certainly not least, the fact that he can't even have a simple, grown up conversation with you, when you have a disagreement, goes to show how immature he really is. This is probably why he is so into someone that much younger than him, but even in this case, you are clearly more mature than him.

This man is immature, abusive, inconsiderate, and controlling, and you need to GET AWAY. As soon as possible.

[rufioconfused89]

Thank you both for replying to me. My immediate instinct was to jump in and defend myself and him and I thought this is just typical of how things play out with us.

So instead I did some quick googling about emotional abuse and he ticked almost every box. Because we'd had such a serious conversation last night I text him today saying Id like to see him this evening so we could talk. He obviously knew what I was talking about straight away and he said hed be home about 8 and I said Id see him then. About 7.30 I got a text from him saying "You obviously stopped loving me a long time ago if you mean the things you said. I think you were not fair and not right so I think it's best we go our separate ways without any animosity xxxx". I read that and I thought how petty. He cant even let me end it, he has to have the last word. He's also obviously plying for me to respond saying "No of course I love you bla bla" and I'm not playing. I was strong once and he's ground that out of me so this is my chance to take it back. HE ended it and I dont need to play into his web anymore. I deleted his texts, his number, cleared my call log and blocked him on facebook. I just need to keep him out this time.