How do I live, feeling the way I do about my husband?

[bornfree]

Sorry, this is another long one, but i value your thoughts:

I have been having a good declutter recently, clearing out old files of mine and my husband’s – he was quite happy to let me get on with it. One file appeared to be some old newsletters from one of his previous jobs, but tucked at the back were a buddle of old love letters from an ex-girlfriend and along with a heartfelt essay written by himself about how devastated he was at her loss. I didn’t read her letters and only the first couple of paragraphs of his several pages long reflection… I got the gist pretty quickly.

We have been together about 20 years and I knew about this previous girlfriend of cause, and how sad he had been at their split. But this discovery left me quite disturbed on several levels. I realize now with hindsight that all those moody days he had when we first met, were him still chewing over his previous relationship. Now I understand why he used bite my head off when I asked him what was wrong! He once did it in restaurant and everyone stared at us. I used to think I had done something wrong. Now I realize he was most likely brooding because he would rather be living with, eating with, his ex.

Now I think about it, he even used to address me by her name sometimes, even when we made love. He kept assuring me he had moved on though; I was in love, and fool I was, I believed him! The fact that he felt this way is not what bothers me; it’s the fact that he was never straight with me at the time; I feel foolish and betrayed.

Twenty years on, and I am fairly sure he has moved on from her now. There was a point in our life when he suddenly became very affectionate, so much so I was a bit disturbed and wondered what was wrong. Now I suspect that was the point he finally fell in love with me.

But, I feel disturbed that he still couldn’t quite let go of the past; he held onto those letters when we moved as newly married and myself pregnant with out first child. We both had a big declutter at the time, so I feel sure he made a conscious decision to keep them. Besides, the letters were with (unrelated) stories that he had written and read to me before. They were stored together, so he new at the time the letters were there. Clearly he has forgotten now, or he would have sorted that file out for himself. Nevertheless, it has left me feeling I was firmly the ‘second best’ choice. I wonder up to what point in our relationship he would seized to chance to go back to her again if she had invited him?

I feel disturbed in other ways too. It’s like I thought we had built our relationship on rock foundations, just to discover, actually, it’s clay with some rocks thrown on top to disguise it. Dramatic perhaps, but it is the way I feel; like I’ve been living under a delusion. I have always been very open with my emotions; now I wished dearly I hadn’t. I feel gullible, and worse, I feel contempt for him. If it wasn’t for the kids, I would suggest a trial separation; I feel like I need some space. I have always discussed my feelings with him in the past, but not this time. I don’t want to. What would be the point; if he denied how he felt (possibly to himself too) at the time, how can I take anything he says at face value now?

The trouble is, how do I live now? I know he loves me and would never leave me (at least I think I know that), but quite frankly, I’ve gone off him; he’s not the man I thought he was. Does he still reflect, I wonder, on what his life might like have been like had they stayed together? What else does he hide from me? Clearly I’m gullible enough to swallow anything. Has he seen her since we married – he works away a lot, it wouldn’t have been hard? Has he had affairs with other women? I trusted him before, but I really don’t know now. Not only do I now feel contempt for him, my trust in him has evaporated.

I won’t leave him for the sake of the children; I would never do that to them. But how do I live now, feeling the way I do?

[michelle23]

Im sorry you feel the way you do.

First of all I will just say staying for the kids sake is not a good idea. I would never do that as I believe it is wrong to live a lie and I think as long as the children feel loved by both parents and are well looked after they will be okay. There are services there to help your children deal with a separation such as family counselling and a social worker could help you to set up an arrangement where the kids get to spend a lot of time with both of you.

Now for the biggest issue here-trust. What makes you think he could have been having affairs? That is a big deal. If he has, then that is not something to sweep under the rug and pretend everything is okay. If you really believe that is a possibility then you need to find proof. I wouldn't let that go. Why does he work away a lot? And how long has he been doing that? Does he have other options for work and chooses to work away or does he have no choice? How long is he gone for each time? Have you seen anything suspicious?

Have you discussed fidelity and boundaries at all? Have you ever found unusual bills, emails, checked his phone bill, Facebook? Is he secretive?

If you do want to try and make your marriage work then now is the time to discuss him getting a new job closer to home or getting transferred and also ask for marriage counselling. If you really are suspicious of him then you need him close to you so you can keep a proper eye on him. This is why I would never marry a man who travels for a living, it is far too easy for him to lead a double life but if he changes his lifestyle and is at home everyday then you will notice if he is up to anything much easier.

Ignoring the issue and staying in denial wont help you. You need to face this head on. You need to tell him how you feel. If I was in your shoes I would tell him that recently I have started to question a lot of things, I am not sure if you just settled for me, if you really love me, I wonder can I really trust you and if you have ever been unfaithful. I feel like something is wrong, I'm confused and I don't know how to handle this. All my faith and trust in us is gone"

Don't mention the letters-just mention that ^^ and see how he reacts. If he gets angry or defensive then yes you have your answer-he has been unfaithful. If he cant look you in the eye, if he walks away or storms out the room or starts fidgeting. Look up body language signs of lying: I know covering his palms or putting his hands in his pocket is a sign of lying. Showing you his palms whilst talking is a sign of honesty. Look up other ones and watch his reaction carefully.

Good luck

[anonymous_a]

I'm with Michelle. Never stay together for the kids. They will sense the change in relationship between you two and learn that it is okay to live a lie, and it is not! My parent divorced, and my dad remarried, and yes it sucks for a bit, but to be honest, I love my step mom. She is wonderful, and I see now that her and my dad were soul mates (he passed away last year).

I really think you're over thinking this whole thing. Just because someone wants (or maybe needs) to hold on to a past memory, doesn't mean he loves you any less. I still have shoe boxes of old letters (from all kinds of people, even exes) but it isn't for any other reason other than memory. Its interesting to look back. I wouldn't go as far to say that you would believe anything. It's not like he lied to you about her, you knew about her, and you knew about his heart ache over her. The fact that he let you go through his things shows that he has nothing to hide, and the fact that he forgot about them, shows that he obviously doesn't care all that much anymore. I would bring it up to him (the fact that you found them) and just express your concern. There is no reason you two can't have a mature conversation about this. You are both adults, and you have been together long enough, that this is something you should be able to talk about.

[bornfree]

Thank you for your reply michelle23,

I have no reason to think he may have had an affair other than my own acquired sense of being gullible. I have always trusted him, and now that trust has been undermined. You are right trust is a significant part of this issue.

My husband took the file in question to work today, along with some other files and books I had sorted out to go to his office. I suspect he must have realized what is in that file now. He's rung and texted me several times with lame questions; he's either picked up on my change in demeanor, or he suspects I have found the letters too. Either way, it feels like he's checking me out.

If he volunteers his knowledge of the letters, that would go some way to rebuilding some trust. If he fails to mention them, then it will only reinforce my distrust. Either way, my sense of devotion to him will never be quite the same - that sense i was his second best choice.... and having been strung along during our early years together will never quite leave me. I will see how it pans out.

Certainly your right, i can't ignore it. I don't want to separate for the children's sake. I recall my parents being on the verge of splitting several times.. to the point of planning the move. I found it incredibly stressful as a kid - I wanted them to stay together even if they didn't love each other! I won't put that stress on my children.

But i could move into our spare room. That way the kids would be aware of a parting at some level on our part, but they would still have both their parents. It's not like we argue or anything - i could count the times we've argued on one hand, and I don't hate him or anything so emotive. I am just not sure I trust enough to keep him in my 'inmate circle', emotionally and physically, and my love will always feel diminished for this insight I have gained on our relationship - that can't be undone. Whether I regain some measure of trust in him again... I don't know; it might save our relationship. But right now, I am just not inclined to try. Any movement forward on that will be by his efforts.

I wonder, will he mention the letters and risk that I don't know about them afterall, or will he stay quiet hoping I didn't see them and quietly what... throw them away or just try to hide them a little better? I guess i care enough to hope it's the first, but I suspect it'll be the latter.

Thanks for you help; it's helped me think it through a bit more clearly.

[anonymous_a]

I wonder, will he mention the letters and risk that I don't know about them afterall, or will he stay quiet hoping I didn't see them and quietly what... throw them away or just try to hide them a little better? I guess i care enough to hope it's the first, but I suspect it'll be the latter.

Maybe he actually forgot about them? Otherwise why would he allow you to go through his things?

[michelle23]

That is not the right thing to do. Moving into the spare room is just teaching your children that its okay to stay in an unhappy, loveless, sexless marriage where mommy and daddy act like brother and sister. It would mess them up more if nothing else.

Children adapt. My parents went through a rough patch last year, they were arguing a lot, mum moved into the spare room, dad drank too much and started fights. My sister was in pieces and when my mum finally moved out my sister said "I am glad they are not together. She was sick to death of the tension. It broke her heart. Shes 12 now btw. They worked things out and everything is fine now. But most children would rather there parents be apart and happy then together and totally miserable.

My two little cousins who are 7 and 9 are growing up in a home where there parents don't even like each other. They have completely separate lives and just live in the same house. Im telling you those kids are not right. The younger one lives in cloud cuckoo land-all she does is pretend to be a princess and runs around talking and singing to herself all day. She has social anxiety and has no interest in playing with other children. She blocks everything out and just lives in a world of her own like a disney film where everything is perfect and there is never anything to worry about. I know its normal for kids to role play like that but not to that extent.. The older girl has anger problems and fights with her parents a lot-crying every day. To make it worse they have an older sister who doesnt live at home but when she goes home to visit, her mum just picks fights with her all the time, puts her down, makes her cry and then the younger one gets really upset too. Its one messed up family.

Eventually the kids will be taken into care as I think my aunt is very close to having a nervous breakdown. She is not right in the head either since her marriage and business went down the tubes

What kinda messages is he sending you?

[bornfree]

Thanks anonymous,

I understand what you are saying about keep sakes.. I have lots. But my husband just isn't a keepsake sort of person, not personal keepsakes anyway. His keepsakes are work related... and that's it. Anything else, like stories he's written, he's shared with me. I am quite sure he kept these letters because they represented an emotional attachment. Not now... (i don't think), but then and certainly into the first few years of our marriage. My sense of betrayal is not that he felt like that, but that he wasn't open with me about it. It's just want you have both said... we were living a lie... what I thought we had, was not what we actually had.... and that what I find so disturbing. That is why, after 20, fairly harmonious years together, i can never feel quite the same way about him, even if I don regain my trust in him. HE hadn't changed by this, my sense of myself has changed... i feel tremendously gullible. That's what i am struggling with.

[bornfree]

Anonymous - I am quite sure he forgot about them. I don't *think* they mean anything to him now, as far as i trust my instincts about these things now. This is all to do with how I perceived our relationship before, and how I do now. That sense of having lived a lie.

[anonymous_a]

Anonymous - I am quite sure he forgot about them. I don't *think* they mean anything to him now, as far as i trust my instincts about these things now. This is all to do with how I perceived our relationship before, and how I do now. That sense of having lived a lie.

Fair enough. I can understand what you're saying. But the fact that you even know now, that they probably don't mean anything to him, is no reason to start mistrusting him, and considering a separation, etc. You just need to sit down and have a serious talk with him. He obviously loves you and wants to be with you. If he didn't, he wouldn't. Just talk it out. If will help.

[bornfree]

I understand what your saying michelle23,

I guess we are just informed by our own experiences, and i just couldn't do that to my kids, based on my own experience as a child (and my parents argued big style). There won't be horrible augments or anything in our house - we just don't do augments. My husband often sleeps in the spare room anyway, because he snores so loudly.... and it's cooler in there which he prefers. If at some point he decides to move out to find intimacy else where, then that's his choice. But i won't do it to my children. If the kids see us living amicably and as friends, i don't see this would be a terrible role model. personally i'm not inclined in the remotest to embark on a new relationship. I just need to find away to live within this one. That's for your thoughts.

[michelle23]

I dont see any reason why you two should separate. This is fixable as long as you know he has never cheated on you.. And I don't think moving into the spare room is the answer either. If he has never cheated so far, he will at some point if you push him away, stop sleeping with him, stop paying him attention or affection etc. If you cannot love him, he will find someone else who can and he will leave you and your children anyway. I think you should try to fix this. 20 years is a long time. It was years ago. You were both young, you both made mistakes and nothing is ever perfect. If the past 20 years have been great then throwing it all away because it didn't start out perfect is pointless. Ask your husband to be home more and ask him to try and get a job closer to you and the children. Then tell him you want marriage counselling. You have nothing to lose by trying to make this work and make you all happy.

I will just add my above advice was not meant as "you should separate now". It was meant as worst case scenario: if your only staying together for the children's sake, none of you will be happy.

[anonymous_a]

PLEASE read these articles!

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kevin-a-hansen/should-we-stay-together-for-kids_b_1792506.html

http://www.examiner.com/article/staying-together-for-the-kids-sake-bad-for-them-and-for-you

http://www.today.com/id/13924018/ns/today-parenting_and_family/t/should-you-stay-together-kids/

[bornfree]

Anonymous - it's not so much a separation i want as space. Ideally i would move out just to get the space. I have *always* been the one to initiate difficult discussions in our relationship, and this time, I am just not inclined to do so. If he raises it, I will surely talk. But if he doesn't, then right at this point in time, I am not inclined to make the effort.... again. Not this time. I'm sure he loves me, but I can't quite say why, I've just gone off him. If i can't get the physical space i need, I need to try and make some mental space to get my head around this. Thanks for your thoughts.

[michelle23]

Hun I know this is really difficult for you but you and he are a team. You do need to work through this together. Every relationship has its ups and downs. Its not easy at times and some couples get through much worse issues. If you give up now then your marriage is over. You cant just brush this under the carpet.

If you want space, plan a holiday with one of your gfs. Tell your husband she is going through a hard time and wants you to go with her for a week. Ask him to mind the kids or a relative to help out. If you need to get away for a bit, go..

[bornfree]

Thanks michelle,

I got tearful reading your post. Yes, it's a point. If this has left me feeling so disturbed, may be there is something more fundamentally wrong with our relationship. I can't split the family up... it would break his heart it would break the kids hearts.

I need to time to think.

Thanks for you thoughts again.