Why it is happening...thinking about ex

[mysteriouseyes]

Hi Everyone

I broke up with my ex 2 years ago. we were together for about 3 years. I do loved him a lot and worked at same place. We were in same city for almost 2 years and later shifted to different cities as we opted studying in different colleges. we decided to finish our studies, find a job and get married. However, when he moved to another city for education, he met a girl in his class for whom he had infatuation. After few months of this he called and confessed everything to me. And we decided to forget everything and start new life. However after few days i found him talking naughty to her in chats and stuff. He said sorry and said "i want to marry you whatever the case may be because i love you truly i do". His attraction for that girl was not not getting down and i was getting mad over here. May be because i loved him too much that i never wanted him to go away from me and neither giving my moments to some other girl. But he did. I caught him talking twice and thrice and he was spending more time with her. He ensured me that he had a talk with that girl and they are just good friends. He cannot ignore that girl because she was his classmate. My problem was he being around her and their close relationship. It was same as it was. They were going out for movies for shopping and whenever we both had fight , she was soothing her. she was by his side. Later my ex admitted that he no longer loves me and is in love with that girl. we broke up after having really big and ugly fights for two months. I was devastated by all this. I knew i loved him but i knew this that i was not able to handle my emotions and had bad fights with him. I am not sure if i was wrong in that or not. Later i came to know that he started going out with the same girl and till now she is his girlfriend. Now both of them moved to same city and are a couple.

Later i met another guy from this city and we casually started dating. I was so skeptical about relationships. but my friends suggested i should just go and give it a try. So i met this new guy. he seemed good. he was nice to me but kind of guy "who do not fall into relationships easily". we dated. we went out for movies, dinner etc. he has been through a recent break up that time. we started by becoming good friends and after 7-8 months into dating we decided to get a step further. We started a serious dating and started finding out if we both are compatible enough to be partners. Things went well and 4 months back he proposed me for marriage. I was happy with this too. He understands me and is a nice guy. His family accepted me. I like him and i love him (not like how i loved my ex...its different..in terms of understanding, trust, compatibility). Everything seems ok if not perfect. As there are few things on which we are working on. there were issues that we faced and we sorted things between us. I believe it strengthened the bond between us.

But now i do not know what is happened to me. As we are making future plans my past is coming in front of me. I deleted my ex from facebook, i dont talk to him at all from 1 year, no more texts or calls...as we ended on bitter note..he wanted to be a friend but i never wanted that. I am thinking about him so much. the type of thoughts which are coming into my mind are like how much i loved him and how he really wanted to marry me....how i "tortured" him with fights which drove him away from me..if i wouldnt have..it was going to be something else......I do not know why these kind of thoughts are surfacing now when i am into another phase of my life. I am getting his dreams where he is talking to me and laughing. I mean just like old days.

Can you please tell me why i am feeling like this? why these thoughts are surfacing now? I need sincere suggestions about this. Thanks.

[michelle23]

You didnt drive him away hun. He was having an emotional affair-cheating on you. You are too good for h im and you should have dumped him as soon as you found out he was infatuated by the other girl. There was nothing you could have done at that point to stop him from hurting you or leaving you. The damage was already done and it was HIS fault-not yours.

Stop thinking about the good times. He stabbed you in the back, lied, cheated, made empty false promises and didnt really love you. Hes an asshole and you should thank your lucky stars that you now have a better man beside you-more loyal and stronger.

The reason you cant really fall in love with him properly is coz it was too soon after your breakup, you were still hurting and your guy now is kinda a rebound. You need to start looking at all the good thjngs about him, how great he is, how well he treats you. You do love him-your just taking him for granted and not fully appreciating how great he is coz your still thinking about your ex.

I bet if he dumped you tomorrow you would be devastated. You dont know what youve got till its gone. Stop dwelling on the past and focus on what youve got now. If you wana commit properly to this man then you have to stop looking over the fence. If you let him in, your bond will grow.

[Valixy]

There are always good times in any relationship no matter how bad it ended, but it's important to remember both if you have doubts about the decision you took once. I think that you definitely made the right decision because he wanted to be with the other girl and in time left you with no other option than breaking-up really. You tried to handle this in the best posible way, you didn't give up immediately, you waited some time hoping that he would forget about her but that didn't happen. You were hearbroken at that time and this man proved in the end that he didn't deserve your love and someone like you. It's important to remember this too and not look at things through rose-coloured glasses because that is not the truth about your previous relationship and how it made you feel.

If your current relationship is the right one for you, only you could tell, but in the one you were before you were lied to, you were betrayed and you should be pleased that you left in time.

[mysteriouseyes]

Thanks for reply Michelle and Valixy. Thanks for explaining. I think i needed a support for all my decisions. I understand what you are saying. its just that somewhere inmind things are coming back. I do not know how to leave all that behind and move to rosy side of life. May be because once i was hurt i am scared of getting hurt again. I dont know why i still feel a sting when my friends do talk abt my ex and that he roams around with his newly found "love"...and he is happy with her..sometimes things comes into my mind that i did not had which that other girl did had...and the way he behaved and let is new girlfriend to behave with me.. i was over with all this..but now all of a sudden it just came into my mind and thoughts.

You didnt drive him away hun. He was having an emotional affair-cheating on you. You are too good for h im and you should have dumped him as soon as you found out he was infatuated by the other girl. There was nothing you could have done at that point to stop him from hurting you or leaving you. The damage was already done and it was HIS fault-not yours.

Stop thinking about the good times. He stabbed you in the back, lied, cheated, made empty false promises and didnt really love you. Hes an asshole and you should thank your lucky stars that you now have a better man beside you-more loyal and stronger.

The reason you cant really fall in love with him properly is coz it was too soon after your breakup, you were still hurting and your guy now is kinda a rebound. You need to start looking at all the good thjngs about him, how great he is, how well he treats you. You do love him-your just taking him for granted and not fully appreciating how great he is coz your still thinking about your ex.

I bet if he dumped you tomorrow you would be devastated. You dont know what youve got till its gone. Stop dwelling on the past and focus on what youve got now. If you wana commit properly to this man then you have to stop looking over the fence. If you let him in, your bond will grow.

[Valixy]

If your connection with your current partner is good and you are happy emotionally, you will just have to give yourself some time and be patient with yourself. Don't believe everything that runs through your mind and everything you feel. You were very hurt then and didn't get a proper closure, so just like any other challenging emotional experience, this one presents you with some issues. Because that's all they are, issues that you will learn to deal with by detaching yourself of those memories. At the moment your feelings seem to be changing your thoughts but the right process is to be able to change your feelings through the correct thoughts and this is posible. It might take you some time but it's something you need to learn to do for yourself because those false believes, how wonderful he was (when he actually cheated on you), how happy you were ( when you actually ended up heartbroken), do not correspond to your reality anymore and are holding you back.

You might also simply miss a connection like the one you had with him and if this is lacking with your current boyfriend, you should try harder if you think that you're in the right relationship at the moment. And about your ex and his 'new love', again don't believe everything you see and hear. I personally have never heard of a perfect relationship, so they can't have it. Too many people suffer for the new relationships of their ex-es, only to find out later that things were never that good or that they ended up very disappointed. This is especially true when the previous break-up wasn't clean and this your case too: he stringed you along and she disrespected a relationship. Believe me, they have some learning to do and they will and it won't feel good.

[michelle23]

Thats insecurity hun and jealousy. Its normal to feel that way about him and her. You want her to hurt like you did and you want them both to get their karma. They will-dont worry about that

now you need to focus on what you have. You should see this as a positive - not a negative

positives

1. He proved hes not worthy. Would be worse if you had to wait ten years, marriage and baby later to find out hes a cheat. Thats a lucky escape

2. The whole experience made you stronger

3. You know now you deserve better and hopefully have set your standards higher

4. Breaking up with him lead you to happieness with someone else

[michelle23]

There is nothing wrong with breaking up with your guy if you feel hes not "mr right" btw. Dont settlebut if this can be saved-do try

[mysteriouseyes]

Micehlle and Valixy ..you guys are so nice. Thank you so much for valuable advice!

[michelle23]

Your welcome. Keep us updated and let us know what you decide to do.

Try to forget your ex and appreciate your man. If you cannot do that then it may be time to let him go so you can both move on and meet someone else