Love Problems? Never! Yea, Right. (LONG)

[TAVS]

All right guys and gals, I've decided to post about my situation and get some feedback. I was kinda inspired by Tommy's thread. So I've been separated from my gal for about 2-months now. One day, after a stupid argument, she snapped and left me. Let me start at the beginning, the very beginning.

We met over 4yrs ago on a website, collegeclub.com. We were about a 2-minute walk from each other so we met for lunch. She didn’t come off like the girl of my dreams but I had recently been dumped so I was looking to get back in the saddle. That week we hit it off and started dating. It wasn't very long at all when we started spending every night together at her place or mine. That continued through the school year and for the summer she moved into my mother's house with me. After another two semesters of college, I was graduating... We moved back in with my mom while I saved to buy us a house. Sometime that summer she decides she couldn't take it anymore and left for an apartment. She has this thing with needing her own ‘stuff’ and ‘place’ as she grew up with siblings. On top of that, Mom and her didn't get along well. I could either go with her or move on. After begging and pleading her to stay, I finally was forced to cave in and move to the apartment with her. I really hated the idea of throwing away money on rent but I didn't want to lose her. She was cold as ice through this process until I caved in. It amazed me how she could just turn off all emotion like she did. Anyway, we lived together in apartments for a year and a half and I finally saved enough for a house. She wanted to graduate first, so we killed another 6 months at my mom's house. Last December we moved into the house I bought for us in a city about 15 miles away from where we called home. She wasn't happy with leaving but it was something I really wanted and you just can’t afford houses there. She didn't have to pay any of the mortgage, and I even helped to save additional money so she could go to grad school.

Then came the weekend of Apr 23rd this year. I was angry because she wouldn't go on a 4x4 trip with some friends and me. It was just a few weeks ago; I didn't go on the trip so I could join her visiting her folks back home. She wanted to go to a long-lost friend's wedding but I thought it was only fair that she went with me on the trip. I made a big stink out of this issue (I now wish I hadn't). Just a day later, she went to stay at her brother's for the night. Two days later she told me she was moving out. She said she wanted to be back in the city where she went to school (15 miles away from the house). I slept on the couch and she left the next day. I asked her to stay at her brother's for a few more days and make sure that's really what she wanted. During this time, I told her I would give up my house and come with her. Keep in mind how important the house is to me. At that point she wasn't interested. Apparently, there was more to this scenario than the house and the city we lived in. As she had been years before, she once again has shut off all emotion and is cold as ice.

Over the next few weeks she came to the conclusion that she needed some time and space as she fought some 'inner demons.' She wanted 6-months. She wasn't even willing to promise me a 2nd chance after that time; but I could wait and see if I wanted. She agreed to keep Wednesday nights open for me and her to hang out together and said we could talk about 'us' once a month and see where things stand. I had told her I was worried because I didn't want to wait 6 months for her just to find out she had given up no us 4 months before. I don't like being alone, so if all is lost, I'd rather be moving on and finding someone who could appreciate me.

After two months of this, I couldn't take the pain anymore. Last Wednesday, I told her this and she didn't try to stop me from leaving. Again, she was cold as ice and insisted she didn't want to be with anyone right now. If I had to leave, then that's what I had to do. I warned her, that if I went out and found someone new, all would be lost. I don’t make a habit of leaving a new gal for no reason; just because someone who broke my heart realized they made a mistake.

So it's been less than a week since that time. I was hoping she would realize her mistake but she hasn't. She did send me a text message on Sunday just to say Hi. That made me happy cause at least she was thinking about us. I don't know where I should go from here. All I know is I don't want to burn any bridges. I don't let love go easily. I want you to know I am 100% certain she is not cheating with me. We lived together and there was simply no time for her to do something like that. I also know her well enough to understand she does have some demons from her childhood that she could confront. I would be more than happy to give her time to do this; but what I can't stand is the fact she won't even promise me a second chance down the road.

I should also add that I've realized there were some other problems with our relationship, but all I want is a chance to work them out. I also want to add that just a week before everything fell apart, she was pushing me to get married!!

[Tommy]

I also want to add that just a week before everything fell apart, she was pushing me to get married!!

Same happened with my girl. She joked with my parents saying I asked her to marry me etc. This was about 1.5-2 weeks before the break up happened.

I think within the window they push for it, talk about it etc it needs to happen. If it doesn't they think to themselves "is this really what I want etc etc etc..." Then they start to question all their actions/motives/feelings/love and sometimes just need time to work it out.

Give it space, flowers say a thousand words - Also let her know you love her and respect her needing space, just use the time to reflect on your life.

If it happens you fall for someone else then she missed an oppurtunity she may and most likely will regret.

Sounds like you're head is on, well educated. Do what you think is best man, and I wish you luck. A cliche, but "if it's meant to be it will".

PM Me if you have any questions, or need advice. I'm young, but could write a book from everything the peeps on here gave me.

[shh!]

I sure would like to hear her side of the story, but my guess is that perhaps the way you reacted to the idea of getting married may have hurt her. No girl wants to feel like she had to talk her guy into it.

Also, moving her away from the town she loved (I'm sure you realize by now) was a big no-no. It would have been better to buy a condo or townhouse locally rather than a house she didn't want to live in (this is assuming that at the time, you fully planned to continue living with her). Living with your Mom was NEVER a good idea and if you gave her grief about leaving your mom's house, that was also not good.

The details of your 4x4 trip are a little unclear, but there is no reason she should HAVE to attend a 4x4 trip, especially if there was a wedding the same weekend. Life cycle events are ALWAYS more important than playing with your friends. The 4x4 trip can happen ANY time, the wedding only happens (hopefully) once. YOu should have gone with her. It sucks attending these functions alone when you have a boyfriend.

The rest of what I have to say may hurt a bit, so I apologize in advance.
You didn't really ask a specific question, but I'd say that if you love this girl, you have some making up to do. You sound a bit like you are on the selfish side, and it sounds like she has been put off by it. Give her some space, and stop threatening her with the fact that you may want to meet someone new. If you really love her, she should be worth the wait, and she knows it.

[TAVS]

I've told her time and time again I'm willing to wait. All I've asked is that she at least promise me a second chance. She won't even do that, nor will she even tell me she doesn't want me to give up. I would wait as long as she needed if I knew was waiting for something rather than nothing. I've apologized over and over for these stupid problems I didn't even know existed. If she would have mentioned any one of them just one time, they would have been dealt with and gone away. I'm sorry that moving a while 15 miles away is too much for her. Heaven forbid I own the home I've always dreamed of. But I've offered to throw it all away, I've explained to her that I want to marry her. She doesn't budge. I do believe she cares; it's just so frustrating.

So I told her I gave up last Wednesday; how long should I wait until crawling back? I was thinking this Thursday (8 days) or next Monday. I'll give her space and time, it just hurts me knowing she thinks I've turned my back when I really haven't. I'm better and stronger than I was last week so I think I can bare the pain of being just friends much better.

[shh!]

There isn't much you can do but be patient. She has set her terms, and I guess you need to decide if you are willing to live with them. It must be very difficult for you, but maybe you can try to look at this situation (should you decide to wait it out) as an opportunity for some personal growth. What doesn't kill us only makes us stronger, you know.

I'm sorry you are having a hard time with all of this. Hang in there - your misery will resolve itself one way or another, given enough time.

[whaywardj]

Sounds to me, TAVS, as if you overwhelmed her in a not so good way. Confronting the prospect of settling down in your idea of 'suburban bliss' when she hadn't even finished college yet would be a little hard to swallow...particularly if she felt you were running over her wishes, supplanting them with your own. I can see how she might feel you were a little too controlling. Even asking for a promise to give you a second chance could be put-offish to her. There she is, after all, wanting to distance herself and, even then, you're still making a demand on her to promise you something.

[Tone]

That's a terrible reason... how can you ask anyone to promise something like that? Who knows what will happen in 6 months. I think she's doing you a favor by not promising you a second chance in 6 months, because you might both find out you don't want to be together. At least without the promise you can go out and move on and not sit around and waste 6 months of your life waiting for something that doesn't end up happening.

She's doing it for you btw. If she was selfish and doing it for herself she would say "Yes wait for me I will give you a second chance in 6 months" so she would have you as a backup plan if she was unable to move on / meet someone new. By not promising you it allows you to move on with your life. She sounds like a good girl, and you sound like the typical guy who doesn't realize what he has, takes it for granted, then loses it. Sorry to say. =/

Hey I been in similair shoes, so I'm just as guilty. What to do now? Give her space. Nothing you can say will change how she feels. She wants space, she's tired of you, give it to her. If you do this she'll see you really do care and respect her and also she has time to miss you. She wants space, give it to her. Do not contact her at all, let her come to you. My two cents.

[Tone]

I've apologized over and over for these stupid problems I didn't even know existed. If she would have mentioned any one of them just one time, they would have been dealt with and gone away.

That's the whole point, usually those kind of problems are the ones she shouldn't HAVE to mention.

Whoa, hey, I did learn something afterall. :P

[TAVS]

If everything is going along and everyone is acting happy, I think it's fair to assume that everythings cool. That's not the case, but the assumption seems logical especially when the person wants to get married. I have to contact her; I burned a bridge last week. I intend to stop by and see her during her lunch break Thursday. I want to tell her I haven't given up and that I intend to patiently give her the space she needs. I realize I haven't handled the situation as I should have, and that I have listened to what she's said and take her thoughts seriously. I'll then tell her I'd like to hang out again sometime, but that'll be up to her. Then I'll leave and go about my business.

[Tone]

*sigh*


__________________

[shh!]

If you want her back, tell her you are willing to wait the six months (and tell her without eventhe slightest trace of hostility or resentment), tell her you love her and realize she needs a bit of time, and tell her you are going to respect her by not hounding her to death. Tell her she call call you whenever she likes, and tell her you will NOT BE DATING ANYONE ELSE during this time period.

[TAVS]

That's exactly what I'm going to do Shh! Don't be frustrated Tone, I am listening to you guys, I just can't leave things the way I did last week. I wont take more than 2 minutes of her time. Remember, it's not that she wants me out of her life, she just wants me to let go for a while. I'm ready to do that.

[Tone]

sounds good man, keep us updated with how things go.

[Tommy]

Write a letter instead, woman love letters. Also maybe ONE very pretty rose. You can write better than you can talk as with all humans, it gives you a chance to reflect and CHANGE what you say if it does not come across the way you want it......

Honestly I say don't go see her.... Like Tone said, she needs time to miss you, time to see what it's like with you not around. She's searching for herself and giving you a chance to address the needs a commitment requires.

You have a good start with a home etc, but material possessions are not the key to a good relationship, trust me I know..... Emotional actions are really what keeps a relationship strong. Just need to find a median between the two.

Maybe if your DEAD SET on seeing her, wait for her to contact you and ask her out to a coffee house or lunch or something. Be like will smith on "Hitch" and say "breakfast on Sunday, not even really a date because you do it with your grandparents".

Goodluck man, stay strong, keep busy... BUY A GYM MEMBERSHIP (It helps)

[TAVS]

Okay. So she called me yesterday to see if we were going to hang out today (Wednesday's were the day we had scheduled to hang out during this phase). I thought to myself, Dude, Where you even there last week when I told you I wasn't going to deal with this BS anymore? Putting my thoughts aside, I said, we'll it's up to you. If you want to hang out then Great, but if not, that's alright. She said she would call me back after work. She called again later in the evening and suggested we go to a Movie the next night (now today). I said, sure. I was happy to get to see her again, and as you know I had some things to say to her anyway.

She calls and wakes me up at 6am this morning. She wants to re-schedule for next week. I told her I was disappointed but that I would live. I wasn't being as strong as I would have liked since I had just awaken. After a couple of text messages etc, she said we could hang out Thursday. Her two best friends are heading out of town this week and she wants to spend time with them. I wont bore you with the details on why Thursday would be better to see me; it's kinda lame anyway.

Anyway, I told her I didn't want to be an inconvenience and that I understood her situation. I assured her that next week would be fine. *grumble to myself* Anyway, so I have a question....

I mentioned how last week I pretty much told her I was turning my back on our relationship. That bothers me cause it's not true and I dont want her to think that's true (don't know what she might do). Anyway, should I continue my plan to visit her at lunch tomorrow and tell her what I wanted to say, or should I wait until I see her next week? I really dont want to wait another week to tell her but if that's best, I'll wait. Either way, it's good to know she still wants to spend time with me.