My boyfriend had sex with his ex when they broke up.

[Jobloggz]

Hiya,

I'm hoping someone could help me change my perspective on something:

I've been dating my boyfriend for a year now, we live together and are really happy. However, all that I thought we were has changed after he admitted that he had sex with his ex when they broke up.

There's nothing wrong with that in itself, but it affected me because of our history of getting together.

Basically, we met at work, I liked him instantly but realised he had a girlfriend so did not try it on in anyway. He liked me also and thought to himself that if he knew how I felt about him, he would break up with his girlfriend. Well, his girlfriend ended up breaking up with him, and when he broke the news to me he said that it was on the cards for a long time as their relationship was a nightmare and she was really horrible to him, and that they hadn't been intimate for a long long time. I just listened to him like a friend should but that was all it was.

A couple of weeks later, after persisting on asking me out on a date, and chatting a lot, we eventually went out ( I would usually not do this with someone who has just come out of a relationship due to the risk of being a rebound or causing tension between his ex etc because of the timing, however he assured me that his relationship was dead ages ago and he had liked me for a while now and it seemed right) so I eventually went out with him.

We got on extremely well and grew closer really fast and slept together very soon into the relationship and have been just as great together ever since, fitting in with all his family and friends and vice versa.

But through a general conversation based on a programme we were watching, it came out then when he and his ex broke up, they had sex.

It hit me hard because to me, sex is a sign of love and intimacy with deep meaning about how you feel about the person your with. And, running through my mind was his chat to me about how they hadn't been intimate for a long time and their relationship was dead ages ago and he had liked me etc.

I keep thinking, why would you have sex with someone your breaking up with? He told me it was because he was gagging for it and hadn't had it in so long. That then made me feel worse because it made me think that his view of sex is just a necessity, casual, selfish and meaningless. Which is the complete opposite to how I feel about sex! It's made me question the meaning of our sex together but he assures me it's not the same, but I can't help it.

I also felt slightly betrayed because if he had feelings for me, and didnt like her whatsoever (as he claimed) having sex with her should've been the last thing on his mind when they broke up.

Am I being petty and silly feeling like this? How can I look at this differently so that it doesn't end up pulling us apart? Because I feel like I can't be intimate with him now as I think if it, and I can't believe him or look at him the same way now.

I'd appreciate any feedback.

Thank you!!

[SqueamishPuppet]

Well I don't feel sex is all treated equal. Yes sex is something you do when you love somebody but there are different kinds of sex sex with someone you love it is more passionate and real. It makes you feel more connected to that person. And then there is just sex which is just two people fulfilling a basic human need.

Maybe that's just my point of view. I've only had sex with one person and I know how the sex changed once I was in love with her. It felt more real and not just like how it feels to orgasm. There was a connection there that was very powerful.

[michelle23]

Talk to him. Ask all your qs in a non-judgemental way. Id say hevlied about a lot of things back then. I doubt their relationship was as bad as he says it was. Ask him y he didnt end it sooner if it was "so bad"

i wouldnt trust your bf. He lined up a plan B before leaving her. He could v easily do the same to you

[HeartIsAching]

It hit me hard because to me, sex is a sign of love and intimacy with deep meaning about how you feel about the person your with. And, running through my mind was his chat to me about how they hadn't been intimate for a long time and their relationship was dead ages ago and he had liked me etc.

I keep thinking, why would you have sex with someone your breaking up with? He told me it was because he was gagging for it and hadn't had it in so long. That then made me feel worse because it made me think that his view of sex is just a necessity, casual, selfish and meaningless. Which is the complete opposite to how I feel about sex! It's made me question the meaning of our sex together but he assures me it's not the same, but I can't help it.
Thank you!!

Sex isn't the same thing to everyone all the time. Sometimes it's as you describe - "a sign of love and intimacy with deep meaning about how you feel about the person your with. " but more often than not, it isn't. When it IS like that it's wonderful, but sometimes a good healthy boink is all you're looking for.

Other posters on this site that are familiar with me will tell you - I love my wife to pieces. She's the best thing that ever happened to me... and while our sex is often 'lovemaking', it's just as often a romp in the hay. Sometimes we just want to **** each other silly and pass out from the endorphin rush.

Don't read too much into your BF's last romp with his ex.

Heck, you should probably google "Grudge Sex". I LOATHE my ex and might've had grudge-sex with her before I split, if the opportunity had arisen, basically because I'd also been without for a long, long time.

[TablesandChairs]

He didn't break up with her - she broke up with him. Maybe he didn't hate her as much as you were led to believe. What was he going to say when he was pursuing you? That she was great? No, he told you she was a big bad witch. Maybe you inherited another woman's idiot. No...I joke. He might be fine.

Basically, no matter how they felt about each other at that point; they were in a relationship and there's a lot of history and closeness that goes with that. The sex could have just been out of comfort or as a last 'goodbye' kind of thing. If he treats you well and you're happy...don't focus on something that neither of you can chance. Just get it off your chest and tell him that you feel a bit weird that he slept with her while he was pursuing you but don't make a huge fuss about it - if you're going to stay in the r/ship, it's just something you'll have to deal with.

[Wakeup]

Op: I'd read HeartisAching's post and then just leave this thread so that you don't get paranoid any further then you already are. Frankly, you're thinking like a girl and, because you only have one view about sex, you're having a hard time accepting that what he did was just a release with someone familiar. He doesn't hang with her or talk to her or do anything with her anymore. I'd be more concerned if he was still her friend and hung out with her then I would one sexual encounter of the familiar kind and then bid her adeau for good. He didn't cheat on you to be with her.

If he's giving you NO reason to believe that he's straying. If he's giving you NO reason to believe anything other then he loves you and wants to be with YOU, then why are you trying to sabotage that dynamic with your own very narrow view about sex.

Enjoy your relationship and let any negative thoughts from us or your own head go.

[4 ratties]

I hate the fact that my boyfriend had sex with his ex gf too. It took me awhile to get over it too. But we need to realize that sex can mean different things. Guys can have sex just for pleasure with no feelings attached. Or they can have sex and it really means something to them. I think guys have sex with their exes because its easy and comfortable for them. If their ex is willing then it's easy vagina. And most guys will go for it. It really sucks I agree and I hate that my bf did it too like I mentioned but there's no way to change the past now. Just view it as a mistake of weakness on their part and over time it won't bother u anymore

[michelle23]

OP i think you should just discuss the topic of cheating, emotional affairs and lining up a plan B. Talk about it in a non-judgemental way and just ensure you can trust him in the future.

His ex prob dumped him coz he was having an EA with you and she found out. If you dont discuss that issue then your relationship will end the same way his last one did. Some people have a fear of being alone and will not leave a relationship no matter how bad it is until they have lined up someone else. You just gotta be sure hes not one of those weak, pathetic losers and you will be fine

[namemyname]

Good lord, woman, snap out if it!!

You have a great thing going, so STOP your insane jealousy and irrationality from ruining it.

Yeah, breakups aren't clean. Few couples say goodbye, and part for life.

You're being completely unfair and insecure for NO REASON.

BTW, the reason he never told you? Exactly for how you're behaving now.