Is He Gay?

[ProfessorDrop]

Hello.

My boyfriend of two years and I had sex for the first time recently. When we started dating, we to wait until marriage (for personal, not religious, reasons!), especially since we were young and not ready. That said, we had a very active "love life--" heavy making out, dry-humping, dirty talk, touching, etc. He always had a very high sex drive and desire for me, and it was always a solid foundation in our relationship. I had concluded that, well, we were one of those couples where sex would be really important.

We broke up for a couple of weeks, but got back together after talking it over. After that there was a marked difference in the extremity and frequency of our making out/sexual precursors. This is weird for me because he has always been very male and very...horny, for lack of a better word. He wanted to focus more on friendship and usually only wanted to cuddle me rather than make out with me.

Well, we decided to go all the way and lost our virginity (it has been two years after all), and I was thrilled. It was the most amazing experience of my life simply because it was him. My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend. He was happy, too, but he had a different reaction. It took him a long time (15-20 min?) to orgasm, and afterwards he said it wasn't as mind-blowing or amazing as he thought it was going to be. He said sometimes it just didn't feel as good, and he would have gotten a better reaction masturbating. He wonders if he had waited until his wedding night it would have been more special and more "mind-blowing" because it's the wedding night and he always had fantasies about what losing your virginity on your wedding night will be like. Now he knows what to expect and it isn't as special.

I wanted to do it again immediately because it was wonderful and I loved being close with him, but he said he needed space. He needed time to process and rest. This is confusing to me because he has always been so driven, telling me things like "once we were married we'd have sex every day," our love life was so sexually charged that I had this idea that this is what it would be like when we finally did. Well, we have, and now he's pulling back like he doesn't want it anymore. It's like his drive has died.

I've never been with another man, so I have no idea what this means. I've heard of guys not knowing they're gay until years after they're married, and it's silly but I'm terrified that this is the case. Fellas, what does all this mean??? Is this normal? Will we ever have our sex life? Or is it over already? I am so confused, and would appreciate the help!

[Wakeup]

Can you explain how painful and awkward is "wonderful?" Surely if you were a virgin, the pain of the first time would negate some of that "wonderfulness." No? I know I loved the closeness of it but there was no "wonderful" about the actual penetration.

No.. he's not gay.

[ProfessorDrop]

It didn't FEEL wonderful, for sure. It was very painful and awkward, but beneath all that it did feel very, very good, and I know that with time the pain will ease. The wonderful of it came from what I felt inside. This man has been my best friend for the past two years and I love and trust him with all my heart. The fact that I was sharing something so beautiful and special with someone I love took my breath away. I wanted nothing more than to continue, and for him to be as happy and into it as I am. But he doesn't seem to be, and I just don't quite understand.

I'm sorry I sound so immature and childish. This is difficult for me to fully explain cohesively.

[Wakeup]

^^ not at all, you explained fully this time.

I don't think he's gay, but I do think he's put you on a Madonna pedestal that might take some time and patience for him to overcome. He sounds like an idealist rather then a realist to be honest. Now that his "ideal" hasn't lived up to his idea of it, he's become disappointed.

Personally, I think its a good thing you did this before you got married because if he doesn't start to come around after being patient and experimentation and he doesn't start getting the same type of satisfaction out of this that you seem to be getting, then it's best you know now so that you don't have to have a divorce under your belt or be unsatisfied but stay anyway out of the habit of him.

Forget about what he said prior to having sex with you... words are only words until they are confirmed with actions. Time will tell... see how things progress after he starts looking at reality and lest go of his fantasy that has made this whole thing rather anti-climatic to him. Or so it seems. Don't stay with him if it doesn't get better... that would be the sin in all of this.

Adding:

He said sometimes it just didn't feel as good, and he would have gotten a better reaction masturbating.

That could be the whole problem right there... Two years with you dry humping and then him going home and rubbing one out has become a habit that has him de-sensitized to anything other then his own hand.

[anonymous_a]

I don't think he's gay. To be honest, (and you're not gonna like this) it sounds like he is losing interest in you, and he wanted to have sex to see if it could save the relationship. Sounds like that backfired too. Of course, I could be wrong, but if he's starting to pull back from you, I could very well be right.

[Unusual]

he doesn't sound gay , I agree with anon_a

[Jffs24]

So because he didn't enjoy sex with you as much as you did with him you think he is gay now? lmao, no he felt nothing when he ****ed you and he probably thought it would be great and was let down.
No passion with you on his side.

[ProfessorDrop]

Oh good...or not. That does sound more accurate. He later admitted that he had such high ideals that when it did happen it just wasn't special anymore because it didn't measure up....

Is it me? Is there hope for us? What does this mean? Will he ever enjoy sex the way I do with him?

[smackie9]

Sex isn't always the greatest the first time, even if you are experienced. You have to spend time exploring each other, trying different positions, use toys, dress up role play, etc. It will get better as time goes on. Since you two are not experienced at all you have to learn from each other to make the experience amazing. Communication is key "do you like this" or "Does this feel good?" "You show me where or how".

You want him have his eyes roll into the back of his head? Do anal play on him, with a couple of your finger and some lube....that's where their G-stop is....he will feel the earth move.

[jdd]

He was happy, too, but he had a different reaction. It took him a long time (15-20 min?) to orgasm, and afterwards he said it wasn't as mind-blowing or amazing as he thought it was going to be. He said sometimes it just didn't feel as good, and he would have gotten a better reaction masturbating.

He is just thinking about the physical pleasure and I'm not surprised that he thought masturbating would have felt better (though am a little surprised he said so in such a direct manner). Not sure your ages, but he may have been masturbating for many years and knows exactly what feels the very best to him. Sex with another person does not automatically recreate this exact same type of physical stimulation.

Good communication is essential, but I'd encourage some caution as my feeling is that he was so direct that he disregarded your feelings -- but bottom line is you know him and the relationship and your the one that needed to make that call.

Well, we decided to go all the way and lost our virginity (it has been two years after all), and I was thrilled. It was the most amazing experience of my life simply because it was him. My lover, my boyfriend, my best friend.

Exactly; you get it! He doesn't. Sex with your partner is amazing because it's with your partner that you love, care about, cherish, etc. Penis to vaginal sex isn't necessarily the single most stimulating activity that you can do. I'm not sure how you can explain this to him if he doesn't get it.

That said, I'll add one more thing; You can have sexual contact with a partner that causes pleasure that far exceeds any form of masturbation. However my opinion and experience is this requires a more mature, trusting relationship as communication is essential. To get to this point, I had to be comfortable telling her exactly in every detail what I needed her to do to make me feel good and she had to be comfortable doing it. When I got to this point, it was after many many years together (nearly a decade) and it was very mutual - and very rewarding for both of us. (also goes the other way with making her feel good) Thought it seemed awkward to have to tell my partner exactly what to do, it turned out to be extremely rewarding.

[Wakeup]

Will he ever enjoy sex the way I do with him?

It means if he never gets as much pleasure out of it like you do,(after further experimentation and time) then don't stay with him just because he's the one that took your virginity. Life is a long haul and staying for that and not enjoying your sex life is a sure fire way to live unsatisfactorily.

[michelle23]

Why did you break up? Is it possible there could have been someone else? Why the sudden change of heart? Why all of a sudden want to have sex when all along he said he wants to wait till marriage? Is it possible he lost his V to someone else so then said you two should just get it over with..

Sorry I don't want to freak you out but something is not adding up here.

He was different when you got back together. Why?

[Noveyor]

No, he is not gay. And I think his fixation on marriage is what cause him to trip. Sex doesn't work for you, you have to WORK for sex. He is looking at this the wrong way. What you guys did was special. VERY SPECIAL. It wasn't meant to feel special, but the fact that your each others first time is the special part.

What he should have done and can still do is READ UP on sex and how to maximize it. You guys have each other to practice love making with and have years until marriage to perfect the act. What you guys should do is practice and learn about sex and then when marriage time comes, you will be masters of each others bodies.

We broke up for a couple of weeks, but got back together after talking it over. After that there was a marked difference in the extremity and frequency of our making out/sexual precursors. This is weird for me because he has always been very male and very...horny, for lack of a better word. He wanted to focus more on friendship and usually only wanted to cuddle me rather than make out with me.

I believe there was nothing wrong with that. I believe he was feeling guilty of always being sexual with you to the point that he felt like he missed an opportunity to also build up on the other aspect of your relationship: friendship. The stronger your friendship, the stronger your sexual relationship will be. He was instinctively seeking out to build that part with you even if he didn't know it. You guys should alternate between intensely romantic bonding and nurturing bonding every few weeks or months or whatever you guys find suits you best. Both are important and do not be afraid.

You will both eventually be able to get extreme pleasure from each other through love making. You have to work and learn to get to that point. He has to learn to completely surrender himself to you during sex. Then you will look back at your first time and laugh.

He said sometimes it just didn't feel as good, and he would have gotten a better reaction masturbating. He wonders if he had waited until his wedding night it would have been more special and more "mind-blowing" because it's the wedding night and he always had fantasies about what losing your virginity on your wedding night will be like. Now he knows what to expect and it isn't as special.

I think this is the source of the problem, this is my theory, but I believe masturbation messes with the male brain and causes it to believe a vagina feels different. So when a guy does finally enter a real vagina, he is distressed and his brain doesn't recognize it. This can be overcome too with time and love making with your partner.

It is my theory that if the girl is present during any sexual act a guy does, he will be completely comfortable with her during mating.

So if anything, he just needs to get USED to having sex. He needs to overcome the fear and anxiety of this new act in your relationship and realize that what he was told is fantasy. Sex doesn't know that you got married, what it does recognize is if you put your feelings into your partner and put in the effort to love them, instead of expecting some magic external force called marriage to do it for you.

Just practice, put effort into the emotions you give each other during love making, and that is it. Also, it is normal for a male with a single sexual partner to be sexually immune to said partner after sex for sometime. ESPECIALLY in a guy who isn't promiscuous. Only guys who have lots of sex or are promiscous will still be horny right after love making.

You both will eventually reach that point later in life if you are having sex daily, and he will end up wanting more after sex.

So do not be alarmed, and he shouldn't be either! This is normal for a good, faithful couple who were saving their first time for each other. If anything, enjoy the non-sexual moments you get after having sex, use that time to get closer without having to worry about sexual attraction. It is normal.

So yeah, I wish I could tell your bf that it was because of his faithfulness to you and because its each others first time is the reason why he felt nothing after sex. Thats actually a good thing. All his lust and physical desire left after the act. Allowing him the opportunity to see you in a new light, in a non-sexual light. Instead, he became afraid and didn't know what to think.

When his lust returns, you guys should do a lot of foreplay and not have sex until he can no longer resist you. If he has sex when lust gets to that point, it will feel much differently.

So until his lust returns, just cuddle and hug and enjoy that non-sexual time. His body will eventually wake up and begin to lust for you again.

Also, an act I recommend to couples who are each others only partners in life is breast kissing. 15 to 30 minutes a day. It's an act that has visible effects on the male, wether he is lustful or not. If he isn't lustful, its a good way to build up the non-sexual aspect of the relationship, and if he is, it serves as a good form of foreplay.

So again, what is happening is actually good and normal reaction of the body, he just needs to wipe his mind of falsehoods like waiting till marriage. Please take advantage of this to discover the many things that lie hidden within the relationship.

It isn't marriage, but the person's effort and feelings that matter. Once he sees this, things should get a lot better.