Dating advice needed

[fernando]

Hi

I am going on a date with my wife who i have been seperated from for 8 months, this saturday. I want to save my marriage and my wife says she wants to give it another go but cant put her barriers down as i have let her down in the past. We have had a short break with our kids in the past month but this is our first night out on our own.We havent been intimate since we have been seeing each other.

Im desperate to make a good impression. Do i discuss the past or leave the past in the past. Do i spend all night talking about our relationship moving forward or do i just make her laugh and treat it like we are on our very first date.

Your thoughts would be greatly appreciated.

[Wakeup]

My suggestions: Treat her like you are on your SECOND date.

[namemyname]

What did you do wrong in the marriage?

[fernando]

What did you do wrong in the marriage?

Took her for granted, never listened to her and put friends before her and my children. Its taken me hitting rock bottom to realise how much i love her and want to be with her.

[michelle23]

Just have fun, spoil her and act like you did when you first met. Good luck. Let us know how it goes

[namemyname]

I would do this. Women tend to really like to hear acknowledgement from men on what *we* feel you've done wrong. Otherwise, we feel like we're talking to a wall, and never really being heard.

So, I would do this. At the beginning of the date, I would say, "Sheila...I just want to say that I've really done a lot of soul searching and thinking since we've been separated. I don't blame you for wanting out when you did. I was a horrible husband. I was selfish, and didn't value you properly. I've always truly loved you, even though I was a crap husband. I just want you to know I'm really thankful for this second chance, and that I'm committed to working on myself, so that I can be the husband you deserve, and the father our kids need. I am going to prove to you every day that getting back together isn't a mistake, and I will do whatever it takes. OK, so that's out of the way, unless you want to talk about things, we can move on to the date portion of the night, and I promise not to (throw in some silly, playful or funny thing you did when first dating - setting your tie on fire in the votive, getting a flat tire, get your dress caught in the car door, etc.).

This way she sees you vulnerable and real, gets a chance to talk about the marriage, if she wants, or let's her make the call if she wants to move on and have fun.

[Wakeup]

^^^ Personally, (and no offecene to the above poster) I'd not do any of that, fernando. If you've already said all that or similar, then don't taint your romantic date with a conversation like that once again. If you haven't told her all that, then by all means tell her that when you're just sitting and having a nice cup of coffee with her... after your romantic get together.

This date is to treat her like you did when you were a new couple where you were attentive to her and you showed her that you valued her and didn't take her for granted. Keep it romantic for now is my advice,

[horndog]

You have a past, you cant ignore it. however, you are on a date. Do fun and romantic stuff like you did when you were first dating. If you notice either of you slipping into talking about your problems I would suggest that you politely suggest that you keep the mood light and fun and discuss a time that you could meet up for coffee or something the next day or in a few days to discuss them. This shows her that you are interested and working on the problems but also interested in spending quality time with her.

[horndog]

^^^ Personally, (and no offecene to the above poster) I'd not do any of that, fernando. If you've already said all that or similar, then don't taint your romantic date with a conversation like that once again. If you haven't told her all that, then by all means tell her that when you're just sitting and having a nice cup of coffee with her... after your romantic get together.

This date is to treat her like you did when you were a new couple where you were attentive to her and you showed her that you valued her and didn't take her for granted. Keep it romantic for now is my advice,

Sorry WU I think I just said the same thing you did but differently. Didn't mean to steal your thunder.

[fernando]

Just thought i would let you know how it went. Had a really nice time. I tried to be funny and keep the datelight hearted. Unfortunatly i did start talking about us getting back together but she didnt seem upset by it and just asked me to give her time. She stayed the night and we spooned which was nice. Spent all of today together with the kids which was nice. Ive fallen head over heels in love with her again. I know she is wary of getting to close to me as she is worried that i would go back tobeing the same after 6 months. But she did comment that she thought i had changed, which was nice to hear. Seeing her again on wednesday. Really looking forward to it.She does say a lot of positive things and sometimes makes a comment about the future as though she sees a life with me again. I am just so worried about getting rejected. Im more in love with her than i have ever been so if she turned round now and said she doesnt want to give our marriage another go i would be heartbroken.

Just a quick question for the females on here. Is there much meaning behind her allowing me to kiss her on the lips. She also now holds by hand( although its always me that instigates it) and allows me to kiss her neck/tickle her arms etc. Or am i reading to much into it??

[Wakeup]

First thing.. glad to hear you had a good time... disappointed to hear you couldn't stop yourself from putting pressure on her like some of us advised it would. Anyway, water under the bridge now. You stopped when she asked you to so that's a good thing.

I suggest you step back a bit with your expectations, fernando. She's not on the same page with you as far as being "more in love with you then she has ever been." You're going to be very disappointed if things don't pan out and you need to protect your emotional health by taking this slowly and by not anticipating anything.

If you don't get back together, you can take solice in the fact that you tried everything you could to reconcile and you will come to terms with the ending much quicker knowing that.

I think it's a positive that she is allowing you kisses, hand holding and the rest... just don't get overly convinced that it means she's 100% on board, yet!

Good luck, keep up the positive attitude without as much expectation... it looks like things are moving along slowly but positively. JMO.

[namemyname]

First thing.. glad to hear you had a good time... disappointed to hear you couldn't stop yourself from putting pressure on her like some of us advised it would. Anyway, water under the bridge now. You stopped when she asked you to so that's a good thing.

Eh? None of that happened. lol It's amazing the lack of comprehension skills... lol

He didn't put pressure on her, as he said she wasn't upset when he talked about reconciling. She also didn't ask him to stop. In fact, she spent the night with him.

Fernando, as I had suggested, I would have owned up to your shit. Not just talked about getting back together. Not taking responsibility and letting her know where and how you screwed up is important, otherwise it's just words and promises. In order to PROVE you've changed, you need to start by acknowledging what you did wrong.

Anyhoo - yes!!! Any physical contact is a huge plus. Women can't be physical if they are shut down emotionally, so it's very encouraging.

You're doing great. Just continue to be present in everyway possible. I think you'll get back together, I really do.

[fernando]

Its hard not to get carried away. From thinking our marriage was totally over there is now a little ray of light. She has said i need to prove myself to her. Would you advise i step back a little and stop texting/calling. Or do i carry on the same , trying to show her that i have changed for the better. I really dont want to blow it . Im willing to give her all the time she needs. I know it wont be a quick fix.

[fernando]

Thankyou namemyname. I have owned up to everything i did wrong and accepted the failure of our marriage was my fault. I also said that the break up was for the best as i wouldnt have changed had we carried on how we were. I think its taken me hitting rock bottom to realise in which direction i want my life to go. And thats to be with my wife.

[Wakeup]

Unfortunatly i did start talking about us getting back together but she didnt seem upset by it and just asked me to give her time.

That, you ninny is putting pressure on her. lolz

She asked that he give her time and he stopped putting pressure on her after that, BY NOT CONTINUING TO TALK TO HER about the relationship in general.

I'm surprised at your lack of understanding of a woman who isn't on the same page as her pursuer.