trust issues, breaking up, wanting to feel pain.. so messed up

[stilldoubting]

Some of you have already read my story. I am still finding it really tough. During an upsetting argument with my man last night, we discussed breaking up. I said I am not sure if I can learn to trust him again and maybe we should consider breaking up.. I said we have already booked and paid for a holiday so maybe we should see how we feel on our return. I love him more than anything, I don't want to break up but these doubts in my mind are driving me crazy and upsetting me. I'm not eating or sleeping, last night I wanted to pull my hair out or scrawl myself until I bleed (I have never in my life had any thoughts of ever hurting myself until now not even when I went through some other horrific experiences). I didn't do it but I am not handling this stress very well at all. I cried and cried and he did not know what to do. He still swears he had no bad intentions when he went on those sites. He really was just being nosy, he said he loves me, he doesn't want to lose me and I can tell he is really stressed too.. He said he would not lie to my face, if he had anything to hide he would tell me. In the end I believed him again like I always do but why does this keep coming up again and again. Why cant I let it go? Please help me

[stilldoubting]

The thing that baffles me is its like he cannot hardly remember registering on the site. He knows he did but he has forgotten a lot of details. I explained to him again "you set up an email so you could register on that site, it must have taken twenty minutes or more to do all that (hes very slow on computers and he was on his phone-even slower) why would you go to all that effort just to be nosy? It was obvious what that site was about, it was called f++k buddies so why did you need to look inside it? He just says "i don't know, I know it looks really bad but I really didn't have any intentions of doing anything, I didn't talk to anyone, flirt with anyone, put up pictures, give any details...I would never do anything to hurt you, I was just looking to see what it was like" He also says "I am dyslexic, I don't even like texting, I dropped out of school because I am so bad at reading and writing and got a manual labor job so why would I want to chat to anyone online, I am not good at that". He says "I am not like that, I have never even wanted to have a one night stand, I wouldn't have sex with a random person".

I want to believe everything he says but I just think its odd that I have to explain to him exactly what he did that day in detail as he cannot remember the details. Maybe it is that he wasn't up to anything which is why he cant remember coz he went on it once and then forgot about it or maybe its something else... I really don't know..

[michelle23]

I don't know what to say to you hun. For once, I am baffled and unsure what advice to give. If he didn't talk to anyone, flirt, put up pictures, details or try to arrange to meet anyone for sex and you know this for sure then it does sound like he is telling you the truth. You said in his history there was only four-five links which he said he clicked on four of them as he got emails but then tried to delete them. Even if he was only on it for a second it would show up in the history..

I did a little research for you and I just registered on one of those sites under a false name. You can check previous activity on them. I sent a "hello" to one person and it showed up in my previous activity and I got an email with the reply. Did you check those things to see if he had any activity?

[smackie9]

This is not infidelity, but this is a symptom of underlying, maybe small, issues in your relationship. If you have just taken the time to have an honest calm discussion about it, you might have found out that maybe things have gotten routine, or is unhappy about something, which are things that are very fixable. You f ucked it up by going ape shit on him and continued to hound him to redeem himself repeatedly which made him shut down. I could never stay with someone that couldn't trust me anymore so I don't blame him one bit for wanting to leave.

[stilldoubting]

I don't know what to say to you hun. For once, I am baffled and unsure what advice to give. If he didn't talk to anyone, flirt, put up pictures, details or try to arrange to meet anyone for sex and you know this for sure then it does sound like he is telling you the truth. You said in his history there was only four-five links which he said he clicked on four of them as he got emails but then tried to delete them. Even if he was only on it for a second it would show up in the history..

I did a little research for you and I just registered on one of those sites under a false name. You can check previous activity on them. I sent a "hello" to one person and it showed up in my previous activity and I got an email with the reply. Did you check those things to see if he had any activity?

Thank you. Yes I already did all that and I have proof that he didn't talk to anyone. The only thing that concerns me is what was going through his head when he registered?

[stilldoubting]

This is not infidelity, but this is a symptom of underlying, maybe small, issues in your relationship. If you have just taken the time to have an honest calm discussion about it, you might have found out that maybe things have gotten routine, or is unhappy about something, which are things that are very fixable. You f ucked it up by going ape shit on him and continued to hound him to redeem himself repeatedly which made him shut down. I could never stay with someone that couldn't trust me anymore so I don't blame him one bit for wanting to leave.

You misunderstood me. He doesn't want to leave me. We did have a very calm discussion-there is no screaming or shouting at all. All I am asking him is what were his intentions when he did sign up to that site? I was the one who brought up breaking up. He doesn't want that at all and neither do I. I also asked him is there anything missing, anything he is unhappy with and he said no. That he is committed to me, wants to marry me, have kids. I want all that too. We are not breaking up. We love each other. I just need to know how to get rid of these doubts that he may of had hidden intentions when he registered. He swears he had none and was just being nosy.

[stilldoubting]

I would really appreciate some male opinions as well. Thank you to all who has responded so far

[michelle23]

I think you should believe him. Sometimes curiosity takes over. he prob was just being nosy. If you cannot let this go, you will break up. You have never had trust issues before in a six year relationship, you say you are both happy, good sex life etc so why would he want to jeopardize that?

He sounds a lot like my bf. Never had a one night stand or wanted to, wouldn't sleep with a random girl etc.. if this was me in your shoes, i would believe him. You said he is a good man. When good men screw up, they face up to it and tell the truth. I don't think he would lie to your face over and over again when he can see how upset you are and how desperate you are for the truth.. If he loved you as much as he says he does then he would confess if there was anything to confess.

Believe him, put this behind you, you said it has brought you closer, you love each other even more now. Go on your holiday, have a good time with lots of romance, have fun and get on with the rest of your lives together..

Best of luck xx

[BackUpOrGetStng]

If you can't move on, which you clearly can't, you should break up. Smoke some weed or get a prescription for xanax to calm your anxious ass down. I hate people like you. You really creme my corn. You've already gotten as much truth as you're going to get, so shit or get off the pot. It's perfectly reasonable to break up. It's reasonable to stay together. It's not reasonable to string him along indefinitely and continually use this against him.

I'm curious as to how you "hacked" his account. Did you actually circumvent security or did you guess a password that he always uses? Moron.

There's your male opinion.

[stilldoubting]

It's not reasonable to string him along indefinitely and continually use this against him.

That is not what I am trying to do. I am just trying to get the truth. I love this man. I do not want to hold anything against him. And I wouldn't end it unless i was sure he is lying which I'm not. I am not gonna throw 6 years away with the man I want to spend my whole life with over a misunderstanding. I want to get through this as long as I know for sure he is not lying to me.

I'm curious as to how you "hacked" his account. Did you actually circumvent security or did you guess a password that he always uses? Moron.

I got gmail to send a reminder password to his phone.

[smackie9]

You misunderstood me. He doesn't want to leave me. We did have a very calm discussion-there is no screaming or shouting at all. All I am asking him is what were his intentions when he did sign up to that site? I was the one who brought up breaking up. He doesn't want that at all and neither do I. I also asked him is there anything missing, anything he is unhappy with and he said no. That he is committed to me, wants to marry me, have kids. I want all that too. We are not breaking up. We love each other. I just need to know how to get rid of these doubts that he may of had hidden intentions when he registered. He swears he had none and was just being nosy.

Sorry for the mistake. Anyways if he says he was just looking then he was just looking. In order to look you have to register simple as that, this is how those sites get you. And they make it difficult for you to cancel your account, so it would have been a hard task for him to delete it.


I have a feeling while he was looking at some free porn on the net, and he saw the ad for the fuc k buddy site. They have several other advertised sites on the pages of the porn sites. Even when you watch a selected video, all around on the page is littered with these meet up sites for sex. So I can see how he could be curious about what they are all about.

[smackie9]

Still to this day there are so many guys who don't know about private browser geeeeezzz.

[BackUpOrGetStng]

That is not what I am trying to do. I am just trying to get the truth. I love this man. I do not want to hold anything against him. And I wouldn't end it unless i was sure he is lying which I'm not. I am not gonna throw 6 years away with the man I want to spend my whole life with over a misunderstanding. I want to get through this as long as I know for sure he is not lying to me.



I got gmail to send a reminder password to his phone.

Doesn't matter what you're trying to do. What matters is what you're doing, which is holding this over his head. You've gotten what you're going to get out of him, and there is no way of knowing for sure how much truth is in what he says. What is the ultimate end game for you? Stay together forever but constantly worry(it's obvious you'll never let it go). You are an anxious, worrisome person by nature. You need to be with a clingy, doormat so you can be together 24/7 and be fully assured nothing is going on behind your back.

That's not hacking, its just being a cunt. Moron.

[stilldoubting]

Doesn't matter what you're trying to do. What matters is what you're doing, which is holding this over his head. You've gotten what you're going to get out of him, and there is no way of knowing for sure how much truth is in what he says. What is the ultimate end game for you? Stay together forever but constantly worry(it's obvious you'll never let it go). You are an anxious, worrisome person by nature. You need to be with a clingy, doormat so you can be together 24/7 and be fully assured nothing is going on behind your back.

That's not hacking, its just being a cunt. Moron.

You don't know anything about me or my relationship. If you have nothing helpful to offer than don't respond. Neither of us are clingy. And I am not always anxious and worrisome. Its a new thing

[stilldoubting]

Sorry for the mistake. Anyways if he says he was just looking then he was just looking. In order to look you have to register simple as that, this is how those sites get you. And they make it difficult for you to cancel your account, so it would have been a hard task for him to delete it.


I have a feeling while he was looking at some free porn on the net, and he saw the ad for the fuc k buddy site. They have several other advertised sites on the pages of the porn sites. Even when you watch a selected video, all around on the page is littered with these meet up sites for sex. So I can see how he could be curious about what they are all about.

I honestly don't think he would cheat on me. He despises cheating as much as I do. We both have strong morals-quite idealistic people.. I honestly think I should just let this go and get on with our lives. I do trust him. I am just scared I wont be able to stop myself from bringing this up again. I hate upsetting him or making him feeling bad. He feels awful coz I am so upset. I told him if he was just snooping and being nosy its fine. Its not a big deal just as long as I know there was no intentions.

He doesn't really watch porn but he was looking up g-spot dildos for me.. That is how he came across the site.

I am being a moron aren't I? Its just you hear awful stories about betrayal all the time. I just don't want to be one of those idiots who is in denial