My ex says she misses and loves me but isnt sure about us.. Need some advice please!

[MisterP]

Ill start off with some info to start off (sorry it turned out to be long) .. Her and I dated for a bit more than 2 and a half years and it was the first long and serious relationship for both of us. We were happy for pretty much the whole relationship, maybe like 80 percent of it. I helped her get through some very tough times in the beginning of our relationship, then things were good, we were happy for the most part, loved each other so much, and overcame most obstacles. Then almost two years in she met a guy and they became friends. I accepted that but I had a feeling that he liked her. I asked her nicely to stop talking to him and explained how i felt. She did but then a month or so later they started talking again and eventually he texted me saying a lot of nasty stuff towards me, most likely because he was very jealous of me, at that point i was sure he liked her. My GF got mad at him and they didn't talk for 3 months or so. Then once again they started talking and she told me she kind of liked him.

At that point in the relationship we were having some problems and i didn't realize some were that big, i didn't compliment her much, said hey not her name (like hey what do you want to do today, hey whats your favorite color, instead of her name), i didn't show her i loved her enough, and at the time we weren't seeing each other much maybe once a week twice sometimes (and of course she had some flaws as well). She then broke up with me. During the next two weeks she was trying to talk to me, was saying she missed me, and wanted to call me. I regret it now but i was trying to distract my self from it all and didn't tell her i missed her and didnt call her and in a way pushed her away a bit. Two weeks passed and she started dating the guy i told you about earlier ( BTW she never cheated on my physically).

After two weeks of not talking at all i was not distracted and alone for a few days i resisted urges to talk to her as she was in my mind non stop but on the third day i decided to text her. She was fine with it and we texted casually, i asked how her new BF is and she said some very nice things about him and that she is great. Later on we were just talking and she asked if i miss her i said ya and she said she does too and that she thinks of us. The next day we were texting again and at night she asked if i want to call and she asked a couple times and i said ok. We ended up talking for 4 hours.. Just casually, about the past, our feelings and all. The next day in the morning we talking for another 2 hours and talking was great. She told me she still loves me and i told her i do too and we both miss each other. She also told me im more attractive than her new BF and more attractive than before and also said she regrets breaking up with me. I texted her after, saying that talking like that took me to a nice place as if nothing happened and it was really nice and she said she felt the same way..

We had to stop talking because she was hanging out with her new BF for the day. I called later at night and she had a whole different attitude. She was nothing like the past phone calls and didn't want to talk. So we stopped and it hurt me. The next day i couldn't take it and sent her a long message about how i still love her so much, miss her so much, would forgive her for her flaws and dating this guy, and that i would change because i realize i might have taken what we had for granted a bit and know what we had was special and would change myself to have that happiness and the girl i love back in my life and that i think it would work out. In the end of it i asked if she could reconsider and maybe take us back or just see each other one day for a few hours. She said she doesn't know right now and she kept saying that. Later at night we talked on the phone and she was once again not like the first phone calls but i could tell a part off her really wanted me back as she was saying and asking things indicating shes interested in going back to us. She was also saying that she thinks its too late to get back together ( of course i said we would take it slow now just jump back in in one day) but if it was 2 weeks ago she would have reconsidered and a month ago she surely would have taken me back she told me ( they have been together a month now and 6 weeks since our breakup). She also said she thinks it wouldnt be the same, ( i told her we could make it even better than before because we can fix the bad things and start anew in a way) that she doesn't want to take a chance, and then in the end she said shes happy at the moment ( but then why is she saying all that stuff that she regrets it and misses me,loves me, or is it just because shes in the honeymoon stage)and said we cant talk anymore so i just asked because why not, if we could see each other one day for a few hours just as friends and she said maybe and then we said goodbye..

I'm just confused as to what she is REALLY feeling and what i could do to get her back because i really think our relationship would be even better than before in time and that it would work out and i want to do this because i still love her and because of everything she told me or else i wouldn't be trying like this. I'm confused if her relationship is a rebound or not, i mean 2 weeks after we breakup shes with him but then again she kind of liked him before. I am also unsure why she told me she loves me,misses me so much, and regrets it but later tells me its too late to go back. I really want to make it right and get her back and reignite that spark, im just confused as to how i should do it. I think NC will just make her get over me quicker and get deeper into her new relationship and i don't really want to take that chance.. I was thinking of NC for two weeks and then texting her asking how shes been and then asking if she would want to meet up for a bit as friends. But my goal would be to act happy, fun, show her ive changed by calling her by her name and complimenting her but showing i love her i mean i cant show that unless we got back together , and MAYBE sing "our" song I'm yours together as she always wanted me to sing in front of her but i was to scared but only if it goes well, and then leave after a bit and wait for her to contact me and hopefully that meet up could reignite a spark or make her miss me more and possibly start wanting me because i know just being friends wont work as it will make her feel good and hurt me. I just want some advice as to what i should do to get my love back and how she is REALLY feeling.

Thank you if you can try to help me out and if you read that all i realize its really long, I appreciate it

[michelle23]

Is there any chance you can summarize that please?

In response to the title: My ex says she misses and loves me but isnt sure about us:

My advice is to tell her it is ALL or NOTHING and not to contact you again until her mind is made up. Dont become her b**ch and allow her to call all the shots or she will milk it and walk all over you. Ignore her completely unless she says "I want you back"

If you break the essay down for me, I will try to offer more advice or at least put in some paragraphs coz its very hard to read like that

[horndog]

Let her go. You are her back-up plan if the other guy does not work out. She also sounds a bit shallow with the "attractiveness" comments too. If you really want to get her attention then you go silent. She will come running back thinking she lost her back up plan. The thing is, do you really want somebody back who has a history of putting you second?

Move on, cut your losses.

[Valixy]

So your relationship had some problems and you were not the perfect partner, but there was love and you were faithful to her. She instead had an emotional affair and even admitted to you that she liked him and broke up with you for him and two weeks later she started seeing him. Her personality faults are much bigger than yours, don't you think?

Since you have already decided to forgive her infidelity and told her that you would like to try and give it a second chance, but she is still with him, sending you mixed signals and unsure if you two could make it work, the only thing you can do now is to preserve your dignity and cut contact with her. You should only talk to her when she initiates contact with you and has left the other guy for another chance with you.

You're better off single than with someone who has been double playing two guys for half a year and doesn't feel enough for you anymore.

[horndog]

Just curious, I realize you said this was both of yours first long term relationship, but what was her dating situation when you met her? was she dating a guy whom she dumped for you?

Without getting too deep there is another possibility to consider. Not knowing your ages but I assume you are younger, She just may not have the same desire for the level of commitment that you desire right now. Maybe she just wants to play the field right now and have some fun. You two just may be in different places emotionally. Her actions sure do scream immaturity. Nothing wrong with that other than the way she is stringing you along. Open your eyes and look around you. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, throw this one back for now and maybe you will catch her again later when she grows up.

[4 ratties]

I honestly think you are going to keep getting hurt by this girl. She has no clue what she wants, she is selfish, she emotionally cheated on you, she's gotten your hopes up, she's hurt you. She is a mess. Get over her ASAP or you are in for an emotional up and down roller coaster that will not end well. And if you ignore everybody's advice and get back with her it will only be because the other guy didnt meet her expectations, not because she really loves you and wants to be with you.

[MisterP]

Sorry guys im not so sure how to reply to all of you lol, ill just separate it i guess.

Michelle23- My ex was Irish as well but pretty much me and her had a happy and loving relationship for 2 and a half years, it was the first long and serious relationship for both of us. 2 Years in she became best friends with a guy and the guy liked her but they fought a couple times and didn't talk for periods of time but at the end of our relationship a couple months before the breakup she said she likes him as well. She broke up with me because i didn't compliment her enough, didn't show i love her enough, called her hey not by her name, and at that time we were only seeing each other 1 or 2 times a week. After the breakup she was trying to text me, said she missed me, and that she wants to talk on the phone but i was trying to suppress my feelings so i didn't show my real ones and she got the message that i didn't want her back i guess and she started dating that guy i told you about 2 weeks after our breakup.

She kept trying to talk to me and all but then stopped because i kept trying to suppress my feelings. We didn't talk again for 2 weeks until nothing was distracting me for 3 days and i gave in and texted her. We talked casually for a few hours and the next day. The day after that she kept asking me to call so i did and we talked for four hours.. casually, about the present, about the past, how we feel and all. The next morning we did for another 2 hours.. but she had to go because she was hanging out with her BF so we hung up. I texted her though that talking with her took me to a nice place as if nothing had happened, and she said she felt the same. In those talks we told each other we miss each other, love each other, she told me she regrets breaking up with me and that a couple weeks ago she would've taken me back surely, (they have been dating for a month at the time i talked to her) , we both cried a bit at times, and she told me im a bit more attractive than her BF and that im more attractive than i was before. The same day i called at night, she had a whole different attitude this time and after 10 minutes she said we shouldn't talk so we said bye and hung up.

The next day i decided to message her because why not and i told her i loved her so much, miss her, realize we had something so special and i took it a bit for granted, that i would change the things she didn't like about me, that we could make the relationship better than before, that it would work because i want the girl i love back in my life, and then asked if she could reconsider or just meet up for a few hours one day. She kept saying idk and stuff. We talked on the phone about it for 10 mins and again later at night for 20 mins. It was her one month exactly the day i said that so they did something special ( I know bad day to say that, she was probably all happy and flattered with him lol). On those phone calls she was saying she doesn't know anymore and thinks its too late to go back now ( I really don't think so at all its 6 weeks since the breakup and 4 since they started dating, and we would take it slow not rush it) , that she thinks it wouldnt be the same ( I was trying to assure her that eventually it would become an even better and happier relationship than before because i honestly think it would) , and she doesn't want to take the chance and is scared to (I dont blame her on this shes not sure it would work and she is seemingly happy with that guy), In all of this she was also saying and asking things that mean she was considering it and wanted it a bit because i know she does inside of her. She then said shes happy while crying and said we cant talk anymore so i just asked if we could meet up one day she said maybe and then we said bye that was 2 days ago.

her BF but idk if its a rebound or not. I really want to make it right and get her back and reignite that spark, I was thinking of NC for two weeks and then texting her asking how shes been and then asking if she would want to meet up for a bit as friends. But my goal would be to act happy, fun, show her ive changed by calling her by her name and complimenting her but showing i love her i mean i cant show that unless we got back together , and MAYBE sing "our" song together as she always wanted me to sing in front of her but i was to scared but only if it goes well, and then leave after a bit and wait for her to contact me and hopefully that meet up could reignite a spark or make her miss me more and possibly start wanting me because i know just being friends wont work as it will make her feel good and hurt me. I just want some advice as to what i should do to get my love back.

Sorry this is still long i guess i cant make it much shorter i feel i have to give the details i think make a difference in the situation lol, thanks if you read it though.

[michelle23]

Thanks for re-writing. I was too lazy this morning to read it all: sorry about that.

Look hun you sound like a nice guy and i think you can do better. Right now you are kinda being a doormat. She was cheating on you and then she left you for him and now shes playing you like a fiddle. You should hold onto your dignity and self respect and just walk away.

I know its hard when you really love someone but there are better women out there who wouldnt hurt you like this. You should just accept its over, focus on healing emotionally-it just takes time and when your ready to meet somrone else you will know it.

You need to put your foot down and tell her to get lost and no matter what happens-dont allow yourself yo go back. She will keep hurting you as long as you let her. Dont be a fool for her.

It may help to look up "the five stages of grief after a breakup" or "after infidelity" you will feel like crap for awhile but the first step is to accept its over for good and go no contact. Then healing will begin

good luck

[MisterP]

Valixy- I get what your saying but I really don't think she broke up with me solely for him, i think he was just her backup plan that is why im unsure if its a rebound or not and think i could forgive her because she told me she regrets it and that it was a mistake and i know she meant it. Also, im not going to let her have me without dating i just want to try to get her back if it doesn't work then i will try to move on but i know her and i know a major reason is that she is scared to take a chance, that's why i want to see her and show her in person it could work.

Horndog- No she was single for quite awhile as was I and we became best friends for a bit more than a year then started dating. And ya we are young and i think she liked him because she liked the excitement of a new relationship and didn't realize that that always happens and always ends, and im sure he tried to take advantage of my flaws to get her and she fell for that. But i know that she has her problems as did I but i just feel that we are fit for each other very well and i don't want to regret i didn't try fighting for it later in life.

4 Ratties- :\

[michelle23]

If you really want her back then take the advice in my original post

send her a text: "i still love you but you have really hurt me and i cannot continue on in this limbo. Leave me alone unless you dump him and want to talk about getting back together. Im not going to wait for you. Im not gonna live my life waiting for a girl who stabbed me in the back. Its all or nothing. You either want me or you dont and if you dont, i wish you luck but we cant be friends. Im trying to heal and move on with my life and i cant do that with you hopping in and out of my life when it suits you. If you do come back then make sure thats what you really want coz im not gonna be hurt again. Dont text back i have nothing else to say to you"

send her that or something similar and she will respect you more. Then go on a date. She WILL come running. Dont welcome her back with open arms. Talk about all your past issues and what she has done-her emotional affair and tell her she cant ever do that to you again. Also ask her to go and get counselling to figure out why she did this to you. If she doesnt learn from this then she will have another emotional affair again. She needs to understand that she cant end a long term relationship like that. Its cruel and its the cowards way out. She should have more respect for you and more empathy for your feelings.

Ill add that all those things she said about you and how your apparantly a bad bf is just excuses yo try and justify her own bad behaviour. The affair turned her against you and made her nit pick at all your so called "flaws" if he wasnt in the picture she likely wouldnt have started seeing you differently and treating you differently.

Do your research so you understand it better and if you take her back-she needs to as well

[MisterP]

Michelle23, I know that i may be foolish and letting go and going NC would be best for me to heal. I know she did wrong, but i still do love her and know she does as well. And what we had was great and it made me and her very happy and that's why im trying to do this and if it really doesnt work out then ill have to move on. But i just want to try before its really too late. Thats mostly why i came for help because i wasn't sure how to approach it and i did spend so much time the past few days researching and also seeing how i feel. I know that that kind of a text will eventually have to come if she doesn't make a clear choice, but at the moment saying that out of the blue and all of the sudden will just make her mad and make her want the other guy more because its just me giving her an ultimatum and acting mean. How would that make her want me or respect me, wouldn't it just push her away..

And it might be an excuse for her but i really did do some things that i could have done better. She told me that she didnt feel pretty around me or others and was insecure because i didn't compliment her unless she asked me and she said she sometimes felt unloved because i never really expressed my feelings to her in words and said something like i love you and im so happy your in my life out of the blue or anything like that and i understand i took it a bit for granted and i realize my wrongs now. Of course she would need to realize hers as well but how do you think i should approach this and what i should do to try to get her back.. I was thinking of not contacting her for 2 weeks or so and then texting her saying hey how are you doing and if she asks me i would say im fine and ask if shes up for hanging out for a few hours as friends. But my goal would be to act happy, fun, show her ive changed by calling her by her name and complimenting her but showing i love her i mean i cant show that unless we got back together but i could possibly do something that shows i love her without me directly saying it and then leave after a bit and wait for her to contact me and hopefully that meet up could reignite a spark or make her miss me more and possibly start wanting me..

thanks for the help Michelle i appreciate it

[michelle23]

The whole point of that text IS to get her back. Trust me it works. Your not being mean-you are just telling her your not gonna follow her around like a lost ssheep for a year and beg her to comeback and that its all or nothing.

Shes the dumper-you are the dumpee. Your devastated. Your aim should be to make her feel how you feel-not in a malicious way-just reverse psychology. That text will make you the dumper and make her (the dumpee) want you

Right now she thinks she can drag this out and you will sit patiently and wait. She will take advantage of that. If you become aloof, distant, unavailable and show her you have no interest in playing games-she either wants you or she doesnt-that will make her realize if she doesnt act fast she will lose you.

And FYI your a man! Men dont talk about feelings. They show their love through actions-not words. Ask her does she want a gay bf? If you did all those things shes b**ching about-she would turn off you. You didnt do aything wrong. Sure a compliment every now and then is nice but im sure she didnt compliment you all the time either.. Words are cheap. Actions speak louder

[MisterP]

Idk its just a big risk, it seems like shell just say no, i don't get how it would work.. especially at the moment since she said we cant talk so im going NC for a few weeks. It would seem like i might say it if we are in contact for a few weeks and im on her good side and is still saying idk then i would say it but right now i mean..

And true but cmon men can show feelings too, not gonna be that jock tough guy lol

[JoeyJR]

and i will say this as many times as i can to threads like this ''Don't let your girlfriend DISRESPECT you or you will LOSE your girlfriend'' and you have being b*tch slapped with it back an forth and then some more.
Watever the hell she says, or wats to blames on you dont let it phase you now. I could guarantee she cheated on you. SHE DID and then she probably is trying to justifie her infedility by counter telling you watt you suposedly did wrong? Hahahhahahaha. I would laugh in her face due to the fact that her hamster brain is spinning trying to justify her infedility in that sort of reasoning putting the blames on you.
1. She’s not worth it.
2. She’s not loyal
3. She probably was never really in love with you
It's not worth the anxiety and strain on your brain. DO NOT CONTACT this woman anymore. Do not confess feelings in anyway possible, shape or form. YOU CUT HER OFF COLD from every social network, texting, emails, phone calls, etc. Why? because shes not worth it. And for craying out loud DO NOT TRY TO stay friends with her neither.
Focus on your own life. Being single and having your girlfriend leave you is sometimes the best thing that can happen to you. It makes you realize how much more you have to go to become a truly confident guy, and how dependent you are on a relationship for happiness. It really shows you all the things you need to work on and gives you a chance to improve yourself in ways you never would've bothered to otherwise.
Set short term goals for yourself so you have something else to focus on besides your ex. Talk to AS MANY other girls as you can and try and expand your social circle as much as possible.

You've been warned.

[madelinel]

She didn't stop talking to the guy who seems interested in her when you told her you are not happy with it..

She couldn't resist talking to him even though she knows you are not okay with it.. either she has feelings for him or she is feeling neglected by you and the guy is making her feel loved and cared and giving her all the attention she needs.

If she has feeling for the guy, then i think you should just stop contacting your ex and move on.

if it is the second scenario, then you need to reflect on yourself and find out what the problems are..


Right now she doesn't seem to be able to make up her mind.. one day she says she misses you and loves you and wants to get back, but the next day she says she is not sure and acts cold..

I don't think it is useful to bombard her with calls and messages telling her how much you miss her or love her or wants her back..

It won't help you much.. instead you should just leave her alone and let her think things through.

if she still wants to get back, she will leave the guy and come back to you..

good luck!