Don't know what to do....

[suefoo]

Hi

I am new to the site so 'hello all'

Well I will try and keep this brief - funny to write down as I've kept this locked away for 13 years.

In short, guy I went to school with, we went out 3 times throughout school, lost contact, met up by accident in a bar one night 4 years after college, ended up dating for a 8 months. He went off with someone else but in the meantime spread lies and was downright nasty about things.

We lost contact for 10 years then met on social media network 7 years ago, we were linked but but never spoke. Then one day we did speak and it turned out we were both relocating to the same state and even the same town! We planned on meeting up before hand but I had to work away. I decided not to move and we spoke for a while but that stopped, that was 2 years ago. He is now back here and back in contact and we have agreed to meet up.

Neither is married, engaged or in any form of relationship or have any children. It just seems like there are a lot of conincedences involved and I dont know what to do.

Do I like him - yes, a lot - or did anyway (maybe I won't when we meet)


Any advice is welcome

[michelle23]

I wouldn't give a guy another chance who hurt me in the past but its your choice.

[smackie9]

Ummmm this guy ditched you for someone else and you still get in contact with him? Dear give it a reast, it's not like he's the last man on earth, but please do make this the last time you ever contact him again.

[4 ratties]

Idk what makes u think things will be different now but go for it if you think this guy is worth it

[nohope]

after my experiences, i realized that no one ever changes. i mean, once a liar always a liar, once a cheater always a cheater, etc etc... i think sometimes coincidences are just coincidences... doesn't mean you should get back together now specially that you have doubts about ur feelings for him.

[Honour]

Hi

It just seems like there are a lot of conincedences involved and I dont know what to do.

Did you wonder if maybe all these coincidences are lining up to give you the chance to finally end this in a way that's positive for you? Like its not a second chance for you to be with him, but a second chance to get some closure?

If you think you would be able to just go have a cup of coffee with him, not drinks or whatever, and visit for a little bit, you could do that just so you could see and get it off your mind. Make another date or commitment for after so that you can't stay, no matter what happens. But you're probably going to wonder so much you might as well just see him and get it over with and then move on. If him being not very cool is your memory of him why would you even want to see him, or why do you even think about him?

[michelle23]

I don't believe in "coincidences". I think that is delusional thinking coz you want it to be true.

I remember finding a picture of my mum in my bfs house when we first started dating. It was of his mum, my mum and his aunt like 20 years ago on his aunts hen night and I was like omg they know each other? Such a small world. I didn't start thinking though that me and my bf were meant to meet and meant to be together forever coz our parents knew each other and danced together at his aunts wedding lol.

You could think everything is a coincidence. I was gonna be called Chris if I was a boy and his name is Chris.. weird.. Does it mean anything? I don't think so...

I have a rule: Don't ever go backwards. Next time he cheats, you could be married with 3 kids, not working and dependent on him.. Find a more trustworthy man to father your kids.

[Wakeup]

ended up dating for a 8 months. He went off with someone else but in the meantime spread lies and was downright nasty about things.

Got to ask whats missing in you, suefoo (no offence... really interested) that you'd even want to keep in contact through social media with this guy. Are you used to being in abusive relationships? Why would you want to go back for more.

To each their own but my self-respect wouldn't allow me to give him the time of day. He's gone for a lot of years now, keep him gone.

[suefoo]

Hi all

thanks for your answers, certainly makes me think twice. I don't know what it is that makes me want to - I am just not that type of person to dwell or look back. It's just him. Now this makes me sound like an absolute looser but there hasnt been a day gone by when I haven't thought about him, he appears in my dreams at least 4-6 times a week, I really and honestly don't know what this whole thing is.

I am very intollerant with men, take no messing, if they do something wrong (and to most, it probably isnt wrong, just that I look for reasons to dump guys) but I kick them down the road. Never been in an abusive relationship and I have always been the 'dumper' rather than the 'dumpee' - except with him, I was the dumpee that time - maybe thats it? I don't know.

I am by no means a weak woman either which is even more annoying! I have a succesful organization that I built myself from scratch, I am comfortable in terms of finances etc (not that this matters but to show that I am a fairly strong, independent person). But..... then there is him.....and I go a bit mad!

I have been in a number of relationships since and as mentioned, always end them. the longest being 4 years. I think Honour, you have a good point there when you mention closure. Part of me thinks that if I meet him, see him again and think 'what the hell was all this over' then I can walk away. But there is a side of me that is worried that (from passed experience with him) I have no control and will end up getting hurt.

Argh! So annoying !

[BackUpOrGetStng]

You're an idiot. I think you should hook up with him again and see how much he's changed..

[Wakeup]

I am very intollerant with men, take no messing, if they do something wrong (and to most, it probably isnt wrong, just that I look for reasons to dump guys) but I kick them down the road. Never been in an abusive relationship and I have always been the 'dumper' rather than the 'dumpee' - except with him, I was the dumpee that time - maybe thats it? I don't know.

Yes.. almost sounds like you want to get with him again so you can get him back and dump him if he gets to the stage of actually wanting you past an orgasm.

[quoteI am by no means a weak woman either which is even more annoying! I have a succesful organization that I built myself from scratch, I am comfortable in terms of finances etc (not that this matters but to show that I am a fairly strong, independent person). But..... then there is him.....and I go a bit mad![/quote] Pfft. You can do better then some douche who dumped you back in the hay day for goodness sakes. Stop stalking him all over the internet, block and delete him and stop yourself from being hooked on the conquest.

I have been in a number of relationships since and as mentioned, always end them. the longest being 4 years. I think Honour, you have a good point there when you mention closure. Part of me thinks that if I meet him, see him again and think 'what the hell was all this over' then I can walk away. But there is a side of me that is worried that (from passed experience with him) I have no control and will end up getting hurt.

Oh horseshit. This is just an excuse for your own need for instant gratification. Stop the insanity and don't meet with him. Closure comes from within. Tell yourself you don't need to see him, delete him and then get on with your active and productive life. You may want to see someone about your fear of committement. It's quite telling that the only guy you can't get out of your head is the one that didn't actually want you so subconcsciously you find him safe and intriguing.

Argh! So annoying !

No annoying about it. You're making a mountain out of a molehill that you perpetuate by keeping yourself someone in his life in these little ways you do. Have more respect for yourself and stop the merry go round, suefoo.

[smackie9]

Hi all

thanks for your answers, certainly makes me think twice. I don't know what it is that makes me want to - I am just not that type of person to dwell or look back. It's just him. Now this makes me sound like an absolute looser but there hasnt been a day gone by when I haven't thought about him, he appears in my dreams at least 4-6 times a week, I really and honestly don't know what this whole thing is.

We desire most what we can't have and with him you have never been able to have him completely. It's just human nature playing a trick on you.

[suefoo]

Yes, right on the nail with replies. I think delete and leave is the only option.

The most awful thing is is that I don't feel good enough for him. The thought of meeting up with him has resulted in me going on a crash diet, going the gym 6 times a week instead of 4 - what the F is that about!

And what is even more awful is that if I see pictures of him, I don't fancy him, I don't like the way he dresses and his lifestyle is the opposite end of the scale to mine. But despite all of this I have never been able to leave it

My fear of commitment - this is very present. I have always kind of 'made do' and have never fell in love with anyone - porobably based on other under lying issues and think I may seek some kind of help with this