can a mother kill a relationship?

[seingold]

Just wondering your personal opinions on this, as it's a unique situation. I am 23 and just graduated college. She is 19 and is a junior at the college I went to. She is Indian (but does not retain many Indian values), her parents are much stricter Indians in values. Neither of us has had many relationships, we've been going out 7 months, and she just left to study abroad in New Zealand for 4 months. We both pledged to keep the relationship going because we really love each other and the college is only 30 minutes from where I live and work. I am just worried because her mom does not like me and keeps telling her to "not get too attached." She says I am not attractive enough for her (which surprised me, I've never heard that before and don't agree) and that i'm too nice and will get eaten alive by the world. She was even telling her these things right before she flew to NZ, when I was just out of hearing range! Those sound like terrible reasons to not like me, I think if anything she could just keep quiet. My gf will be home for another 2 months after abroad, and I'm afraid her mom's bad attitude will rub off on her. Any opinions?

[whaywardj]

Yes and no. It all depends on how firmly your lady cares to stand against her family for you. And THAT might depend on how firmly you care to stand by her...ALL of her.

[shh!]

I don't know that her mom is being perfectly honest about what her issue is with you, but I do know that parents always have hopes and wishes for their children, some of which go unfulfilled. You really can't blame them for wanting the absolute best for their kids.

Now here is the part that might hurt a little, so brace yourself, and I apologize in advance if you are bothered by this viewpoint:

I kind of doubt the attractiveness (or lack thereof) is the real problem. It was probably only said tounge-in-cheek. The part about being "too nice and will get eaten alive by the world" IS a matter of concern for the parents of a girl. Parents want daughters to have men who will be a source of strength to them, men who radiate some degree of confidence and ambition. Who wouldn't want that for their daughter? "Too nice" is another way of saying "soft".

Sorry.

[whitedragon20na]

All I have to say is I know how you feel here and unfortunately the mother can end up ruining the relationship. It all depends on how well she is able to stand up for herself and how much she cares about you. If she's not easily persuaded, then you most likely will be okay. However the last thing I have to say is that I hope your situation turns out better than mine did.

[whaywardj]

Parents want daughters to have men who will be a source of strength to them, men who radiate some degree of confidence and ambition. Who wouldn't want that for their daughter? "Too nice" is another way of saying "soft".

Common, shh!. Tell it like it IS. They want their daughters to marry UP.

[shh!]

Well, we certainly don't want them to marry down. Lateral is just fine for me, though.

[whaywardj]

So, Seingold. You think her mom might think that being involved with you is a step down for her daughter and is just using "not attractive" and "too nice" as 'kinder sounding' excuses? I take it the family is East Indian. From southern India, perhaps?

[Junket]

Ah, crazy Indians.

Love the curry though.

[bluesummer]

My bf is east indian.....their culture is pretty protective over who their children get into relationships with. It's pretty important to have parental approval and they very rarely back down on this. Some are more hardcore than others though, so you'll have to feel her family out. Most likely they just always expected her to marry a wealthy Indian boy of their choice. They usually come around if you can prove yourself worthy. If not, just hope that your gf loves you enough to tell her mom to mind her own business.

Oh yeah, Fras, curry is best shit going. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

[whaywardj]

Yeah. What she said.

[Junket]

Oi Oi to what he said.

[seingold]

She is north Indian, but was born in Kenya and moved here when she was 7, she has never been to India. She really seems to not care what her mom thinks, and constantly says her mom is wrong and she'll have to learn to like me. It just bothers me, I'm not used to not being liked by parents, and I don't want it to rub off. Her mom barely knows me, I've only met her maybe 3 different weekends. I have a perfectly good job now, did great at school, and there are no indications i'm not going to succeed. My gf is going to be a doctor, so it would be hard to top her salary of course, I don't know what her mom is looking for. Anyways, my gf called this morning crying because she misses me and I really think we'll make it through this abroad period and the year. She is very strong willed and I think that will help. I may be naive, but optimism is good isn't it?

[seingold]

Hey sorry, not I went out and got drunk tonight so of course i'm worried about the future. any reply at all would be greatly appreciated. damn alcohol, happens every time. At least I only think of her drunk.

[shh!]

Sounds like she likes you. That is a good sign...

[kikay]

it really depends. if the mom is too controlling, she could take her daughter away from you. but if your girl really loves u, she'll fight for u no matter what happens. ive been in this situation before, twice pa actually..