I posted 2 years ago before I moved countries

[confused_soul]

We met 7 years ago in college. I fell madly in love with her, she was by far the cutest girl I had ever met and I couldnt believe my luck when she agreed to go out with me. She made me a better person and opened my eyes to the world.

5 years later, we got married and she moved countries. I promptly (after 1 year of egging on) left my job and moved to join her where she was, but not before that 1 year spent apart had been filled with humongous fights and massive accusations on who had let whom down by creating a long distance marriage.

1 year ago, when I moved countries, I left my well paid job to be suddenly unemployed. This was a massive shock to me and very hard to deal with after being on top my class in all areas of career etc. throughout life. I felt I had made a massive sacrifice for her and my moving countries would be one of the accepted cornerstones of our relationship. To a large extent I felt I had done a massive act (I was 28) which had to be acknowledged implicitly if not explicitly.

After I moved (and about 12 months ago), my wife started gaining significant amounts of weight. She went from a healthy 130 lbs to 180 lbs in a period of 24 months, a lot of which she ascribes to me because I put her through misery of 1 year staying apart when I did not quit my job soon enough and left her alone in the new country, which she says led to her overeating.

This has led to a massive distance between us with our sex life almost dying out. I am sorry to say that I feel no physical attraction towards her any more and sex is out of the question. I am no adonis but try to keep fit and have taken care of myself over the years. This has led to a lot of resentment in my mind for her, and i find this fattiness disgusting.

When i finally admitted all this to her, she completely lost it, calling me all sort of names and threatening to throw me out of the house. By this time I had found a new job in the country i had moved to and was doing extremely well and hence took quite an offence to being told to get out of the house, like I was some sort of useless parasite.

As things continued, they got worse. I couldn't bear to look at her, and all her gym efforts bore no fruit. It has now come to a situation where everything has become about her weight, even though she has gotten a lot more nasty in general and the fights have become uglier. Add to that, she has become a bit of a recluse, no longer being the interesting personality she used to be. She has become inward and prefers to stay home and watch TV. Something I have no interest whatsoever in.

I am a husband who has no issues in playing an equal role in household chores (Despite the fact i work longer hours than my wife). I pamper her regularly with gifts and massages. I cook special meals every few weeks. I get close to NOTHING in return.

I am not at a stage in my life where i feel i can deal with this. I am still 29, attractive, have a great career, make great money and travel around the world regularly. I cant see any reason to stay in this marriage. I would rather be single and see if I can find love again. I feel I am worthy of better treatment and this is bull**** to be getting back. I cannot imagine another 50 years of this daily ****.

Before anyone flames me for being shallow, bear in mind my wife is only 29. We haven't had kids, and live in a city where EVERYONE is obsessed with their health and appearances, making weight gain close to blasphemous.

I dont know if i am being a dickhead and whether there is any way to resolve this. I have told her I am willing to wait as long it takes, but without our sex life back, which cannot happen without her losing weight, we will not have a successful marriage for the next 50 years.

We're at a stage where we're looking at separation in a matter of weeks. Does anyone have any advice? Please tell me if I am being a completely d**khead. Please dont flame me for the sake of it. This is my life.

[smackie9]

It takes two to repair a marriage. If she isn't willing to work on improving things then there is nothing you can do but separate.

[michelle23]

I think you handled this badly. I truly believe how we look on the outside is a reflection of how we feel on the inside. If your wife has let herself go it is likely because she is really unhappy and you are making her feel worse and even more insecure..

Plenty of men would sleep with your wife..

Anyway i doubt you can repair the damage now. You could try counselling but if your here just looking for permission to leave-you have mine..

[michelle23]

I dont think your shallow btw-attraction is important. However, i do think compliments, praise and encouragement as well as making her feel loved and special would have worked a lot better than telling her you wont sleep with her till she loses the weight

[4 ratties]

This is a bad situation. We've got a depressed overweight wife. And a shallow husband.
This just isn't going to work. If u can't love her how she is, then you don't love her at all and you lied at your wedding. 50lbs does not end the feeling of love in a normal respectful person. She shouldn't need to feel bad about herself and never getting sex because her husband is so mean. I would just seperate. Who knows when/if the weight will come off and no point wasting away in a sexless marriage of misery.