Completely lost and unsure. Please help!

[gitzle]

So there is this guy (isn't there always?). I've had feelings for him for years, but we only just admitted we liked each other. Only the problem is that I go to university, at the other end of the state from him. I can't seem to get over him, but I don't know if I want to. Every time I do get over him while being at uni, he'll come up in Sydney and we'll meet up and all of my feelings will come rushing back, and it feels like he feels the same too. I catch him staring at me all the time and trying to start up conversations with me. I see him about once a month, but for the time we're together he's all I can think about. However neither of us want the long distance relationship thing!

I know I need to get over him, but it's impossible when I see him once a month or so. What do I do? Should I wait until uni holidays to start something? How can I let go whenever my feelings for him rush back whenever I see him?

[fearoflove]

Seeing once a month is not bad for a long distance relationship. True love will find a way. Talk to him to make sure feelings are mutual.

[smackie9]

Stop seeing him and go no contact for awhile. The only reason this is going on is that the desire is being fueled by not being able to have him. We desire more what we can't have, and all those years your imagination has made him into someone he probably won't be like if you did end up dating him. You need to move forward with meeting new people, socializing with all your free time and just keep busy. Eventually you will meet someone new that will give you those feelings and I'm sure he will end up doing the same thing.

[Wakeup]

I agree that seeing one another once a month is not bad at all as long as you are being exclusive with one another and its been discussed and agree that you are exclusively committed) OR you both want to be with one another (and have discussed this openly and its mutually as well) but you remain in an open relationship while you are away.

Right now, it seems you just fly by the seat of your pants and just hook up because that's what you're used to doing. He's likely not being exclusive (if you haven't discussed this) but you are because you have feeeeeelings for him and you don't (can't) see the beauty in other men while your emotions are tied up with him.

So: What exactly is the score. Are you just hook up buddies without commitment? Have you discussed the dynamic of your "relationship" at all?

However neither of us want the long distance relationship thing!

I think YOU would be just fine with it if he actually committed to you and that arrangement. You're certainly NOT taking advantage of your singlehood (or are you?)

[gitzle]

Thanks for your brutal honesty guys. I haven't talked to him about it because I am just too shy. I don't know what we are, and that's what's so confusing. Yes, there have been a few guys since him while I've been at uni but they haven't stuck around for long, and I don't really know how to approach guys (I always wait for them to make the first move because again, im shy) so it feels like he's the only option to go back to. Yes, I do want what I can't have. But the thing is I don't have strong feelings for him while I'm here, they come when I go back and see him. How can I deal with this? Thanks

[Wakeup]

"I'm just too shy?" Yet you can have sex with him? Listen, you think you can't talk to him because you believe you have something to lose if you do so instead of taking back your personal power and telling him what you would like, you go along in limbo until its gotten to the point that it bothers you so much you have to make a thread about it and ask us to figure out your life for you. What's wrong with this picture?

Its rather sad that I keep reading young girls who settle for what some dick is willing to give them without committment. If you want more, ask for it. If he won't give it to you, then leave him, go zero contact and don't keep ****ing him. Doing what you're doing will stagnate you in this half-assed situation you find yourself in and next thing you know you'll be 30 and freaked the hell out because you're still in a going no where part time sexfest while your biological clock ticks away.

Speak the fk up or just do the fade if you're not mature enought to talk to him like an adult and don't bother doing him during your school breaks anymore. Soon enough you'll be over him.

But the thing is I don't have strong feelings for him while I'm here,

Stay away from him while your there then as well and maybe you'll step off this merry-go-round you've found yourself on.

[gitzle]

It would be fine with me to not deal with him ever, because this 'merry-go-round' is too emotionally draining. The problem is that I have to deal with him a few times a week, because we share a hobby, and I'm not giving that hobby up for him. But thanks for the honesty, think I needed that.

[Wakeup]

Unless the "hobby" is you two hooking up and you feeling the way you do now, then there is no reason why you need to give it up. You can continue your hobby after you've told him that you are no longer comfortable with the (sexual) arrangement and that you won't be involved in it anymore. Soon enough you'll have rehabbed yourself out of your addiction to the lust as well as this angst and confusion you find yourself in.

Its common sense that when your casual sexfest has you going to a relationship forum to ask about your situation, that it's time to progress the relationship (if thats mutually agreed to after discussion) or you leave altogether and get on with your life without each other in it.

When its no longer carefree and fun, why bother with the same dynamic that has become not carefree nor fun?