She's Not Over Her Ex

[Toichi]

Hello everyone!

About 3 months ago, I started dating this girl and we seem to get along great. We both feel like we are best friends at the same time as lovers because we have so much in common and share everything with each other. There is a bit of history to our relationship though that worries me.

First, this is actually not the first time we tried to be together. About a year and a half ago, we had dated for a little bit immediately after she broke up with this other guy. Long story short, her ex had beaten her and she was trying to get away from him. I tried to help her the best I could, but she eventually ended up leaving me for her ex because he kept threatening to kill himself. I was very depressed when this happened, but there was nothing I could do.

I stayed away from her for a while to heal, and dated other people in the meantime. But recently, me and her ran into each other again and hit it off immediately. We had always had a strong chemistry because of how much we have in common and just because of our personalities, so I wasn't surprised. She told me she had recently broken up with that guy because he had been cheating on her and she said enough was enough. Moreover, he had been acting quite psychotic lately, which scared her away. I was skeptical about getting back together with her because I did not want a repeat of what happened a year ago, but I ended up falling for her again due to all the reasons I fell for her in the first place.

Thing have been going great. We've been able to talk to each other about anything and everything, including our problems. Whenever she is upset about something, we talk about it and I try to help her out the best I can because I really care about her a lot. The thing is, recently her ex has been trying to get back together with her, and he's been acting crazy because she refuses. He told her he was going to call the cops and tell them she raped him if they didn't get back together. He went to her house at 3a.m. despite her begging him not to and claiming she'd call the cops if he did. I'm pretty sure his psychotic behavior isn't going to end soon, and I'm worried.

Whenever he does these things to her, she gets really depressed, and so do I. She had mostly been depressed because she was worried for her safety.. as she should be. But recently she's just been getting depressed because of how her past relationship ended. I ask her what's wrong, and she will tell me she's upset because she was thinking about her previous relationship. Then she would say things that made me believe she was blaming herself for what happened. I want to be able to help her when she tells me she's depressed about it, but honestly it depresses me whenever she talks like this, especially since she left me for him the last time we were together.

She has obviously not completely gotten over him yet, and the fact that he continues to force himself back into her life doesn't make it easy for her. I just get depressed because she always talks about how happy I make her and that she needs me in her life, but then she gets depressed about her previously relationship. I feel like if I really made her happy, at this point in the relationship at least, she wouldn't get sad about her past still. She even gets so stressed out about it that she will smoke a cigarette.. which she hates doing.

I want to be there for her to help her when she talks to me about these problems, but I am finding it increasingly difficult because I feel hurt when she brings it up honestly. I'm normally there for her all the time and help her with any problems she is having, so I feel bad for not being able to be strong when she comes to me for this. I haven't really told her I feel this way because I feel like I would be an asshole if I made the issue about me, when she's the one who came to me with her problems. I'm not really sure why I posted this other than to vent, but I would like to hear some feedback from others too.

Thanks

[Frog Princess]

Hi Toichi.

First of all, I want to say that I am sorry you have to go through this. Being with someone who is still pining over her ex is difficult. I went through the same thing in my last relationship and it was no fun.

Here's the thing, they sound like they are co-dependents. He is selfish - treating her terribly then coercing her back into the relationship. Without knowing much about him, he sounds like he has some type of addiction or psychosis. She is enabling it by continuing to go back to him. I firmly believe that people who think about something enough will do it. If she believes that she could have done something differently or changed the outcome of the situation...that this is somehow her fault, then she is going to go back to him. Be real with yourself. Your connection with her is strong so when she leaves it will hurt that much more. You need an exit strategy and they need counseling.

For me, my ex left because he said that he didn't put forth the same effort in his previous relationship that he did with me. Therefore he needed to try to work things out with her so that he wouldn't always wonder "what if". He is an addict and she has some sort of BPD. We dated before, he went back to her, then came back to me, then went back to her. I've come up with a saying for situations like this:

First time - shame on you
Second time - shame on me
Third time - we all need therapy!

Hang in there. It's not easy, but you will get through this.
If you need a boost, check out my blog at smoochingfrogs.com.

[michelle23]

If her last relationship was very abusive then she likely needs therapy. Ask her to get some counselling to help her heal from the past and move on. Its your choice whether you choose to stay with her or not but just remember this is the honeymoon phase-you should be all over each other, really happy, walking on a cloud and cant get enough of each other. if its all doom and gloom already and depressing-that has kinda set the pace for the future and I think this girl will probably drag you down.

She needs help for her co-dependency and to get over the past. If she is not willing to do that then you should walk away and tell her that she needs to be alone to heal emotionally before she can be in a healthy relationship

You may also have co-dependency issues or shining knight syndrome. If someone is unhealthy emotionally or mentally when entering a new relationship-it is very unlikely that new relationship will last first of all or be healthy if it does last. You need to learn this and work on you to avoid going for girls who are a) in a relationship b). just got out of a relationship c) have a history of being with men who treated her like dirt and who she allowed to keep treating her that way d) show signs of being unstable e) has emotional or mental problems.

[TablesandChairs]

Why does she need all this 'help' you keep mentioning? She's not an invalid - time to grow up and make decisions. By not taking any sort of affirmative action, she's enabling him to continue. And you're enabling her to continue enabling him, if that makes sense.

Tell her gently but resolutely: If you do not call the cops the next time he causes trouble, I will see that as a sign that you don't want him out of your life. The past is the past - either move on and report his 'threats' to the authorities, or go be with him. There's no in between and anything less sends the wrong message. If he's psychotic, the police will pass him on to a mental health service or hospital - it is not your responsibility to do any more.

[Toichi]

Its your choice whether you choose to stay with her or not but just remember this is the honeymoon phase-you should be all over each other, really happy, walking on a cloud and cant get enough of each other. if its all doom and gloom already and depressing-that has kinda set the pace for the future and I think this girl will probably drag you down.

We usually are in the honeymoon phase like you said. I would say 6/7 days we are like that, but then every once in a while she gets really depressed and nothing I do or say can cheer her up. Well, it will cheer her up momentarily, then like 30 minutes later she will be all depressed again.

Why does she need all this 'help' you keep mentioning? She's not an invalid - time to grow up and make decisions. By not taking any sort of affirmative action, she's enabling him to continue. And you're enabling her to continue enabling him, if that makes sense.

Tell her gently but resolutely: If you do not call the cops the next time he causes trouble, I will see that as a sign that you don't want him out of your life. The past is the past - either move on and report his 'threats' to the authorities, or go be with him. There's no in between and anything less sends the wrong message. If he's psychotic, the police will pass him on to a mental health service or hospital - it is not your responsibility to do any more.

She needs help because she gets depressed a lot. She thinks she has bipolar disorder but I know people with it and she doesn't seem like she has it to me. As for her calling the cops, you're absolutely right. In fact, the day after that happened, I tried to break up with her for that very reason. She had told me before if he did that she would call the cops, so not going through with it makes me think she wants to see him. She told me she just doesn't want drama. She got really depressed when I tried to break up with her and told me her ex literally ruined her life and now she can't even have me because of him. It just made me really sad and I couldn't break up with her. If he ever did pull that shit again though, she promised me she would call the cops. It's not like she let him in though, she actually kept telling him she couldn't let him in when he came. She just talked to him through the window and yelled at him for a bit.

[horndog]

The thing she needs the most is to get a restraining orders against the ex